Oprah Pretends That Sarah Palin Is An Actual Human Being

Look, let’s be real for once. Regardless of who you voted for in the last election–John McCain or that TERRORIST–or which political party you believe has the best ideas to lead our country through the converging tidal waves of 2012, there is one person who emerged during last fall’s historic election about whom none of us should be confused: Sarah Palin. Political ideologies, economic models of communal or individual prosperity, and virulent hatred of certain minority groups’ desire to be in love with each other aside, that woman is one of the worst assholes in the entire world. Period. When it comes to that, we are purple*! So what is concerning about yesterday’s interview on The Oprah Winfrey Show is not so much having to look at this animatronic nightmare’s face spewing some of the worst lies anyone has ever heard, although that is difficult, but it was the simple legitimacy that Oprah’s extended interview with her offered to the concept that she is a normal human being who deserves attention and dignity and respect. Nope!

Ugh. Just unbearable. It’s like watching a female George W. Bush talk, except without the tinge of borrowed seriousness that is bestowed by actually being the President, and without the modicum of internalized intelligence that comes from being surrounded by a group of serious and well-educated advisers. Someone seriously flipped her “aw shucks” switch to “high” and then snapped it off at the base. Her false modesty and her practiced “normalness” is the worst part. She is just a normal lady with a cold heart full of unapologetic bigotry, dead eyes full of blind ambition, who hunts wolves from airplanes in $10,000 dresses picked out for her by handlers, and still actually somehow believes that she is qualified to be the President of the United States**.

Again, that’s fine! We live in America. It is everyone’s Constitutional right to be a destructive robot hell-bent on terminating the rights of human beings and also the truth. The shame here is really on Oprah for pretending like all of this is real. Be careful, Oprah! She’ll be back! It IS a tumor!

*I know that when it comes to that we are not purple. I reconize that Sarah Palin is incredibly popular, her book is a best-seller, and she is, even if only foolishly, seriously considering a run as a 2012 GOP Presidential candidate (AKA our last election). But I do feel strongly that we SHOULD be purple. She’s awful. Just awful.
**It is possible that Sarah Palin doesn’t actually believe she is qualified to be the President of the United States. It is possible that she is now playing a character because that character has proved popular and lucrative. It could be that she, like many humans, suffers moments of self-doubt and gets into situations for which she is unprepared. But as a horrifying monster and fucking liar, she presents no alternate self-conception to the boldly ignorant self-appointed leader of the Dumb World, so we don’t need to give her this humanizing credit.