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Duh Aficionado Magazine: Adam Lambert Does Not Survive 2012

Adam Lambert, whoever that is, has a music video out now for a song from the 2012 soundtrack called “Time for Miracles.” Fair enough! Just because you have a song on the 2012 soundtrack doesn’t mean you’ll actually survive 2012. Each of us has a meteor and/or tidal wave and/or lava-filled chasm with our name on it, and your ASCAP royalty check isn’t going to stop that, grrrrl. But also this music video is hilarious because A) it features Adam Lambert singing his stupid, awful song while walking through an Apocalyptic nightmarescape. How romantic?! SING TO ME WHILE WE RUN IN TERROR, ADAM LAMBERT! And B) it suggests that Adam Lambert will actually survive 2012.

Uh, no. No, he won’t.

When the real 2012 comes (and frankly, it can’t get here soon enough!) I predict Adam Lambert gets through three, maybe four words of this song before the Earth swallows him whole. He’s like “It’s late at niigh–” and then an aircraft carrier rolls over his face, leaving a dark streak of eyeliner leading all the way to hell.

But maybe my favorite part of this whole disaster is a link that was featured in the YouTube description for the official music video that led to an official website that is part of the 2012 promotion called http://whowillsurvive2012.com/. Obviously I clicked on it because I want to know who Sony Pictures thinks (in Sony Pictures’ infinite wisdom) is going to survive the END OF THE WORLD, and apparently they are running a contest (the winner gets a trip to visit Mayan ruins, which is retarded) to determine who will be “the leader of the post-2012 world.” WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER LOL. So again, I followed the link, because again, I want to know who Sony Pictures thinks will lead humanity from the darkness, and these are the nominees that we can vote for:

Click to enlarge.

Seriously? These dorks? No offense, but these guys don’t even look like they could manage being the leader of their on-line multi-player X-Box game. A bunch of Leroy Jenkinses over here. If these guys are our only hope, I would like a first class ticket to the Earth’s core on the S.S. FALL DOWN A HOLE.