Videogum

An Open Letter To January Jones

Dear January Jones,

PLEASE BE CAREFUL. There was a report in Variety this morning that you have been cast in an upcoming movie called Hungry Rabbit Jumps. Congratulations! If I had things my way, you would be cast in everything. You are good at acting and you are great at having a pretty face. They should print your face on pillowcases in hospitals so that sick people could hold the pillows and feel better. Is that weird? Let’s move on, January Jones.

You need to be careful because while we are happy that you are getting more work, your Hungry Rabbit Jumps co-star is Nicolas Cage, who makes almost exclusively horrible movies. And it’s directed by Roger Donaldson, who made Cocktail and Dante’s Peak. I’m not saying that this is going to be a bad movie. Who knows! I don’t know. I’m just saying PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

You’ve also signed up to star in another movie, called Unknown White Male.

This is also a thriller, with Liam Neeson. Based on the description, it seems very likely that at some point in the movie he will say “Get off my family!” This project is being directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, who made House of Wax, and There’s Something Wrong with Esther. Again, I’m not saying this is going to be a bad movie. Who’s saying that? I’m not saying that. There is no way to know whether or not this will be a bad movie. I’m just saying PLEASE BE CAREFUL, JANUARY JONES.

In a recent interview with GQ magazine you alluded to your ex-boyfriend, who it turns out was Ashton Kutcher? Ashton Kutcher. Do you see what I mean here, January Jones? About needing to BE CAREFUL? Look, there’s no controlling the human heart. It does what it wants. At one point your heart wanted to be in love with the human incarnation of a Von Dutch hat. That’s all in the past anyway. But you’ve got a good thing going here. Mad Men is great. Your face, as I said earlier, is one of the better faces these days. Just TAKE YOUR TIME when it comes to MAKING DECISIONS.

You can’t be contained in a Betty Draper box for the rest of your life, and no one wants that for you! It is time for you to spread your wings and fly, January Jones! Just PLEASE BE CAREFUL about flying directly into the sun. Or coming into bodily contact with Nicolas Cage. No one needs the name January Jones to be synonymous with Barfing So Much. That man’s head is where sick wigs go to die.

Sincerely,
Henry Francis