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Grey’s Anatomy S06E04: Foxy New Guy In, Cancer-Face Heigl Out

[Mary H.K. Choi is the founder and former Editor-in-Chief of Missbehave magazine and currently writes for TheAwl. She will be bringing her love of superhero comic books and action movies to bear on this season of Grey’s Anatomy, which is neither, admittedly, a superhero comic book nor an action movie.]

In this installment the Mercy West n00bs invade the hallowed halls of Seattle Grace and wreak havoc unto the good people we know and love, and others that we, with crossed fingers and clenched assholes, HOPE will get excised and replaced with new meat.

The baddies are in orange and Seattle Gracers in blue because they’ve run out of the blue scrubs and because there aren’t a TRILLION pairs of them in a hospital at any given time. We also need it to be Orange vs Blue because they MUST keep it binary on the HALO delineation-tip so we don’t really have to pay attention during this despicable-filler-until-Heigl-gets-shitcanned episode.

In the next scene Karev puts his fist in the brunette’s throat and pulls her spine out and it’s cool if it were only true.

Meredith is puffy and supine recovering from the liver transplant though we never once see Thatch who is somewhere in the hospital and chilling in some portal playing spades with Sloan who is also mysteriously missing.

Of the new residents, because strangely ZERO ATTENDINGS have merged along with them, not even a leading Cardio Thoracic surgeon despite Seattle Grace DESPERATELY needing one, we suss out that most of them suck the round ones. That is, OTHER than the ridic hot Jesse Williams whose career we’ve been following since Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. And that one sketchy chick with the big eyes from that nouveau noir flick Brick with Joseph Gordon-Levitt who is at least memorable.

The same cannot be said for crazy, Cro-Magnon over-pronounced brow dude and this one girl who looks like Elmer Fudd after Bugs gives him a too-hot face towel because I swear I couldn’t pick this lady out of a lineup of one.

Yeeeah, could be that girl. Who knows?

Then Callie’s dad Hector Elizondo shows up and she’s all extra perky eyebrows that he’s FINALLY accepted her latent homosexuality. Then we see he’s brought a priest and Callie has a characteristically Callie freak out where she SHOUTS that he “Can’t pray away the gay.” Oh, and then we learn that her full government is Calliope Effigenia Torez and we get it a little because damn, that name is an albatross.

Little Grey gets stuck with faceless girl who has a RED moleskine notebook like a POSEUR. She writes in constantly and their patient, a burglar, steals notebook girl’s notebook and give it to Little Grey and we discover that notebook girl is four flavors of retard because she writes self-affirmations in it and the news that seemingly has to be written down for posterity somewhere that she’s had plastic surgery. This is SO NOT Regina George’s Burn Book, Jessica Wakefield’s Slam Book, or Harriet the Spy’s notebook of astute but hurtful observations and chicky needs to get Darwined because what kind of tourist shit is this?

Karev is paired with distractingly big-eyed girl whose windows to the soul are not wide and fecund like an open field but a swirl of machination and plasticky shine. She’s clearly the Grand Dragon to those elfin but ruthless sylphs who can smile while blood dribbles down her dainty chins from where they bit you on unsuspecting flesh with 30 pointy, baby-triangle canines that you barely felt.

Pools of TROUBLE.

Cristina gets stuck with Jesse Williams who is beautiful and agile like a ninja-leaping jungle cat especially when tackling a hammer-wielding, psycho dad-patient guy who had wanted to bludgeon what he had stabbed on his best friend who in turn was stabbing dad-guy’s 19-year-old daughter with hot beef injection because they’re “in love.” Then we almost BARF because she rushes in and calls this 45+ year-old stabbed guy “baby.”

Then, in what is to me perhaps the most exciting part of the entire episode, Callie and her dad get into an ILL scripture fight and of course, dad gambits with the highly predictable Leviticus 18:22 and finishes with Genesis re: on Sodom & Gemorrah. SNORE. Anyone worth their pillar of wife salt KNOWS that Genesis is craycray and that Lot, who wanted the sex-crazed villagers to rape his virgin daughters instead of having big gay sex or ransacking the “strange flesh” netherbits of two angels that he’d invited over for dinner, is not a reliable man. Callie and father end up making up.

Somethingsomething mi hija HUGS.

Cristina loses wits pitted against the infallible swoonishly delicious Jesse, gets into a big glare fight with Dr. Ginger-carpet-matches-the-drapes guy, who I guess she’s still dating but we wouldn’t know about because it has been FOREVER since anyone fornicated anyone else on this show. She goes into Meredith’s room and starts bawling her face off about not getting to “hold hearts.”

Can hold hearts. Also, capture wombs.

Izzie’s stuck with dude with the head that could pulverize diamonds and is, of course, friendly to him. Then she gets burned because even though he’s way too ugly to be anything but the nicest guy ever, he’s playing her and calling her his surgery bitch. She finds out, gets upset, and almost kills a girl who is awaiting a kidney transplant by sucking out all her potassium.

Miranda gets wicked mad and promises renal failure girl that she’s going to fix this. We know by the commercials on our DVR that this means she’ll go hang out in Private Practice land with Addison and get her face licked by Taye Diggs, ergo she should stay there forever because shoot, who needs this bootleg-ass, two headed Mercy Grace monster mess when she can hang out drinking smoothies. Because this, and being late for stuff is all people in California ever do.

Izzie gets paged and gets FIRED and because there’s an HR lady in there with Chief, he says that her performance as evaluated by Dr. Hunt and Dr. Shepard is sub par and then he throws Alex under the bus saying that he had also approached him. HR lady gives him a stern teeth-sucking and Chief says no more for fear of lawsuits. Izzie then screams at Chief about when she cut Denny’s LVAD wire, which is guess is like when you shit your pants right as you die.

Izzie leaves Alex and the hospital by leaving him a note but sadly we have no closure because we know Heigl’s only on furlough.

Better days. A.k.a. about six hours earlier…

The new crew is LAME save Jesse and Sketchy Eyes because he is awesome and above any and all reproach and she is the moist, gross, pulsating egg sac of squirmy infant spiders that we can’t stop looking at. Everyone else we can pretty much leave and this COUNTS Seattle Grace people who are boring the second they’re not having completely misguided, masochistic, self-sabotaging sex with each other in on-call rooms.

Also, Chief needs a big metal gauntlet, a cat to stroke, and a swivel chair if he keeps this up because he is EVIL. Oh, and he’ll need a cape.

Meeheeheehee. Yes, my pretties, I am the winningest. *Thunderclap