Videogum’s Teen Korner: K-Stew In A Movie About Divorced Vampires


Listen up dudes who recognize that a strong academic background is just as important as having a girlfriend, and girls who recognize that you have to like yourself before you can get someone else to like you, I know that you want to live your life spontaneously. Your parents (yuck!) and teachers (boo!) are always trying to get you to think about college, to take up hobbies that might lead to a career, to get serious about your future, when all you want to do is have some fun for once in your stupid life! And that’s fresh! Mountain Dew Code Black! In some ways when you tell your parents (ew!) and your teachers (double boo!) that they’re just jealous because they are old dried up corpses waiting to die, you’re kind of right. Everyone enjoys the young people’s ability to live a life unfettered by responsibility or even a serious grasp of the relationship between actions and consequences. TurboGrafx 16!

But your parents (barf!) and your teachers (triple boo!) have a point, too. NOW HEAR ME OUT. It’s great to get into your dad’s modest, sensible Toyota and just drive all night with the windows rolled down listening to Cobra Spaceship, but you’ve got to put some thought into your future. Just make a list of some goals, and whenever you achieve a goal, cross it out. And that’s cool ranch!

Take for example Kristen Stewart? From Twilight? Hello? McFly! Did she just sit around eating Twizzlers and crimping her hair, wondering when she would get to be in another movie about teenage vampires and also werewolves? No! She went out there and she got herself a new movie about adult divorced vampires, paving the way for a life after Twilight (I know that right now it feels like there is no such thing as life after Twilight, but one day you will look back on all this and you will laugh and laugh). It is called The Yellow Handkerchief, and it looks…well it has Kristen Stewart in it!

Adult divorced vampires with undead moustaches who were in vampire jail and vampire pine over their vampire ex-wives are not nearly as sexy as grumpy teenage vampires who sparkle in the woods and climb all the trees. But life is about learning how to accept the inevitable changes as they come. One day you wake up and 300 years have gone by, and you’re sitting in a vampire boat in the vampire bayou wondering “how did I vampire get here.” I know that it doesn’t seem that way to you now, but trust me, it vampire happens to vampire everyone.