America’s Next Top Model S13E05: Menage À Barf

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and is one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of America’s Next Top Model.]

Fair warning: I have a crazy flu right now, so I am so high out of my mind on zinc that I’m not sure what’s what. [Ed. note: GET WELL SOON!] Buuuuut….

YO. For realsies? Was that really an episode? Are you for realsies going to try and actualsies tellsies me that that was a goddamn episode of Top Model? I took two notes during the entire thing:
1. snore
2. where did I park my Kevorkian machine?

Oh my laaaaaaaaaaawd that was boring. Holy shit. Ho. Ly. Sheeeeeiiiiiittt. Someone BETTER refill Tyra’s turkey jerky cabinet before next week, because I don’t know if I can sit through that kind of garbage again (I can DEFINITELY sit through that kind of garbage again). Mama needs her salt to think!

This episode was all about the body–kind of. Well, it was all about dancing–for half of it. Okay, it was all about being in groups of 3. That, at least, was consistent. This was the episode of working in a group of 3, which is a very important sex modeling skill.

Benny Ninja, from the House of Ninja, made his annual Top Model appearance this week. Benny is a famous Vogue-er, and always gets his skinny ass dragged in to teach the girls how to pose using their skeletons bodies, not just their smize. This time, Benny brought along Lil’ Mama, who in turn brought along The Jabawockeez, to teach the girls how to dance about their emotions.

With Lauren Conrad, that makes 3 MTV talent appearances in 5 episodes of Top Model so far. I wonder why they’re so cheap to rent out, and what a guy like me could get Gideon Yago to do (I know he doesn’t work there anymore, but still)?

The SHORT models got broken into groups of 3, and were told that they only had an hour to come up with a dance that portrayed 3 different emotions: happiness, sadness, and angriness. To up the ante, the girls had to perform their dances in front of an audience!!!! The audience turned out to be about 10 chunky rejects from Fame 2009, but still you guys, an audience!!!!

Ashley was all cocky because she is a dancer. She thought she definitely had this one in the bag. She thought she was a shoe-in, because of how much she dances and because she’s a dancer, and because she is definitely going to win this one because she dances and…

At stake was $17,000 worth of jewelry by Rhonda Faber Green–a famous jewelry designer whose website plays such annoying music that I was unable to learn much about her. From this still of the prize jewels, though, I can tell that Rhonda Faber Green <3's butterflies and her favorite song is 'I Hope You Dance' by Lee Ann Womack. Also: if she could be anyone, she'd be herself, m'kay, think it over:

Woof, cute danglies.

The dances were all pretty fucking ridiculous and terrible.

Benny Ninja seemed like he wanted to kill himself and everyone else in the room, and Lil Mama COULD NOT stop picking her nose (coke ain’t cheap).

Rae, Jennifer, and Kara won the challenge, and were showered in jewels. All the other SHORT bitches had to crawl home on their hands and knees (J/K, but they should’ve). Ashley could hardly believe that she lost, because she is such an amazing genius famous professional dancer.

Then the girls got woken up at 4:30 am by Mr. Jay. He ordered them to pack a bag, because they had to fly to Las Vegas for the their photoshoot! Yaaaaaaaaaay! Las Vegas!

Las Vegas has a lot of wonderful photoshoot opportunities, but none as relevant or beautiful as Cirque du Soleil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Jay is so excited about the shoot that he decides to redefine minstrelsy for a whole new generation of drag kings.

For the shoot, the girls had to pose in groups of 3, along with 3 acrobat/pole-dancers dressed as backward geisha frogs.

The challenge was to not get upstaged by the massive spandex-clad Europeans or by the skeletal SHORTSHORTSHORT Americans neither. Did the girls pull it off? Of fucking course not.

It’s super annoying on Top Model when they try and break from formula. Save your group challenges for Top Chef and your creativity for Project Runway. Top Model contestants are feathery, brainless skeletons who can’t be shaken or surprised, because they are too weak and spookable. They can’t speak, can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t nothing–just pose and OCCASIONALLY walk, but even that’s iffy and boring. Me want shopping challenges, and individual photoshoots, followed by a trip around the world and one good fight.

To the judge’s table this week, Tyra wore her finest Wednesday Addams Shomer Shabbas look–an outfit that repented for how excruciating she knew the week’s episode had been.

The guest judge was Josie Maran–a sexy swimsuit and fashion model who is only 5’6″!!!!!

Group 1 was Brittany, Rae and Jennifer.

They loved Brittany–Tyra said she looked like “The Bride of Frankenstein’s 2nd cousin, who’s a model.”

But, for me, the shot is all about Rae:


Group 2 was My Girl Laura, Ashley and Kara

Laura dominated the shot. She is gorgeous, and according to Josie Maran, she “looks like she’s climaxing.”

Really?! Is that how you climax, Josie Maran? Standing up with a serene expression on your mug?! Me–I’m all down on the ground, eyes bugging out, screaming at the top of my lungs, but then again I’m over 5’7″ so….

Ashley looked like a big dump truck in this shot, no?

And the judges told Kara that she needs to start trying harder, and be more confident.

I think Kara’s too confident, and needs to take a humility bath and then move away. She blowz.

Group 3 was Sundai, Bloody Eyeball, and Erin.

The judges were googoo for Sundai

(are you guys SERIOUS that you can’t Photoshop that waterski strap out of her hand??!!??!!)

They thought that Bloody Eyeball brought the whole photo down.

But there’s a fucking 99lbs Slovenian taint resting on her head! She’s trying her best to pretend it’s a very fancy hat, but please, people, give her some credit here.

In the end, Group 1 got Photo of the Week!

The bottom 2 were Kara and Ashley, and even though Kara is a lazy tranny with Tory Burch breath, Ashley gets the boot because she is an insufferable “dancer” who needs to shut up forever.

Bye Ashley!!!!!!!!!