The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: You Will Miss Me When I Burn

Nothing ends. The cycle continues. And the circle is unbroken. So here we stand, once more at the precipice of an enormous crossroads, looking down the ash-covered highway, our hands gripping tightly to the cold push-bar of our shopping cart, wondering if there even is a coast. What round is this anyway? It is no longer possible to tell. The numbers stretch out like the blood-stained path of history. We simply walk down it, because there is nothing else to do. “Do we carry the fire?” the boy asks. “Shut up,” the man says. “Just shut up.”

Last time I was chastised for complaining about this self-imposed, Saw-like “game” (as if I could even cut my own foot off if I wanted to. What good would that do? Now I have to watch Hope Floats with one foot? No thanks). Well, chastise THIS! Don’t you think I’d rather be out there watching Fantastic Mr. Fox all day long? I love joy and wonder just as much as the next 57-year-old adult man. But here I am, curled up in the corner, making New Rules about how many Nicolas Cage movies can be allowed into the Hunt at any given time, for safety reasons (I don’t know what’s wrong, doctor, my eyes are just all, like, poked out or something, as if someone jabbed a knife into them a bunch of times).

In any case, the new round of nominees is after the jump.

  • Hope Floats
  • Blindness
  • The 6th Day
  • The Notebook
  • City of Angels
  • Domino
  • Serendipity
  • Armageddon
  • Wild Hogs
  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
  • Envy
  • Down To You
  • Chasing Amy
  • Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Perfect. It’s just like that new show Flash Forward. That’s the show where people catch a glimpse of their future and then run themselves a warm bath and spend the next few hours wondering where they went wrong, right?

And, of course, the Official Rules:

  1. It cannot be intentionally horrible.
  2. It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. (No “outsider art.”)
  3. It cannot be Glitter. (Or Crossroads.)
  4. It has to have had a theatrical release.
  5. It must be available on Netflix.
  6. No matter how bad the movie, it cannot be based on a popular superhero.
  7. No musicals.
  8. No Robin Williams movies (Note: In a lead role. Supporting roles will be considered on a case by case basis)
  9. Only one Nicolas Cage movie per “round.”
  10. No children’s movies.
  11. Gabe is the boss.

Wait a second. If I am the boss, maybe I could fire myself. Then I could go watch good movies at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce Delahaye! THIS IS NOT A TIME MACHINE, IT IS A CAROUSEL!