An Open Letter To The Ladies Of The View On The Subject Of Rape

Dear the ladies of The View,

You have GOT to be KIDDING me. What is wrong with you? Have the hot studio lights melted so much of the plastic holding your faces together that some of it has seeped into your brains? Your bizarre and inexplicable treatment of classic rape (not to be confused with rape-rape) over the past few months has been so strange, insensitive, and inappropriate, that I am starting to get the sense that you’re only famous because everyone has a soft spot for the mentally disabled.

I’m referring of course to an earlier episode in which you ladies discussed the Roman Polanski being a child rapist who is now in jail for raping children situation, and Whoopi Goldberg defended him by pointing out that we do not know if what he did to a 13-year-old girl was “rape” or “rape-rape.” There is a difference? There is a difference, apparently. And now this morning, Modern Family star Sofia Vergara made an incredibly unfortunate (if that is really the word to use for this, probably not) joke about how she was raped when she was a child and that is why she looks so great? She is beautiful, that’s true. I guess it must have been the make-believe rape.


LOL, is what you guys say! You all laughed at this insufferable “joke”!

Uh. Some people are claiming that Whoopi is the only one who did not laugh, but I am not sure I believe this. That coughing at the end could just as easily be laughter-coughing. And besides, Whoopi Goldberg’s position on rape (and rape-rape) is already in question enough. She could have called in sick to this episode and I still would have found her non-existent reaction to be suspect.

Ladies of The View, I know how hard it must be to produce a one-hour talk show every morning. You can barely keep your eyes open on the limousine ride from your mansion to the studio, and then you spend an hour working very hard to not think at all about anything that you say before you say it. After that, you only have 20 hours left until you’ve got to do it all over again, and that doesn’t leave much time to sit around and drink white wine and continue to not think about anything whatsoever. Well, it leaves 20 hours to do that, but is that enough? Probably not!

And I understand that you are dealing with temperamental, egotistical celebrities who are just as eager as you to get back to their lukewarm swimming pools and the momentary existential relief of mindless athletic sex, and that the pressure for everyone to leave the set feeling like they got what they needed is very strong, and exhausting (exhausting? Sure) so perhaps you laugh at teenage-rape-victim-as-beauty-secret jokes out of sheer nervousness and fatigue. You wanted to keep your guest happy! And by the time you’d even processed what she had said, the moment had passed, and perhaps it was easiest just to move on.

Well how about you DON’T do that. Nervous laughter is terrible even when it is benign, which this was not, and it’s your job to listen (in easy, six minute stretches) to what people are saying to you for one hour a day. You’re paid fucking millions of dollars to be on national television with what are supposedly interesting and important opinions. ACT LIKE YOU DESERVE IT, YOU STUPID, STUPID ASSHOLES.

Human Beings.

(Video via everywhere.)