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Gossip Girl S03E09: That’s Your Threesome

“Have you been so busy that you’ve forgotten what time of year it is?” Gossip Girl asks at the top of the episode. Uh, no? No, I have not. It is fall. It is a week and a half after Halloween. It is two and a half weeks before Thanksgiving. I know all that, and I have been very busy! But not too busy, Gossip Girl, no. But then she explains that it is Cotillion Time. Oh, I guess I have been too busy. How could I have forgotten that it is Cotillion?! I need a life coach to help me remember when it is Cotillion! No I don’t! I think that if anything, not remembering that it is Cotillion means that I am just the right amount of busy. Anyway, Jenny needs the perfect escort so that she can become the Queen of All High Schools, or something. I like how a couple of weeks ago Jenny spent exactly three seconds talking about how she didn’t want to be involved with any mean girls or social hierarchies, and then she not only instantly did a complete reversal, but she has become the absolute worst? Well, to be fair, Jenny has always been the worst. So never mind.

When she shows up at the Cotillion rehearsal, everyone is like “gas face.”



Agreed! I agree with all of those faces. Jenny knows that the only way to stop being thought of as “Jenny from Brooklyn” is to have the perfect date. Huh? I would have thought that moving into a 30 million dollar Upper East Side penthouse apartment and having Serena Van Der Woodsen and Chuck Bass as your brother and sister would have made people stop thinking of you that way. Ugh. Did I seriously just type that sentence? Let me try again. “I would have thought that this gun would have had more bullets in it before I put it in my mouth.”

Blah blah blah, Jenny wants to go out with some guy who would be “perfect,” but how?! Eric is like “why don’t you just take my gay boyfriend as your escort,” and Jenny is like “I am so nervous about making a good impression on people obsessed with social status, I’m sure going to the dance with my step-brother’s gay boyfriend is a great plan and I can already see it working out perfectly.” Eric is like “also, here is how you dance.”

It’s going to be neat when Eric is cast in Guillermo Del Toro’s The Hobbit and they don’t have to do any CGI-foreshortening of his legs at all. Anyway, Jenny goes to find the mean girls and tell them that instead of finding her the perfect date, she’s just going to go to Cotillion with her step-brother’s gay boyfriend, and that is when she gets a text message from Johnny Hamptons, or whatever, asking if she’ll be his date. Uh oh! Eric texts back as Jenny saying that she already has a date. Everyone on this show has a strong moral center, and almost all of them are constantly doing the right thing. If I was an Ethics Professor at a college, I would just put episodes of this show on and leave the room. Just drop the mic and leave the room.

MEANWHILE, Hilary Duff is being pressured into appearing in the next Twibright movie, and the nerds aren’t helping!

“Harry Knowles.”

But she just wants to be a college student who does college student stuff! She actually complains about how much she doesn’t want to be in the movie. “You guys don’t understand, they’re offering me 10 million dollars, but I just want to do laundry in the dorm basement and fill 30 tiny glasses with every kind of soda.” Her agent and her parents are flying in from LA to try and convince her to take the movie. “It’s like The Sopranos, but with bagels,” she says. Uh, clearly someone has never watched The Sopranos?

“Please take a year off from college to retake the starring role in a very popular vampire movie, you fat fuck.”

In an attempt to try and keep Hilary Duff at NYU, Dan and Vanessa decide to give her the college experience that she has always dreamed of, based on a cheesy list in the NYU student paper of the 15 things everyone should do before they graduate. Cool! I bet that’s a really cool list and it’s going to convince Hilary Duff that being a movie star is dumb and awful. “I wish I could stay here playing beer pong and throwing up in a toilet that is already full of throw up FOREVER!”

Jenny finds out that Eric lied to her about Calvin Caviar, or whatever his name is, and she is so mad. She also is mean to Blair for no real reason? I don’t really get anything that Jenny does, ever. It would be so easy to go to this stupid dance with the guy she wants to go with, without being a total the c-word in the process. Again, with the me, and the pretending like I care! Anyway, now Eric and Blair are a team. I never would have thought they would be a team! Just kidding. I assume everyone will eventually be a team. It is only a matter of time before Rufus and Blair try to get back at Nate and Lily hooks up with Serena and Chuck becomes best friends with the Central Park Duck Pond. There are only so many combinations! Eric and Blair decide to make some other stupid girl queen of all the high schools in the world instead. By helping her do her hair. And by getting Phillipe Von Diamonds to date her instead of Jenny. “How did you pull that off?” Blair asks Eric. “By telling him that what happens at Camp Suisse doesn’t necessarily stay at Camp Suisse.” Camp Suisse. This show.

Jenny is so humiliated! But she is going to get Blair back! By…getting Nate to be her date to the dance? It’s weird that we’re 3/4 of the way through the show and not a single person has thought to bar the doors to Cotillion and set the building on fire. Hello? So now Jenny is the queen again but Eric’s boyfriend dumps him and Eric is going to destroy Jenny and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of would rather see what is going on with Dan and Vanessa and Hilary Duff!

Oh wait, no I would not! Because what is going on is A NIGHTMARE!

WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER EMERGENCY EYE WASH!

The grossest part of the threesome scene, besides every second of it, and besides that terrible T.I. cover, is the fact that at the beginning of the episode, when Dan and Vanessa first find the list of 15 Things You Should Do Before You Graduate, one of the items on the list is “have sex with someone you never want to see again.” And at the beginning of this scene, Dan says that they completed 14 out of the 15? So somewhere in the middle of the day, all three of them had regrettable one-afternoon stands? Well done, writers. This show is like Lost, you just now the writers have a giant binder filled with the Gossip Girl mythology so that they can keep everyone’s story straight. (The writers do not have a giant binder filled with the Gossip Girl mythology.)

Oh, also, Blair and Serena make up in an elevator.

Phew. i was worried that I was going to have to keep pretending like I cared whether or not Serena and Blair would ever be friends agaizzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. This girl knows what I’m talking about:

Oh, also, Serena almost starts having an affair with Tripp Vanderbilt. Neat! And her dad finally writes her a letter. Uh oh! And Jenny’s face gets splashed in acid like in that documentary Crazy Love and she spends the rest of her life blindly waiting for her boyfriend to get out of prison. I wish!