Gossip Girl S03E05: Rufus And Lily Are No Jim And Pam. Also: Sonic Youth?

If there was one week to miss so far this season, it was last week. Hilary Duff? Tyra Banks? Come on. I mean, I know this show is a make-believe dystopian nightmare for children, but one celebrity guest at a time, please. My favorite part of the whole episode was when Lily finally came back (FINALLY) and Serena explained that she wasn’t going to Brown because that was the only way to keep her on the show this season she was going to get a job instead and figure out what she wanted to do with her life. And Lily is like “you should really go to college.” And Serena says “if getting a job is what it is going to take to prove to you that I am serious, then that is what I have to do.” Wait, huh? I mean, if your plan for the year is to get a job instead of going to college, then weren’t you going to get a job anyway? Now you are using the job that you just said you were getting as a bargaining chip for your mother’s approval? Do you guys like how I am pretending that Serena is a real person and not a terrible two-dimensional asshole? Anyway, what a silly episode. Let’s just put it behind us. Which we can do for the most part, since many of last week’s plotlines were neatly wrapped up. Serena was such a good publicist for 12 hours of that one day! Oh, although one on-going plotline is that Dan is still dating Hilary Duff (sure), but she’s conveniently away on a tour of Asia in support of her new movie, Je M’Appelle Clown, or whatever.

Here is Dan chatting with her on-line.

To be fair, dude didn’t know how to use Google two weeks ago, so it makes sense that this is how he chats with someone on-line. Also what is that little computer he is using? I mean, I know that it is product placement for the new Samsung X-Box, or whatever, but really? He is a college student. He is not going to have some middle-management business executive’s first class airplane cabin toy that helps him get work done on a long trans-continental flight without overloading his carry-on item. He is going to have a regular size computer. I will not budge on this. The show can play with the malleable reality of adult-child relationships and the flimsy upstairs-downstairs of soap opera class conflict, but they cannot toy with the simplistic laws governing student-computer purchasing trends.

Says Professor Business.


But also, Georgina won’t stop calling Dan! Vanessa is like maybe you should tell her that you’re seeing someone else. At what point is everyone going to realize that Vanessa’s advice is ALWAYS the WORST advice. Has she ever done anything that hasn’t resulted in a melt-down fiasco threatening everyone’s very concept of reality? She seriously wears a lot of pretentious Egyptian Queen shit for someone who’s so clueless about every single thing.

For some reason, Vanessa ends up being the one who tells Georgina that Dan is seeing Hilary Duff, and Georgina threatens to tell everyone that Scott is Rufus and Lily’s son if Vanessa doesn’t force Dan to break up with Hilary Duff. And Vanessa immediately agrees to this plan? Again with the Vanessa and the not knowing anything. Because that is some seriously weak blackmail is what that is. Scott IS Rufus and Lily’s son, and it’s not Vanessa’s job to guard that information? And Georgina thinks that Dan will hate Vanessa if he finds out that she knew and didn’t tell him, but a) Dan is too self-involved to hate anyone (“How could you keep this from me, I wrote a story for the New Blorker!”) and b) just no because no. Dan eventually catches Vanessa doing a Photoshop of Hilary Duff with Orlando Bloom, and that is when she is forced to admit the whole plot anyway.

Easy enough! Like, seriously, the end. Dan is not mad at her, they just make up a plan to get back at Georgina. I’m sure Vanessa filed this away in the Do Not Learn Anything For Next Time section of her brain.

MEANWHILE: Rufus and Lily aren’t talking because Lily blames Rufus for Serena not going to college. Hahah. Yes. That is how it works. You raise a child until they are of college age, and then, after their entire lifetime of terrible decision making due to a complete lack of parental boundaries or discipline, you blame the newest bad decision on the influence of your current boyfriend. Lily is basically the world’s best mom. We know that. But it also turns out she’s the world’s best, and most reasonable person. I am so glad that she is back! (No I am not!) Because she is not talking to Rufus, she is looking through all of her old wedding albums. Serena is like “oh, that was your dream wedding, with the flowers, and the fahgwah.” Fahgwah. LOL. This show is so fancy!

The kids all stage a Parent Trap coup to get Rufus and Lily to talk to each other at a midtown restaurant, and Lily and Rufus are like “smiles smiles smiles, our kids are so charming,” but then within five minutes they decide that they “aren’t ready to talk”? What does that even mean? You are living together and have made a thousand terribly irresponsible decisions in regards to the well-being of your children in order to satisfy your adolescent lust for each other (yuck, btw) only to find yourselves incapable of talking? Over lunch? Waiter, a round of bullet soup, please, for the lovebirds.

But then they decide that they are talking. Oh good. And not only that, they decide that since they are talking, maybe they should just get married tomorrow. PERFECT THINKING. So everyone works very hard to get the wedding together in less than 24 hours at the botanical gardens, and everything is going according to ridiculous, completely unrealistic plan, when OH NO, here is Georgina with Scott! They’re going to ruin everything by telling Rufus and Lily about their long-lost child! It does seem true that their flimsy, bullshit relationship probably couldn’t handle the news of the napkin rings being the wrong size, so this could be problematic, but my other favorite part of Georgina’s plan is how it depends on Scott being completely willing and ready to take part in it? Which he suddenly is with no explanation of why his motivations have changed at all?

So Scott walks up while Lily and Rufus are fighting (match made in heaven!) and is like “you guys are still getting married, though, right?” and Lily screams at him? Because she is an adult? And the first thing that an adult always does is scream at a teenager she doesn’t know? Especially an adult who is supposedly super classy and full of social grace? Yes. And Scott disappears. And Georgina spills all the beans. And now the wedding is canceled. But also Rufus and Lily go to find Scott in Chinatown before he gets on the Chinatown bus. For some reason, they wander all over Chinatown instead of just standing next to the bus waiting for him? They seriously make no sense. They should take some of their money and leisure time and take classes on Making Sense. Anyway, they do find Scott, but Scott is like “I would never have found you if I didn’t think you were in love and getting married.” Huh? What on Earth? But Rufus and Lily are like “we love each other that’s why we fight, you’ve probably never even heard of fighting since you’re just a tiny tiny baby, but now we hug you.” Good. They are a terrible family, so we can drop them all off a cliff. (WE’RE GONNA NEED A TALLER CLIFF!)

And then it is time for the actual wedding! It’s just like Jim and Pam’s wedding! The thing we have all been waiting for! Just kidding! But Sonic Youth is there? UHHHHHH. And not only is Sonic Youth there, but Kim Gordon is OFFICIATING!?!?!?!? Is there a suicide gun store on Starfield Road? Because I need to put a bull in my heather and end this.

I love how much no one cares about Sonic Youth. Look at Nate:

“I hate you, Sonic Youth.”

I also love that they claim “there are some songs that just make you want to dance.” Sure. But not that song. Not even close. That song makes me want to sit in my high school civics class and write Cure lyrics on my jeans. Oof, Sonic Youth. OOF.