Gossip Girl S03E08: Vote Or Die Or Just Die

At the end of this week’s episode, they showed the teaser for next week’s episode, and it is going to feature a threesome? Perfect. They should use this show in junior high school classrooms, to teach children about life. But more importantly: what is going on this season? It is so disjointed! Things were so much easier when everyone was in high school and we at least had the prospect of college to hold onto. Now it’s all movie stars this, congressional election that. I mean, sure, dating movie stars and running for congress are just typical things that adults do, so it makes sense that now that everyone on this show is 18, they’re going to get involved in government and be the subject of talk show interviews. I guess I just miss the way things were. You’ve changed, Gossip Girl.

Anyway, the threesome is next week (yay?), let’s talk about this week (boo?):

So, Nate’s cousin, Trip, is running for Congress. Sure. (Speaking of, did you vote today? You should go vote today. I can’t believe this is the post in which we talk about the importance of civic engagement.) He is down in the polls, and Grandfather is not happy. But Trip would rather lose than run a dirty campaign. Haha, sure, Trip. I mean, that’s a noble sentiment, but does it really matter the day before the election? You’ve been running your campaign for months now, or at least two weeks, and Grandfather and Nate already conspired once to leak a fake bong photo to the press because they’re both political science majors who just get it. Karl Rove is like “everything I know, I learned from Grandfather and Nate.”

Then, a man falls into the water and Trip jumps in and saves him, and Vanessa catches the whole thing on tape because she’s making another nonsense documentary.

Always with the documentaries, that one. She’s the Morgan Spurlock of the NYU dorms. Which is to say annoying, and making bad documentaries. In any case, I am sure that Trip saving that man from drowning the day before the election will turn out to be completely legitimate and not a hoax in order to boost his numbers at the polls.

Meanwhile, Dan really wants to see Hilary Duff’s interview on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. He tries to watch it on-line, but she insists that he needs to see it in HD. What a show off. Relax, Hilary Duff, you don’t have to be a movie star to get HD anymore.

Also, I love the set design for all of the dorm hallway scenes.

“This is not a believable number of posters on these walls. This is a dorm, people. Get me one billion posters everywhere or you’re fired.” That is what the Gossip Girl set designer said. He or she is the best at his or her job.

Anyway, later, Dan, Hilary Duff, and Jenny are playing Scrabble with Rufus and Lily, the way that college freshmen, one of whom is a movie star, and high school seniors, are always doing. We are informed that Dan is a Scrabble genius because he turns the word “door” into the word “doormat” for a triple-word score.

Um, that’s worth 30 points. What a retarded family. Dan excuses himself to go to the bathroom or something, whatever is that people on this show are always excusing themselves to go do before some inadvertent snooping leads them to a secret someone else has been keeping, and ends up watching the Jimmy Fallon interview on the Internet. He takes off in a hurry, although not before Rufus makes a stupid comment about how leaving a Scrabble game before playing Q on a double-letter square is “not the Humphrey way.” First of all, how do you know what Dan’s letters are, Rufus, you fucking cheater? And second of all, you’re right, the Humphrey way is being a negligent father and a self-obsessed man-child.

Vanessa is the only one who recorded footage of Trip’s heroic rescue of the man in the water, and New York 1 has offered to buy it from her. New York 1! All her dreams are coming true? She tells Nate that she needs to go home and “get her tapes ready,” whatever that means. Get them ready for what? For a five second segment of them to be used by a terrible news broadcast? But when Vanessa gets home, she discovers that the tape actually reveals not only that the man did not fall into the water, but that he gently sat himself on the edge of the pier, jumped in, and then swam for awhile. Haha. That is hilarious. But what is even more hilarious is when Vanessa uses her computer’s Enhance Function.




Being a woman of integrity (unless someone tells her to lie, in which case she will usually lie immediately) she must break the story of this hoax. Nate asks her not to, but as hard as it is for her, her job as a non-journalist who is not a journalist is to get the truth out there via someone who is a journalist. But then Nate sets her up! And she sells the tape to a woman who, I guess, Nate hired off Craigslist? But then Vanessa sells the tape anyway. DOUBLE-BURNS. So that was easy enough, I guess. But later, as she sees her name on the screen she has to wonder if it was worth it.

I mean, sure, on the one hand she is the most famous journalist in the world now that she sold five seconds of footage to NY1. She’s our generation’s Woodward and Bernstein. But at what cost, Vanessa?

Oh, also Blair and Serena are having a competition to see who can hate the other one more. I hope they both win! It’s really boring even though it is supposed to be one of the central elements of the episode. Will they ever be friends again? Who cares! I thought they stopped being friends last year when they were pulling each other’s weaves out on the Dean of Yale’s porch. NO DICE. Unfortunately they managed to patch things up. But you know how TV is: you always have to raise the stakes. And what is the next obvious terrible thing you can do to someone after pulling their hair? That is right. Pushing their face into a cake.

It’s just like Chekov said. If there is a cake on the a wall in the first act, some bitch must get her face pushed into that cake in the third act. Chuck tells Serena that she needs to patch things up with Blair because one day she is going to be telling people about Blair Waldorf, the girl who used to be her best friend. Huh? Is Blair going to die? It sounds like Blair is going to die. Chuck’s probably just referring to 2012, and assuming that Serena will be able to use her family connections to get on the government’s A.R.K. rescue transports. So Serena quits her job as a publicist, but it is too late. Blair is going to be friends with Weezer a prostitute now instead (long story).

Meanwhile, Hilary Duff finds Dan at the Williamsburg loft (that is basically just Dan’s fuckpad now? No one lives there, they just keep it for young fucking?) and tries to apologize for telling an embarrassing story on Jimmy Fallon because Jimmy Fallon and we get it she was on Jimmy Fallon. But Dan wasn’t embarrassed at all, he was simply reminded that he needed to prepare her a romantic dinner for their one month anniversary, that is why he left Scrabble while he was so busy demolishing that group of Special Needs adults. One month anniversary. More like, one month barfservary, am I right?

To make it up to him, though, Hilary Duff goes back on Jimmy Fallon (one week later?) and Jimmy Fallon apologizes to Dan on the air and makes them an anniversary cake? I’m not a Professor of Late Night Television Booking Schedules, but HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK.

BACK AT THE ELECTION PARTY AGAIN, Nate takes responsibility for the rescue hoax, and Trip wins the election. But it turns out that it was actually Trip’s girlfriend or wife or whoever the hell that girl is who planned the whole thing in order to win Trip the election and also to get Grandfather out of their lives? Fair enough. Except that they set it up as if Grandfather isn’t going to let this go without a fight, and I really do not have the energy to figure out who this new girl is and whose backs she is stabbing. Meanwhile, Trip takes a moment out of the chaos to spend some time with one of his favorite constituents, Serena.

What? Just a newly elected congressman sharing martinis with an 18-year-old. Totally respectable. Get out the vote, indeed.