Videogum

Glee S01E11-12: Phew! Everything That Glees Is Not Suck!

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

WOW, how was everyone else’s Thanksgiving? I went to Philly and it was the best. I feel bad for that place though because now there’s no food left there, and someone (else) farted reeeeeeal bad. Bye Philly! Hi, Gleeeee!!!!!!! I have two episodes to write about now, which is the best news I’ve gotten all year, and not a second too soon. I’m a very powerful blogger now, and I don’t get out of bed to blog about less than two episodes of Glee, it’s in my contract–right under the all-powerful Cherry Coke Zero clause, which is the binding-est.

So, the first ep, which aired the night before Thanksgiving, when Amierca was downing its Beta Blockers and practicing all its “I don’t care about my family members’ racistness” exercises in prep for the big day, was called “Hairography,” and it was all about distracting people you love from the truth. It also featured Eve, the rapper, as a stunning glee club director from the Hood. Eve is also from Philly, which makes her my biological sister; also, do you guys even remember how chronic this song was:

That was a beautiful music video, btw.

The episode starts off with all of Mr. Schue’s douche-hunches about Sue Sylvester’s evilness being confirmed: the tall bitch IS up to something, and that something is sabotage. She’s got Brittany, the genius, taping his dance rehearsals; and, she’s leaking his patented jazz boxes and time steps to competing schools, to show his candy ass up at Sectionals. Eve happens to be either the principal or glee club director or both at one of the neighboring schools–Jane Addams High (named either for the historical woman who won a Nobel Peace Prize, or for the skinny big-nippled actress from Sister Act, Happiness, and Hung, in which case there’s only D in the last name; weirdly, no one at Fox HQ wanted to answer my question about this).

Schue sashays his little vagina right over to Jane Addams to confront Eve about her cheating, and the school has so much security that he’s like “WHAT THE FUCK? AM I VISITING COLUMBINE HIGH OR RWANDA OR BOTH?!” (his words, not mine). Eve is not impressed by his accusation, or by his silky Pert Plus fro, and tells him to go fuck himself, so Schue does go fuck himself, by offering his school’s auditorium up for Eve’s hood hussies to rehearse in.

The Jane Addams bitches show up and sing “Bootylicious.” (WAS I NOT BEGGING FOR A DESTINY’S CHILD NUMBER LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO?! I WAS!!! THIS WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN MY CHOICE, I’M MORE OF A “JUMPIN’ JUMPIN'” GURL BUT STILL!!!!) There are about 700 Jane Addams girls, and their performance technique is (I think) supposed to be super urban and gritty.

Compared to the gleetards who usually jump around sing on this shitshow, a fresh blueberry pie cooling on a farmhouse window is super urban and gritty, so who the fuck knows?

The gleetards are shaken by Eve’s girls’ performance–except for Rachel, who thinks their performance was nothing more than ‘Hairography’–smoke and mirrors, or rather hair-tossing and ass-bouncing, meant to distract people from subpar vocals and sloppy choreography.

Schue wants to fight fire with fire though, so he literally gives everyone in glee club a disgusting and ridiculous wig to wear and declares that his bitches are gonna sing the main song from the musical Hair at sectionals. Schue is blind, deaf, and corny as all get-out, but we’ve covered that so many times already it’s like: great.

Quinn is starting to rethink birthing her baby with Finn as the fake dad, so she decides to give Puck a “test drive.” Carefully honey–remember what happened last time you gave him a test drive? You came SO HARD!!! Oh, right, and got pregnant, but remember how good it felt (in your pussy)?! But, before she can go for a spin on Puck’s Torah scroll, Quinn has to get Finn off her back for a night, so she concocts a retarded scheme that uses Kurt to give Rachel a makeover so that Finn will think she’s pretty enough to hang out with for one night. Quinn doesn’t seem to realize that she could’ve just waved a barbecued pork rib in front of Finn’s face for two seconds, chuck it into the woods, and lose him for a fucking week if she wanted to. But, then, I guess, Kurt wouldn’t have been in this episode, which is not a fucking option.

Schue’s cunt wife Terri is starting to feel a little bit of guilt in her cunt about deceiving her pathetic idiot husband, so she buys him a disgusting old sports car to tool out on. It’s the same kind of car he had in high school, so it brings back good memories of popping in a cassette of Under the Table and Dreaming and jerking off to an Aeropostale catalog in the back seat, with a hackysack up his stinker, so Schue’s psyched!!!

Quinn makes an important decision–she’s gonna keep her half-breed baby instead of handing over to Terri the cunt. Terri the cunt, and her sister Kendra (who is the breakout star of this episode), are nonplused. Hi Kendra!!! <3 <3 <3

But, Kendra has a plan–she figures if Quinn spends an hour or two alone with her monster-children, she will DEFINITELY want to throw her own baby away in a dumpster. So Kendra asks Quinn to babysit, and Quinn asks Puck to come along with her, to see how his pecs work for baby-quieting.

Kurt makes Rachel look kiiiiinda hot. She’s like a very chill Rabbi dressed up like Dionne from Clueless for the Purim parade.

It gets Finn’s attention, and his bone agrees to hang out with her on Friday night to split her Shabbas challah real good. Their date goes sour, however, when the never-quite-right Rachel comes out of her bathroom dressed like (Jew)Sandy from the end of Grease, and Finn tells her she looks “like a sad clown hooker.”

That’s harsh Finn–I think she looks more like a proud new tranny who came out kind of late in life, so she’s not gonna get the surgery now, but she’ll buy a decent wig and do the stairmaster, cuz she’s not a monster, she just doesn’t know how to do all this shit yet, so why be so judgmental, she’s trying, you know, so back off, if she’s happy I’m happy for her.

Kendra’s kids are a handful, so Puck and Quinn come up with a very normal plan to quiet them down and get them to go to bed: they sing an acoustic version of Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach,” which was def my fav number of the show.

I said it once and I’ll say it again: Dianna Agron (Quinn) is good. She even pulls off some very iffy “Lucky Star” inspired choreography, which is impressive for a skinny little blond. What an annoying/disgusting character this could be if not performed correctly, am I right?! Here’s the audio (Hulu obv only posts the woooorst numbers):

Rachel figures out that Kurt gave her an ugly tranny makeover on purpose–to sabotage her, because he is in love with Finn too. AGAIN GUYS: barbecued ribs, I’m telling you, he’ll follow them ANYWHERE. They get in a nasty little bitch-fight, which is pretty sad/not that exciting.

Santana tells Quinn that Puck was sexting her during their entire babysitting date, and when she checks Puck’s phone, she’s furious to see THESE sexts:

“You so hot and stuff and stuff”

LOLOLOLOLOL. Very sextual. Puck’s not that sorry, but a little bit sorry, and, well, I guess we’ll have to see how this playz out. Quinn’s not keeping that goddamn baby anymore, though, so that’s that.

The local deaf school is mad that Schue let the Jane Addams girls use his practice space, and not them, so Schue invites the deafs over to see his new number. The gleetards perform a horrific mashup of “Crazy in Love” and “Hair,” in full-on RuPaul’s Drag Race wigs.

Even the deafs are like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? The number was atrocious, except it turns out that Brittany is not only the funniest character on the show right now, but Heather Morris, who plays her, is pretty much the best dancer in history. Check it:

Then the deafs show the gleetards how it’s done, with a “moving” (if atonal) sign language rendition of John Lennon’s “Imagine.” Everyone is humbled, including Schue, who hangs his Herbal Essence curl helmet in shame for forgetting the true beauty of simple talent and earnest performance. So the douche steals 3 of John Rzeznik’s fav TVs and stages a very low-key final number for Sectionals: “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper:

Tina the ska chick took the solo, and nailed it.

OKAY, then last night’s episode “Mattress”?! Uh, am I alone in thinking that this was a fucking PERFECT Glee episode? There was TONS of Sue, interesting/pop song choices, a couple of legit LOL’s, and unlike the nachos I had last night after midnight for dinner #3, it was drenched in hot and delicious on-purpose cheese. <3 <3 I knew I liked you for some reason, Glee. All this time, you just wanted to make me werk for it, huh? Hot.

Emma and Ken’s wedding is coming up in a week–it’s the same day as Sectionals, which Schue thinks Ken did on purpose, but when he talks to Emma about it, she tells him he’s being a retarded asshole (paraphrasing).

The whole school is gearing up for yearbook photos, and obv, it brings out the monster in everyone. Sue gets an eyelift and “while they were in there, told ‘em to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn’t usin’ ‘em.” Ah, Sue, how I’ve missed your actual funniness lately.

Rachel’s back to her Tracy Flick roots–treating yearbook photos as practice for fame, and the paparazzi exposure that comes with it. So, natch, she’s in every club in school, and therefore on every page of the yearbook:

It’s a proud McKinley High tradition to vandalize the Glee Club photo in the yearbook, so to spare this year’s gleetards that particular shame, Sue Sylvester has lobbied to exclude the club from the book altogether. Schue and Rachel are fucking furious, but the rest of the gleetards are relieved. Schue and the Principal Figgins agree on a very lopsided compromise–Schue is allowed to pay for an ad for Glee Club in the back of the yearbook, but it’s only big enough for two of the gleetards to be photographed.

The gleetards choose Rachel to do the photo solo, but Schue insists that she share her spotlight with a “co-captain.” Rachel convinces Finn to pose with her, and then the two sing a duetified version of “Smile” by Lily Allen, which is totez cute. Rachel even almost pulls of the best part of any Lily Allen song–her strong UK accent that doesn’t disappear when she sings (Lily Allen, by the way, just announced that she’s taking a two year hiatus from singing to open a designer clothing RENTAL shop with her sister called Lucy in Disguise. LATER! I’ll miss you, kiiiiiinda).

Finn’s football teammates haze the shit out of him in the locker room for volunteering to be in the Glee Club. Then I took a three-hour break to none-of-your-business.

Finn’s too shaken by his sexperience in the locker room to show up for the Glee photo, and Rachel is super sad, but has to do it solo. Have you guys ever noticed how fucking sensual and plump and expressive Rachel’s lips and mouth are? Jesus fucking Christ, mami: when Rachel cries or pouts, even I have a somewhat-male reaction. She should be in Hershey’s commercials, if they make those.

Anyway, Rachel pulls it together and gets a “good” shot off. Then she finds out that the photographer is shooting a commercial that night for a mattress store, and kicks it into Rachel-drive–getting herself and the rest of the gleetards cast on the spot.

The commercial is fucking hilarious–all the idiots dressed up in old-timey Walter Matthau pajamas doing acrobatics on humongous oversized beds, screaming “Jump” by Van Halen at the top of their lungs. PERFECT.

This scene was like a super-fresh-from-the-fryer mozzarella stick–where the cheese is so hot and stretchy that you kind of choke on it a little bit, but mostly, it’s the best food ever. You know?

Schue goes looking through his bedroom for a pocket square (literally) to complete his douchesemble, and stumbles across one of Terri the cunt’s prosthetic baby bumps. He gets super furious, grabs her by the cunt wrist, pulls up her cunt jersey peasant top, and exposes her cunt lie once and for all!

You go, Schue! I see SOMEONE has been listening to their Nickelback-Inspired Guitar Background Music for Emotions tape! Then he walks out on her cunt, and decides to sleep at school where, luckily, he finds a huge stack of fresh mattresses that the gleetards earned for their perfectness.

Sue sees the mattress commercial and is enraged–she snitches to Principal Figgins, ‘cuz technically the Glee Club is in breech of some rule from some rulebook about not being on TV if you’re a huge dork or something. Sue, Schue and Figgins have a very heated, and very funny, meeting on the issue, during which Sue goes on a fantastic rant against Schue’s Garnier Fructis curl-hive:
“William, you wouldn’t know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbits for pets or for food, and you know why? Because you’re too busy chasing tail and loading your hair with enormous amounts of product! I mean, today it just looks like you put lard in it!…There’s a stack of mattresses in the choir room piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles in the dumpster outside your apartment!”

Quinn straps one on and decides to blackmail Sue to get herself into the Cheerio’s yearbook photo, even though her pregnant ass got kicked off the team for having too much cum in it. Apparently, Sue and her cheerbots make tons of profit of their amateur school club, just like the Glee Club did by being in a commercial, so Sue relents and lets Quinn back on the team. Plus she allows the gleetards to have a full-page photo in the yearbook for free. As a final knee to Sue Sylvester’s turkey meatballs, Quinn quits the Cheerio’s immediately, and Sue is insulted as all hell, delivering the final genius Sue line of the evening:

“Get out of my office, if you can manage to squeeze through the door without your water breaking all over my new carpet!” LOL. Anyone remember THIS scene from The Coneheads movie when Jane Curtin’s water breaks and it’s the fucking craziest?!

The episode ends with all the gleetards getting themselves pretty for their yearbook photo while singing “Smile” by Nat King Cole. The song is cute and good, and the scene included this homoerotic bathroom scene, which complimented the locker room hazing of Finn up top beautifully.

The Glee Club photo is vandalized, per tradition, and the vandals do a pretty genius job. I’m not sure which part I like the best: the fact that the vandals know that Rachel’s vagina is lame, or that obv Mercedes loves to smoke blunts with her bff Gabe, or that if Kurt could buy himself a pair of tits they’d be the biggest in history:

…I think my fav is actually that the vandals didn’t even bother to do anything with Other Asian. Just left him alone. Like the writers!

Since this last episode put me in such a good mood about you, Glee, and since I know I can be a little harsh of your music choices sometimes, I thought I’d get charitable with your for a second and suggest some perfect songs for future episodes. That way you can worry about all the other shit that goes into making Glee, and the rest of us can focus on enjoying ourselves and not feeling sorry for your cast members all the time.

Also, note to the makeup department: QUINN’S FALSE EYELASHES ARE THE FUCKING NUTSEST SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN. REIGN IT IN, PEEPZ.

So, right, a great song for Mercedes:

And, for my gurl Kurt:

For Rachel:

For Quinn:

For Puck:

For Finn:

For Tina:

…and Artie:

You’re welcome, Glee!!!!!