V: Sometimes I Feel Like Some V’s Are Watching Me

[Ed. note: Joe Mande is a stand-up comedian who has appeared on Comedy Central and Best Week Ever, and is the creator of the popular blog, Look At This Fucking Hipster (soon to be a popular book!). Now, he is going to do to ABC’s reboot of V what he did to skinny jeans and kafias (make fun of it on-line).]

If you missed the insane premier episode of V, here’s all you really need to know about the show: The earth has been invaded by a bunch of hot aliens who call themselves the “V’s.” At first, they seemed super chill. But then it turned out they were not chill at all. The V’s are uncomplicatedly evil lizard people, covered in fake human-like skin, who are hell-bent on global domination. So, basically they’re space Scientologists (which is what I call regular Scientologists.) [Ha! Take that, Scientologists!]

Last week’s episode ended in a Brooklyn warehouse, where a resistance group was having its first meeting. A meeting that was rudely interrupted by a bunch of V’s who knew Karate. This is how Erica found out her partner Dale was a V.

The moral is: No one can be trusted. Not even your blonde coworkers.

This week’s episode begins outside the warehouse, moments after the V Karate attack. Erica and Father Jack are sitting around, chatting, when a small spaceship flies overhead and lands in the parking lot behind them. (Sure. Because no one would monitor the whereabouts of small spaceships coming out of the giant spaceship hovering above New York City.) Erica tries to call 911 to report the spaceship, but guess what? The V’s RUN 911, SON! And the V’s don’t send squad cars, they send floating silver soccer balls.

Duh. That’s why you call 311 for shit like that. Good thing this all happened in Brooklyn, or else Erica wouldn’t have those killer junkyard stickball abilities.

Erica and Father Jack decide the best way to avoid anymore floating silver soccer balls is to go back to their normal everyday lives. But they promise to be suspicious of everyone they meet, because anyone could be a V in disguise. Even if you’re a priest, it’s important to have V.D. (Visitor Defensiveness) at all times. You never know when a V might be watching your D.

Erica goes back to her giant two-story house in New York City. You know, the house she pays for as a single mother with a government job. And Father Jack goes back to his church, where he finds his creepy priest-boss watching cable news.

I call Jack’s priest-boss creepy for two reasons. One, he’s clearly a V; and two, he’s way too nonchalant about people dying of stab wounds in his church.

Meanwhile, Erica’s son, Tyler, has joined the V’s Peace Ambassador program because he wants to have sex with a blonde alien named Lisa. Here they are, space flirting.

“That’s Verducci’s Pizza. It’s the best slice in the city. Have you ever had pizza?”
“Well, you’ll love it. Listen I’ll take you there one day. But, we’d have to leave California first. Because we’re clearly in California right now.”

The flirting seems to be going well for Tyler, but then he gets upset and punches an anti-V protester in the face. But Peace Ambassadors can’t punch people in the face! It’s against the rules of Peace. Lisa walks away disappointed. Tyler loses 100 pussy points.

Back on the Guantanamo deck of the V’s spaceship, we get a glimpse of advanced alien interrogation techniques. Apparently, space torture is all about forcing humans to engage in imaginary Fear Factor challenges.

No joke, I think I’ve seen that torture table before on Kanye West’s blog. (A quick note to the writers of V: if you want American viewers to be scared and distrustful of the V’s, you can’t have their treatment of prisoners be way more humane than our own government’s treatment of prisoners. Dramatically, it’s just ineffective.)

Father Jack goes to the FBI to turn an envelope of photos he was given by the man who died in his church. He sees Emily and he’s like, “Wait. What? You’re an FBI agent?” And she’s like, “Wait. What? You’re a priest?” They both get angry at one another for keeping secrets? Even though they just met the night before in a warehouse full of lizard people doing karate? They’re both very angry! Neither of them can trust anyone anymore! Why can’t they meet a single person who isn’t a liar or a lizard person?

Then there’s Ryan, the black guy who is really a lizard person, but a good lizard person so it’s okay. Ryan goes to Newark to see Angelo, a cranky car mechanic he knows. It turns out that Angelo is an old friend from the good lizard people society. They reminisce briefly about being good lizard people. Then Ryan shows Angelo the gash on his arm and Angelo fixes it, because aside from being a good lizard person and a car mechanic, he’s also a fake human skin mechanic. But then Angelo gives Ryan a dose of sleeping potion because even in the small world of good lizard people, no one can be trusted. While Ryan is asleep in the car garage, Angelo breaks into Ryan’s (giant, two-story New York City) house, looking for clues about his human fiancé? To be honest, I don’t really know what was going on by this point. All I know is that all this nonsense led to this scene, which made me LOL, Massachusetts.

God, sometimes being an actor looks like the most retarded job in the world. The director was probably like, “Listen, Morris. How about this: The third time you repeat that stupid line, why don’t you start kissing Lourdes’ neck? Yeah, just say the words ‘a guy I used to know’ in between kisses. Okay? And then, when you start to exit the room, look back over your shoulder like you’re a scared. Like you’re a scared lizard person. But on the inside. You’re a good, scared lizard person on the inside. Got that? Great. And…action!”

Let’s see, what else? Oh, Chad, the Anderson Cooper-type character, goes on the spaceship to tell Anna, the leader of the V’s, that she’s going to have to deal with his newfound journalistic integrity. He’s like, “I’m not a Chris Wallace, I’m a Chris Matthews. Let’s play Hardball.” And, Anna is like, “Fine, whatever.”

Back at the Celebrity Centre, Lisa tells Tyler he might get kicked out of the Peace Ambassadors for violently attacking someone, which makes sense considering that kind of behavior is literally the opposite of peace. Tyler is sad about this, because now he might never pop his alien cherry.

Erica and Father Jack eventually reconcile. They have to, otherwise this show won’t happen. They agree to work on the V resistance movement together. Great. Do it. Go start a war with the V’s already.


Wait. What’s that? A surprise ending?

OMG! Can you believe it? Dale’s alive!

Who’s Dale? Are you kidding? You know, Dale. From before. Erica’s FBI partner? The dude she hit in the head with a pipe and then saw he had a lizard face? That guy. Yeah, he’s the dude on the Kanye West torture table. And he’s alive! Did you honestly think the producers of V were going to kill off a character played by Alan Tudyk? After only one episode? What are you an idiot? He’s Alan Fucking Tudyk!