Defining The The Sorcerer’s Apprentice Debate

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice trailer, you guys:

I think this trailer is going to be pretty controversial (I am sure that controversial is the right word and that I am using it right). Because there are two very distinct ways to look at it:

  • Magic is neat and exciting, and this movie is full of super neat and super exciting magic.
  • Nicolas Cage couldn’t have hair act his way out of a wet paper bag, which is wet with my barf.

Of course, both of those stances are correct, which is why most modern debate or rhetoric teams demand that their competitors be able to argue all sides of an issue. But wow, I have a feeling that Nicolas Cage might have secretly died? But instead of just telling America the truth, Hollywood has instituted a covert operation to have a Nicolas Cage look-alike continue to perform in Nicolas Cage movies? Except that the Nicolas Cage look-alike is just slightly worse at acting than Nicolas Cage was* when he was alive. “Once you step into that–LINE! You must leave everything–LINE!”

Also, this is my favorite:

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is the English name of a poem by Goethe, Der Zauberlehrling, written in 1797. The poem is a ballad in fourteen stanzas.

I didn’t know that! If I had known that I would have demanded that Goethe be given a bigger grave! You know, for rolling in. I actually had heard about this movie for a long time, and seen on-set photos posted on the Internet of Nicolas Cage in his wizard-slash-tranny outfit for a long time, but never realized it was supposed to be a variation on THE The Sorcerer’s Apprentice from Fantasia!?! I’m sure that Hollywood gently told my childhood to get on its knees and close its eyes before it put a bullet through my childhood’s face. You know, out of mercy.

I’m also sure that the wig budget for this movie was less than the Bagel Bites budget:

Lookin’ good, gurrrrl! This was a passion project for Nicolas Cage, so he took a HUGE wig budget cut in order to be able to do it. VARIATION: When Nicolas Cage was talking about being broke last month, maybe he was talking about his wigs. Because they are broke as hell. You get it.

You can see The Sorcerer’s Apprentice in HD here. You have five minutes for rebuttal and to rest your case.

*I know that Nicolas Cage can be good at acting sometimes. Like, he was good in Raising Arizona, and Wild at Heart, and Adaptation, and Lord of War (Lord of Zing!). But those seem like happy accidents at this point. It is getting pretty hard to defend Nicolas Cage’s talents for the Cageheads out there, so relax, Cageheads. I’m sure that Nicolas Cage has nothing but millions of dollars and an inexplicably thriving career to ease the wounds of all these mean blogz.