Hey, What’s Up With Topher Grace?

[In this feature, we will periodically check in to see what is up with Topher Grace.]

A couple of days ago, I finished reading the novel Deadwood, by Pete Dexter. Did you know that the HBO show Deadwood was based on a novel? It was! I only watched a couple of episodes, which is probably for the best, because Pete Dexter’s novel is one of the best books I’ve read in a really long time. It was, in a word, perfect. The pacing and the plotting were flawless. And the language! Oh, the language was such a treat to read! Every page contained some kind of verbal surprise, and his powers of description are daunting. Nothing could be improved upon. It is as if the book fell from the sky, and all of the villagers gathered around thinking it was a Coke bottle from God. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Deadwood, of course, describes the mildly horrific, pre-civilized world of the Old West. An unformed American landscape where the only thing harder than the men is the women. It’s a glimpse into a life that we can only imagine, surrounded as we are by our modern conveniences and our soft-bellied expectations.

For example, I have no idea how people even got their Topher Grace news back then. It was not easy like it is now, where you can find everything that’s been going on with Topher Grace this week just by following the jump.

This week, Parade Magazine, one of the world’s finest and also best magazines, offers readers a Clark Gable biopic poll, and the options include our MAIN DAWG, T-Boz-Grace. (I’m talking about Topher Grace. He is one of the nominees for a make-believe Clark Gable biopic that does not and is not going to exist.)

Admittedly, I’ve let my Parade Magazine subscription lapse by never ever having one, and so I don’t entirely understand what is going on here. It’s a question a reader sent in to the magazine, (someone simultaneously obsessed with Clark Gable AND Parade Magazine), which the magazine then answers, kind of, but doesn’t actually answer, even though the answer doesn’t matter because no one is working on a Clark Gable biopic?

Trying to determine how Parade Magazine (easily one of the Top 3 Magazines in the entire world!) comes up with its ridiculous content is not important right now. What IS important right now is helping our buddy! Topher’s slipping in the polls!

Only three percentage points ahead of Clive Owen? CLIVE FUCKING OWEN? What kind of world do we even live in where Topher Grace is only barely beating Clive Owen in a make-believe poll for a children’s garbage magazine about a movie that doesn’t exist?

Help Topher out, guys. Vote for him here. I voted two times, ACORN-style! Mega-ditto, Rush. (Thanks for the tip, Lauren.)

And, of course, That ’70s Show remains popular in syndication

And there you go. That is what is up with Topher Grace. See you next time!