Glee S01E10: Can We All AGLEE to Kill Ourselves If This Shit Doesn’t Turn Around Quick?

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

Okay, Glee, I’m not trying to be a dick here, and you know I’m all about supporting your fucking retarded mission to gay-up primetime and ruin people’s taste in music (ALL about it), but, you’re making it awfully hard for me right now. I mean–this week? 4REALZIEZ? Ugh. HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO SING A DESTINY’S CHILD SONG, MAKE A PUSSY JOKE, AND ROLL CREDITS?! Why are you trying to make me sit through an hour with NO upbeat songs, NO Sue Sylvester, and NO ONE getting hit in the head with anything (other than EMOTIONS (and NOT the Destiny’s Child/Bee-Gees cover, which is perfection))?! JESUS CHRIST, GLEE, it’s getting pretty fucking difficult to defend your candy ass, when my mouth is always stuffed to capacity with your lame-tarded BULLSHIT. GAH. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I feel a little bit better. Sorry. NO I’M NOT, but I can pretend to be.

This week’s episode was all about being honest, in song-form. The glee club has to sing ballads, because they do. Someone told them they had to. Someone from Sectionals was like “this week you guys have to do a TV show about ballads” and then everyone in glee club was like “oh, okay, I guess we have to,” and then they did.

Mr. Schue breaks the club up into pairs, for ballad-times, and the pairs are kind of funny: Puck and Mercedes, Quinn and Artie, Finn and Kurt, and Rachel is stuck with Schue because some random guy named Matt is in the hospital because he has a spider in his ear (HOUSE M.D. CROSS-OVER EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!). To demonstrate what a ballad is, Rachel and Schue sing “Endless Love” from Happy Gilmore, and Rachel realizes that Schue’s douche-vibez make her Tzitzit twitch. Natch, nothing funny happens as a result of the hilarious ballad-pairings–just drama. Rachel’s soaking wet for Schue, Kurt’s soaking wet for Finn, Mercedes and Puck have one conversation and they are both dry as a bone…

The Quinn/Finn baby drama unfolds some more this week. We meet their parents–Quinn’s parents are drunk blondes who <3 Glenn Beck (good call, actually), and Finn's got a widow-mom with brown hair and a gorgeous collection of denim vests (his dad died in Desert Storm (LOLOLOLOL, U SLAY ME GLEE! KEEP IT UP YA GOOF)). Finn kind of loses his mind for a second, and sings The Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You” to a Quicktime of Quinn’s sonogram on his laptop:

And when his mom catches him doing that, he spills the beans about Quinn’s …situation. Finn’s got a good mom, and she gives him exactly what a boy in his situation needs–a suffocating moment crammed in real close to his mommy’s denim vest:

Back to Rachel and Mr. Schue–turns out Rachel’s not the first blind/deaf student who’s fallen in love with him. There was a girl named Susie Pepper who loved him so much that when he refused to give her a ride on his conductor’s baton (u know that’s EXACTLY what it looks like), she ate the hottest pepper in the world, which burnt up her esophagus and put her in a coma. Lucky bitch.

So, Schue decides to be honest with Rachel, and let her down easy–by singing a mash-up of “Young Girl” by Gary Puckett and Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.” As you just imagined–it was the worst, but Rachel ate up the doucheformance with relish, and ignored the super-obv message punching her in the Punim.

Then, crazy Rachel shows up at Schue’s house after school, and cooks a gourmet venison casserole for him and his cunt wife Terry, who’s been M.I.A. for a coupla weeks (doing push-upz):

Schue’s not having it, because he hates touching, seeing, smelling, and thinking about naked women. The very thought of young, tight Rachel bouncing up and down in his lap, singing a Funny Girl medley is too much for him to bare, so he drives her ass home.

Finn and Kurt do some quality bonding:

This lubricates WHAT and makes EXCUSE ME hurt less?!

Kurt gives Finn the ballz to tell Quinn’s parents about their fetus project. Just like a normal person in real life, Finn goes over to Quinn’s house, and in the middle of dinner, sings Paul Anka’s “You’re Having My Baby.” Even though Quinn’s parents are drunk, blonde Glenn Beck perverts, even they pick up on the song’s super subtle lyrical message.

They kick Quinn the fuck out of their mansion, and she goes to live with Finn and his mom.

Rachel gets a self-esteem lesson from Susie Pepper in the ladies’ room, and then apologizes to Schue for being deaf/blind enough to have a crush on him.

The episode ends with the glee club singing a cheesy “Lean On Me” at Quinn’s and Finn’s faces. It’s saccharine, and weak, and while that IS how I like my coffee, it is not how I like my musical finales.

Again, Mercedes’ “chocolate thunder” is relegated to the final minutes of the shitisode, although she did have a moment toward the beginning of act 3 where she explained to Puck the difference between a Baby Daddy and a Father. Whatevz.

Basically, this episode was boring, sappy, sad, and sucked. The only way for Glee to redeem itself after this one is for next week’s episode to just be an hour-long monologue by Sue Sylvester about what is wrong with her genitals, interrupted three times for a frame-by-frame recreation of this video, starring Mercedes and Kurt as Beyonce and Gaga:

Sorry to get all Hard Gabe on your asses, but c’mon you guys. Even I know this week wasn’t good, and that means it was technically terrible. Because I think shit’s great when it’s okay, good when it’s bad, and okay when it’s the worst.

THE END ? ? ? ?