[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]
This week’s Glee was all about Jew jokes, sticky facials, and terrible music. Mercedes doesn’t have a number, Schue raps twice, Sue is only in the second half, Ken and Emma’s engagement gets gross-depressing-er, and Rachel gets some hot tongue in the mouth from Puck. Not bad!!! The title of the episode was ‘Mash-up,’ which made me kind of anxious–Glee is best when it doesn’t pretend it knows what year it is; plus, they already covered mash-ups in the episode where Schue’s wife gets kids addicted to drugs on purpose. But, this time around, Glee was only SORT of talking about mash-ups musically, and mostly talking about mashing two people up, and it ending terribly.
The episode starts with something that becomes a major motif–Finn getting a Slurpee in the face.
The thrower, some football team meatball, explains that this is significant of the New World Order in the high school: football rules, and Glee Club is sticky-sweet and colorful. Or something. Finn’s never gotten a Slurpee thrown on him before, and he and Quinn get super-worried about their popularity slipping away.
Emma is engaged to the football coach Ken Tanaka–a chubby, lazy, usually-nice Asian man who made her feel like he was all she deserved. It was intense when they started dating because Emma is super in love with Schue, who is married with a fake baby on the way, and Ken used her guilt about that to pressure her into going out with him instead. But, then the intensity got kicked up a notch when he pressured her to get engaged to him. And, I’m not trying to make Emma sound innocent in all this. She isn’t. She is way too upfront about how much she’s settling for Ken, she won’t tell her family or friends about her engagement to him, and she’s insisting that they get married in private, where no one can see them, and that they never touch or have sex. So, basically, they’re soul-raping each other, over and over, and it’s weird. How many more weeks will this last?
Anyway, Emma and Ken can’t decide on a first-dance song to play at their wedding. She wants ‘I Could Have Danced All Night’ from My Fair Lady, and he wants ‘The Thong Song’ from MTV Spring Break Y2K. So, they ask Schue to make a mash-up of the songs, and give them dance lessons also. Normal.
Schue agrees, and then goes and sings ‘Bust a Move’ with his Glee Club. Also: normal.
Ugh, I know keep complaining about this, but I am super disgusted with Schue’s incessant rapping. It’s so embarrassing. I got myself all ready to be in love with Schue in this week’s episode, because 2 days ago I Google-imaged him, and found this:
WHICH. IS. A. VERY. GOOD. PICTURE. But, then, the fucking show starts, and I’m choking back the vom again! And there’s so much to vom about, you guys! I had to just let it fly eventually when I realized that Schue and I wear the same jeans (514’s, original wash (22″ waist 99″ inseam)). My therapist is going to hear about THIS.
So, Schue does ‘Bust a Move,’ which he says is his favorite song ever (are you sure it’s not ‘One Week’ by Bare Naked Ladies, because I’m actually POSITIVE that it is), and tells the kids that their assignment for the week is to come up with another song that mashes up with it.
Then it’s time for the Nightmare Bride to get her “dance lesson,” which consists of her standing corpse-still in an American Girl Doll wedding dress and Schue ‘Thong Song’-ing all over her.
Instead of wrapping one end of her veil around her throat, and tying the other end to a moving Jeep like most people would’ve, Nightmare Bride gets horny as fuck watching Schue dance around. Nightmare Groom sees it through the window, and he gets horny for revenge.
Finn gets bullied even more at football practice. The football team thinks he’s a homo for being in Glee, even though there was already an episode about that, and they all learned their lesson and did a big dance number to ‘Single Ladies’ and then won the game. This time, though, coach Tanaka (Nightmare Groom) is on team’s homophobic side, and he gives the boys who in Glee a couple days to make their choice–Glee or football.
Then Rachel starts singing ‘What a Girl Wants’ by Christina Aguilera into her hairbrush, and we see that Puck is hanging out in her bedroom with her while she does it. Normal-est. Puck explains, in voice over, why he’s there: Jew pussy.
You see, Puck is Jewish (‘Puck’ is his nickname, his real name is Noah Puckerman (the theme of his Bar Mitzvah was ‘Hey, Look: I Can Move One Of My Pecs At A Time You Guys’)); and one night, while he and his mom were at home eating Chinese takeout and watching Schindler’s List (what’s the ACLU’s number again?), his mom gave him shit for only fucking goyim. So, Puck decides to get it wet in Rachel–the hottest (read: tightest) Jew he knows.
So, after half an Xtina song, Puck and Rachel make the fuck out.
She is a wise Jewess, so she keeps her eyes open for most of it–my guess is he looks super good up close, from below. Just saying. Then because Rachel is intense and dorky, she asks Puck to sing a solo in Glee to prove that he’s man enough for her (he is man enough for her and all her camp friends, and she knows it).
Rachel’s poon inspires Puck to sing “Sweet Caroline,” with a random brass trio backing him up.
It’s very boring, but Rachel likes it, and Finn can tell, which makes him a little jealous. Best of all, though, Quinn loves it, and she is reminded why she barebacked Puck in the first place, and why she is keeping his muscular Jew baby inside of her, instead of aborting it.
Then, walking down the hallway, Quinn and Finn get Slurpee gang-banged by the entire football team.
Reminder: football rules, Glee Club is a refreshing treat full of fake-ass fruits.
FINALLY, halfway through the episode, Sue Sylvester makes her first appearance.
‘Bout fucking time, assholes. Sue has a weekly segment on the local news, where she talks in highly offensive terms about what it means to be a champion. It’s usually really funny, but this time it was mostly just a device to plop a romantic subplot on her empty, empty plate.
The smarmy anchorman likes the cut of Sue’s jib, so he asks her out on a date. She falls in love with him immediately, and when he asks her to be in a swing dance contest with him (Swing dancing is super popular right now, you guys–have you seen Swingers? You haven’t?! Oh, man, you should rent that tape right now, if it’s not already checked out. Just remember to rewind the tape before you return it, because you could get fined for that, and even though the economy is super good right now, every penny matters. Just ask a Jew.), she enlists the help of her nemesis, Schue, to teach her some moves.
Puck and Rachel go public with their sexlationship for a second, until Puck gets a Slurpee in the face.
He’s used to serving up sticky facials, not receiving them, so he decides to quit Glee and focus on football. Then he puts on a yarmulke and sits next to a bunch of urinals. Jews. He also kind of dumps Rachel, but she barely cares, because she is Jewish, and accustomed to adversity.
Schue goes wedding dress shopping with Nightmare Bride during their lunch break, and when she comes out in the ’90’s-est look since Ally McBeal donned her first skirt suit, he can’t control himself. His hair puffs way out, and his face contorts into his signature satisfied-rapist expression.
Then, they dance around the store while she sings her My Fair Lady song, and they both hold in their cum as best they can (they are both very good at holding in their cum).
After school, Puck and two random footballers choose to stick with Glee instead of going to football practice, but Finn is too much of a pussy to follow his pussy instincts, so he goes to practice instead of pussy-ing out at Glee with his pussy friends.
Sue catches her disgusting boyfriend making out with his slutty co-anchor, and she gets furious. Also: she’s wearing a maroon zoot suit when it happens.
Sue storms right back to school, and takes her hate-feelings out on Schue, for no reason, except for THE REASON, which is that he sucks. She threatens him in a pretty hilarious way:
“I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I well let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.” LOL. Just don’t punch him in the dick, you know he loves that shit.
Still not empty of hate yet, Sue walks right up to Quinn and kicks her off the cheerleading team for being pregnant. She also calls her “a disgrace,” which is HARSH. I kind of love Quinn, insofar as I’m going to print out a picture of her and bring it to my cosmetic surgeon as soon as I’ve saved up enough of my Jew Shekels, so that moment kind of sting’d.
Finn finally stuffs his jock and has a talk with Nightmare Groom about how much he wants to be in Glee and play football at the same time. Nightmare Groom knows that Schue’s got him beat in every facet of his pathetic life, so he relents, and tells Finn he can do both.
The Glee Club has a big reunion over Slurpees, and don’t sing. Uh huh. Then they all throw their Slurpees on Schue, who again, has to hold in his cum so hard.
Gotta say, Glee, I’m still with you, but don’t fuck this up. Figure out this Emma and Ken shit FAST, and give my girl Mercedes something to scream and dance about already. Also: knock it off with all the fucking rapsturbation–there are other ways to relate with young people these days. Namely: intercourse. K?