The Vampire Thing Needs To End Right Now

The above image (via [email protected]@k) is a vampire sex toy into which you are supposed to put your penis (I think? I have no idea, mom, I’m just kidding.) It is also the headstone on the grave of the vampire trend, because seriously, we need to put a proverbial wooden stake through that thing’s hypothetical heart and bury it outside of town. The Robert Pattinson sparkle-dildo was already going too far, but I guess the Twilight moms have to do something to keep themselves occupied. But this? What is this? The Twilight dads got jealous? Vampire pocket bjs. Ice cold dildos fashioned after teenage heartthrobs. Adults reading books for children. Photoshopped werewolves. Ugh, you know that’s next, right? A rubber-injected facsimile of Taylor Lautner’s 17-year-old mouth (sorry) that you can keep in the pocket of your PRISON JUMPER. A dog-scented dildo covered in fur. That’s where we are going.

2012 cannot get here soon enough. WASH ME TO HEAVEN, PROPHETIC TYPHOON!