Don’t All Run To Fandango Your Tooth Fairy Tickets At Once!

Tooth Fairy trailer, you guys:

I know that some things just aren’t made for me, like, I’m clearly not the intended audience. I know that, of course I know that. So it makes sense that, say, the Sex and the City movie tries to appeal to lonely middle-aged midwestern women who have abandoned their dreams and live in a fog of unattainable aspirational fantasies rather than grumpy 60-something male pop culture blog writers. I get it! But sometimes there are things that even though they don’t even attempt to appeal to me, still suggest an available and interested audience that I refuse to believe exists. Take, just for a totally random example that just happens to work conveniently for our purposes, this Tooth Fairy trailer. No one should want this. And if someone does want this, they should be buried in a pine coffin and forced to one-inch punch their way back to the living. Faced with that kind of terrifying mortal threat and test of one’s martial arts training, you definitely reorganize your priorities in life. Am I suggesting burying thousands of children alive unless they recognize that this movie looks like absolute garbage? Yes. Yes, I am. WHEN I WAS A KID WE GOT BURIED ALIVE UPHILL BOTH WAYS!