Glee S01E09: Two Weeks L8r, I’m Still Tasteless

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

Oh man, remember when those NEANDERTHALS insisted on playing their WORLD SERIES for so long that we didn’t have Glee for two weeks??!!??!! Ugh, that was the fucking worst. I had to entertain MYSELF like a fucking ORPHAN with no Mommy and Daddy to tell to shut up during Glee. Motherfuckers with their fitted stirrup pants and developed triceps, all their bat-swinging and their proper-levels-of-testosterone-having. Get a fucking life, MLB, and quit ruining mine (I did that for you when I started experimenting with drugs a little too late in life and decided to grow my hair out into a tall, multi-colored afro, which I kept out of my fat face with novelty shoelaces, TRUTHS). I had to fill the time creatively, and I learned a little bit about myself. Turns out I like my men the way I like my coffee: DISGUSTING. Cold, weak, bitter, pretty gritty on the bottom…

Oh, also, no doy times a trillion, this helped:

I know, I know, hard Gabe already put that video up on Videogum. BUT. COME. ON. <3 <3 <3 <3. Right, so, Glee this week was all about accepting people with mental and physical disabilities, and the show really beat the message to death, by hiring a blind lady to do the makeup, and then putting her in charge of lights as well:

As if the message of “honor thy lesser” wasn’t enough beef for Glee to gnaw on with its mouth open, the episode opened with a stinging political message for all the conservative fucktards at Fox who make this show possible. Quinn is stuck with a monster medical bill for her ultrasound, which she can’t pay, and Finn can’t help her pay it, because he’s one of America’s 9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 unemployed hunks. SHIT JUST GOT REAL (Dick Cheney is SPINNING in his grave).

Then Schue finds out that the handicapped-accessible bus he planned to rent for Sectionals is way too expensive, and the public school system is too damn broke to lend a hand (their transportation budget was slashed to re-Mink the boardroom floors at Goldman Sachs). It’s up to Schue to raise the funds himself, with the help of a certain Glee Club he loves so much, and would NEVER secretly dream about slipping Extasy to just to see what would happen.

Schue tells the kids that they should have a bake sale to raise money for a handicapped bus. It’s important to him that Artie feel like he’s part of the team, but the kids are not having it. They are selfish, worthless twats, who think Artie should find his own ride to Sectionals. Burn.

This makes Artie pretty upset, so he wheels off into musical-number-oblivion, and sings a slowed-down “Dancing with Myself,” which is kind of sad and sweet and decidedly upbeat, with none of the leather-and-gin-breath-sex that made Billy Idol’s version so famous.

During the number, we also see that Artie has a crush on Tina, the Ska Asian with a stutter:

Schue catches wind of Artie’s upset-ness by spying on him (“No, the camera’s not on, the red light always blinks when it’s off, just be yourself”–Mr. Schue letting someone use his bathroom). When the Glee Club reconvenes for rehearsal, Schue’s all business: the bake sale is a must, and as punishment for making Artie sing a sad song in his deep and lovely voice, everyone else has to spend 3 hours a day in a wheelchair, so they can feel what it’s like to be fucked up in the body.

The kids relent, and accept their punishment accordingly. But, Kurt the Gay has a different bone to pick with Schue, and it has nothing to do with either of their internet browsing histories. Kurt wants a chance to sing the solo in the big number at Sectionals–a song from Wicked that is written for a girl, and has a high F in it (kid’s so uptight he’d have to be pretty high to eff amiright?!?!?!?!?!?!?!). Schue says no way, because he already promised the part to Rachel, and her people know some very powerful spells.

Puck starts giving Quinn money towards her medical bill, which is sweet. It starts off slow, but it’s more than Finn is able to give her. One of my fav lines of the ep is what he says after he gives her $18.00 in cash:

“It’s what I had left over from my pool cleaning money, after I bought dip and nunchucks.”

The Glee-tards roll around school in their wheelchairs, learning Artie’s plight: wheelchairs put you at perfect getting-hit-in-the-head-height (the more you know™):

“dumplings and clay for lunch agaaaaaaaaaain?”–Rachel

Kurt’s pretty pissed that Schue the douche won’t let him sing the big solo, and Kurt’s dad hates to see his daughter upset. So, he marches right down to the principal’s office and demands that Kurt get a fair shake, spewing my other favorite line of the episode:
“Put on a blindfold, listen to my kid sing and you’ll swear you’re hearing Ronnie Spector!” Schue gives in, and allows Kurt to audition for the part of Woman.

The principal, Mr. Figgins, is one of many background characters who really got to shine this week. He’s been funny all along, but this week he had some hilarious lines. Another background character who kind of became my fav-y-fav was Brittany, the dumb-dumb, who in my opinion, is the funniest “stupid” on TV since Quinn’s friend Tiffany on Daria:

Principal Figgins is so impressed with Mr. Schue’s passion for the handicapped that he forces Coach Sylvester hold open auditions to fill Quinn’s fertile-ass spot on The Cheerios. At first, she is nonplussed:

But after an audition sequence that could/should have been HILARIOUS, but instead was meh, Coach Sylvester chooses Becky, a sweetheart with an extra 23rd chromosome, to be her newest cheerleader.

Sue also buys 3 new handicapped ramps for the school, which arouses Schue’s suspicion that she is up to something NASTY. But, it turns out that underneath all of Sue Sylvester’s gruff world-hate lies the beating heart of a woman whose sister is mentally disabled (YET GORGEOUS):

Puck starts to give Finn a hard time about not stepping up to he plate to father the fetus he thinks is his but isn’t. Finn doesn’t like that at all, so the two get in a fist fight that for WHATEVER reason doesn’t end in a facial cumshot.

Puck decides to make some serious cash for his perfect-pec’d fetus secret, and uses the handicapped-bus bake sale as an opportunity. He scores some sweet mama weed from Sandy the pervert, and makes some 420-cakes, which OBV sell super well and makes everyone who eats them think that Glee is a gr8 show.

It cost me a cool millie to buy that plug for my debut album Chronic Lady, but I think it’ll be worth it when I knock Taylor Swift down a peg or two on the old Napster Top 100.

Kurt’s dad receives a phone call at work of the turn-on-your-patio-lights variety, when the caller simply says “your son’s a fag.” He’s spooked the fuck out, even though Kurt tells him that people call him a fag all the time, and that that call isn’t even half the shit his dad should be preparing himself to receive on his behalf.

Then, when it’s time for Kurt and Rachel’s big showdown, Kurt fucks up by missing his big high note, and Rachel almost fucks up by wearing the wrong costume (she thought they were going to sing “No One’s Up Here, Okay? Byeeee!!!!” from The Diary of Anne Frank):

Kurt admits to his dad that he threw the audition, because he saw how upset his dad got when he was hazed by an anonymous stranger over a landline. LAME/MAKEYNOSENSE.

Artie and Tina finally kiss, and then Tina admits to Artie that her stutter is fake–she picked it up in 6th grade because she was so shy that it was the only way she could get people to stop talking to her. LAME/MAKEYNOSENSE. Artie’s like “WHAT?!” and then like “y’know what, fuck you” (paraphrasing).

Tina is so sad that her bullshit nonsense unnecessary secret hurt Artie’s feelings, one can only assume that she does what any blue-haired Ska dork would do in her position–run home and watch The Craft on 3 different TV’s, starting each one at a different time, so it’s like a round.

The episode ends with a musical number: “Bionic Sex Virus” from Resident Evil 4 on Broadway:

J/K, it was “Proud Mary,” featuring the entire cast in wheelchairs, and we finally got a taste of Mercedes’ self-described “chocolate thunder.” Semper Fudge, mami <3.

Only the bootleg audio is available right now, because Hulu is too bizzy jerking off to post the video:

Mmmmm. Can’t get enough of Mercedes–mostly because the jiz-brains who put this show together don’t LET me get enough of her. More Mercedes, you fucks!!!!!!!!!! I’ll let you off the hook a little bit this week though, because at least you didn’t make Mr. Schue burst out into a spontaneous “Ruff Ryder’s Anthem” by DMX or some shit.

Also, Glee, I better fucking see you next week, unless. This tacky shit is MY World Series, y’heard?