The Real Housewives Of Atlanta S02E09: Ladies, Start Your Faces!

This week’s episode opens with Kim shopping for children’s clothes, and treating the saleswoman like garbage. OH, KIM, WILL YOUR NIGHTMARE EXISTENCE ON THIS MORTAL PLANE NEVER CEASE? Will someone please carry her wig to the top of Mount Doom in the heart of Mordor and DESTROY IT? It’s one thing to drink a bottle of white wine for breakfast and belittle the foolish woman you pay to be your assistant, it’s a whole other thing to go to the local Baby Sluts and boss some poor saleswoman around because you “don’t have time” to shop. What are you so busy doing, Kim? Surely your daily FACE INJECTIONS can only take 20, 30 minutes tops. There is plenty of time to dress your child like a Thai prostitute. (White slavery starts in the home.)

Kandi is angry that Kim didn’t show up to her performance last week, and so she shows up at the children’s clothing store to throttle her.

You know how it is when you have a beef to settle with someone. You just go meet up with them in a children’s clothing store and you solve the problem like adults while one of you picks out zebra striped microskirts and mesh tops for a 7-year-old to wear. (Seriously, Kim, turn yourself in to the warden, for the benefit of those around you.) Kim explains that she couldn’t make it to the performance because Brielle was sick, which is obviously a lie, but since this whole thing was set up by the producers anyway (how could Kandi, a professional woman with talent actually care whether or not Shrek Zolciak attended her performance?), Kandi has nothing to do but to accept the apology, and provide her opinion of the “polka dot peace sign bikinis” that Kim is buying for her TINY CHILD.

Ugliest Woman on Earth? Y/Y?

Meanwhile, Nene is organizing an event to raise money and awareness for the victims of domestic violence. You know what, fair enough! Sure, there’s something kind of odd in the fact that the charity event involves a race in high heels…like the way that women…have to run…in high heels…to escape…abuse? But whatever. Charity is charity! These women bring a touch of silliness and poor planning to everything they do, but at least here they are applying their silliness and poor planning towards the greater good, rather than towards the greater botox. Although, Dwight seriously needs to CHILLAX.

We get it, Dwight. The circus left you behind, but you will never give up finding them again. The circus. Where you belong.

Sheree is super into it though. Because you know what they say: drag queen recognize drag queen.

Anyway, they raise money and awareness for victims of domestic violence, and that is, one must admit, a good thing. And the high heels race through the streets is certainly no more offensive or misguided than Kandi’s bizarro-world alter-ego photoshoot to raise awareness about drunk driving in which she played a drunk driver who killed herself while looking both FIERCE and FABULOUS.

Over at the Hartwells, Ed is struggling with is football injury, and I have to say: I feel a little bit touched by his storyline. Sure, he’s a professional football player with a beautiful wife who lives in a giant mansion. There are people in this world with far worse situations. But having an overwhelming passion for something that you’re also incredibly good at, but being physically incapable of doing that thing–even setting aside the fact that it’s how you afford to put food on your family–is sad! It is. Oh well, I hope he installed a “Sadness Room” in his multi-million-dollar mansion.

Lisa takes the serious and life-changing decision so seriously, she turned the volume down on her Bluetooth headset.

“Can you hold on for just a sec, Misty, my husband’s dreams just died.”

Speaking of his multi-million-dollar mansion: at one point, Lisa is talking to Kandi about how if Ed can’t return to football, they are going to have to make some changes, but she explains that it won’t be too hard because she’s never been a big spender. Kandi gives her a look that is like “girlfriend, please.” And Lisa is like “what? I’m not!” and Kandi is like “you have a bowling alley in your house, and the other day you were complaining about how you don’t have an elevator.” OH ZAP. Real talk.

Oh, and Sheree makes a lot of plans for her fashion show, but who cares. Fuck Sheree and her stupid fashion show. She’s the worst.