Glee S01E13: Finale?! K.I.T. Dorkz!

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

So, the season finale of Glee, guys, right?! :( :( :(!!! Not because it was bad (WHICH IT WASN’T), just because it’s over, for now, until April or some shit, so American Idol can have 3 consecutive nights of prime Fox-air in a row, every week, and shit can suck for a while. But, we’re not talking about that right now. We’re talking about Gleeeeeeeee, show of shows, finale of finales, Mercedes screaming Dreamgirls of Mercedes singing Dreamgirlses. All the little loose ends were tied up Gleely in tight little dork-bows, and they even set up some maybe-entertaining dork-plots for season 2. Kurt coulda used a line or two, and weirdly Puck kept his top on the whole time, and even though the soundtrack was a little Broadway-heavy for my Gaga-blood, I still managed to finish it, and even enjoy myself thoroughly.

OKAY! The episode starts off with Rachel admitting that she’s a little bit psychic, and her sixth sense is telling her that Puck is the real father of Quinn’s baby. All the other gleetards already know this, because Mercedes told them, but no one wants Rachel to tell Finn about her hunch, because Sectionals is coming up (still, but like, REALLY coming up now), and that’ll ruin everything if Finn is crying so hard he can’t loaf around in a leotard screaming about his “True Colors.”

Emma pushes her wedding back a couple hours so she can escort the gleetards to Sectionals, which makes her hubby2be super pissed. I wonder why?

Rachel tells Quinn that she should have a full genetic test run on her baby and both parents, and funnily uses Tay Sachs as the reason. LOL. Quinn asks Puck to take her to the doctor for her “Jewish baby tests” (her words, not mine) and Puck is pissed because “I have my Fight Club tonight.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

The gleetards find out that Emma will be their coach for Sectionals, and Brittany had her funniest joke of the night: “That’s who they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.”. She also had another gr8 line, when Santana says something like “having sex is not dating” (FILTHY MONSTER), and Brit goes “if it were, Santana and I would be dating.”. HI, BRIT! SEE U IN APRIL OR SOME SHIT!!!!!!!!! She’s the best.

Mercedes is sick of Rachel always getting the spotlight, so she insists that she’s gonna sing the big ballad at Sectionals. To prove her might, Mercedes proceeds to sing “And I am Telling You” from Dreamgirls, no doy, duh, no der, doy doy, no duh, doy.

Tile by tile, McKinley High’s linoleum flooring rose up from it’s glue bed, the walls shook, an airplane just fell out of the sky, and migrating birds across the globe did an about-face and started heading straight for the sun. Obv, Mercedes killed this number to death–her powerful Chocolate Thunder (her words, not mine) clapped from sea to shining sea.

But, then again, a first-generation Nokia cellphone could beep-beep-beep that song at me, and I’d start crying brainjuice in under 10 seconds, carve “fierce” into my chest and jump out the damn window, so I may not technically be the best judge of her performance. HI “AND I AM TELLING YOU”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even Rachel cannot deny that Mercedes and her nuclear ballad is queen of heart-screams, so she hands over the spotlight to her, graciously, without being all Rachel about it.

Then Rachel DOES be all Rachel about it–or, about something else–she decides to tell Finn about Quinn’s lie about Puck’s jizz. Finn gets super-dupes angry about, and punches Puck right in his sex-face.

Quinn comes clean about the whole thing, in front of everyone, because she is a brave and wonderful young lady who knows she fucked up and is very sorry about it. She’s not even mad at Rachel for being a nosy psychic Jewess–Quinn just draws superhuman strength from her false eyelashes and calls it a day. Fierce–that story’s over with.

The gleetards go to Sectionals FINALLY, and are in for a very rude surprise: up first, the Jane Addams girls sing “And I am Telling You,” and then do a “Proud Mary” number in wheelchairs. THOSE YOUNG WOMEN STOLE THE GLEETARDS’ SET LIST AND ADDED SALACIOUS URBAN CHOREOGRAPHY TO IT.

Schue, who’s getting info on Sectionals moment-by-moment on Emma’s live-blog (JK, they’re on the phone), confronts Sue Sylvester for doing what he’s know she did for weeks, and has already confronted her about at least twice. Basically, Sue gets a chance to have a funny line: “Bring it on, William. I am reasonably confident that u will be adding revenge to the long list of things you’re no good at–right next to be married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hairstyle that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian. Luv ya like a sista.”

Schue follows up his Sue-talk with a Finn-talk, in the locker room because–I’ll be right back, none of your business. Schue wants Finn to go to Sectionals and rescue his dork-friends, but Finn is too scared, because of Puck and Quinn and their gorgeous lovechild: “I cant be in the same room as her without crying like a girl, and I cant look at him without wanting to punch his face off.” FIIIIIINNNNNNNNN.

Finn shows up at Sectionals despite his suck-ness, and he’s brought with him a bit of killer sheet music, for to save the day. The gleetards are super inspired, decide to just do new numbers altogether, and let the cheaters eat shit for all they care (paraphrasing).

Rachel is the best singer in the club, everyone agrees, so she gets to sing an impromptu ballad–but, no worries, she’s been working on it since she was 4. New Directions opens its Sectionals set with Rachel singing the shit out of “Don’t Rain on My Parade” from Funny Girl, because no doy, duh, duh, der, no duh, doy doy, duh, the duh-est, no doy, doy. Doy. No duh. Oh, man, obv Rachel was born to scream that song, and she fucking kills the fucking shit out of it.

“Get ready 4 me luv ‘cuz I’m a cummer!”

Then it’s time for Finn’s magic win-song, which turns out to be “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” by The Rolling Stones, which he took the lead on, with some help from Rachel, and a couple good screams from Mercedes.

Then it’s Judgement Day, or whatever, at Sectionals, and the judges discuss what they’ve seen. Anna Camp, the cult-priest’s wife from True Blood had a very funny cameo, as one of the judges (a failed beauty queen) who had this to say about the deaf school’s performance: “I’m just going to come out and say it: this is a singing competition. I don’t know how those deaf kids got in. They weren’t singing, they were like, honking, and everyone was crying and I was like ‘get off the stage, you’re terrible, and you’re making me super uncomfortable'”. LOL, that made me laugh ALMOST as hard as when she gave Jason Stackhouse a handjob in the bath. <3 WHO TAKES BATHS?!

Will shows up to Emma’s wedding–but the place is empty. Quick shout-out to whoever was the DP on this scene: LITERALLY so good. Ken dumped Emma right before the wedding because she obv is <3 with Schue the douche, and treats Ken like the piece of shit he is. Emma's kinda hurt, but not really, and tells Schue all about it, while they both hold in their cum so hard. Then she tearfully announces that she's leaving McKinley High because of all the pain-memories. Her wedding dress is a heinous Ally McBeal cast-off, so natch Schue thinks it’s the epitome of bridal luxury and beautifulness. He tells her that he just left his wife, which he did and I didn’t remember to put that in the recap earlier, but Emma’s still leaving.

Word of Sue’s evil-doings reach Principal Figgins (again?), and this time he’s had it. Figgins strips Sue of her Cheerio’s coaching duty, and suspends her from teaching at McKinley High. I’d look shocked, but I’ve been giving myself Botox this whole time, and I literally can’t.

The gleetards sit Schue down for a very big surprise: THEY WON SECTIONAAAAAAALLLZZZZZZZZZZZZ <3 <3 <3 <3 Yay.

They give him their humongous trophy because obvs he’s gonna have an even better time sitting on it than Kurt will, and then they give him a very private performance of Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You.”

The episode closes with Schue chasing down Emma John-Cusack-style, and planting a big douchey douche French on her tiny OCD left-at-the-altar face.

The season is over. Finn knows the baby’s not his, Schue knows his baby doesn’t exist and his wife is a you-know-cunt, Finn can love Rachel now, and Quinn can love Puck now, and Mercedes has screamed Dreamgirls, and Sue is in time-out for punishment, and Brittany and Santana are sex-lesbians, and Kurt love tiny ties (including bolo ties made of chain), and Tina doesn’t stutter, and Artie’s penis works, and Other Asian’s name is Mike, and Finn loves to punch Puck, and remember how they were supposed to sing Cyndi Lauper at the end of Sectionals and didn’t?, and Rachel is Jewish. GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, I’m’a miss u, gurw. Have fun at camp.