[Mary H.K. Choi is the founder and former Editor-in-Chief of Missbehave magazine and currently writes for TheAwl. She will be bringing her love of superhero comic books and action movies to bear on this season of Grey’s Anatomy, which is neither, admittedly, a superhero comic book nor an action movie.]
With George particles only just drying in the little nubbins of space between the little nubbins of asphalt at the bus stop in front of Seattle Grace, this episode, entitled “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me” is not, as we’d hoped, the show’s turn at merging Seattle Grace not only with Mercy West but also a little place that you and I know as “heaven.” In a monumental lack of imagination, O’Malley does not get his Lovely Bones on and the episode’s exceedingly misleading title with its portent of awesome does not deliver. Seriously, we don’t even get a Rockwell Gordy cameo. Garbage.
But that’s to be expected. This installation is classic filler. A bread basket filled with bleached, refined nothings with nary a artisanal cracker or rosemary ciabatta slice among them. So much so that the slapdash bastards cobbling the thing together don’t even deign to show us the “previously on” reel. Because this episode floats in a reality plane that has nothing to do with the previous 2-hour, action-packed premiere where EVERYTHING happens and MAIN CHARACTERS either almost die, do die, or rut like deranged ocelots to prove they’re STILL ALIVE (*cue the Pearl Jam).
Last week ended with a boondoggle of a kerfuffle where Chief Webber announces that SGH would be glomming with their hospital nemesis Mercy West, and that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy. You know, because the one-eyed babysitter idiot box can’t just dance, monkey, dance, it has to reflect the real world as a really-real cesspool of poverty-stricken mania where staggering unemployment rates soar to the MILLIONS and we’re forced to maraud like Viggo in that Cormac movie and go apeshit anytime you find a tinned fruit JUST LIKE IN LIFE 2009.
The doctors are acting crazypants. It’s so not about the medicine, it’s about pulling multiple all-nighters, not frotting in on-call rooms and even Izzie can’t take to her cancer bed to rest up and returns to work early which is slightly psycho since she CODED just weeks ago. On the upside, she returns in good spirits sporting a kicky new wig that her mother sent her from the trailer park from whence she came. An interesting pendulum swing since Izzie doesn’t seem to be having trashbacks at the fact that she’s presently, upon becoming a SURGEON and surviving brain cancer, is living in a mobile home with her husband after tooth and nail clawing her way out of one. Because life is a laugh riot.
Webber is acting like a dick, holed up in his office and not honoring backdoor attempts at strategic alliances and not letting people know who’s safe and who’s to get shitcanned. Then Tom and his moms show up. Tom looks like Bat Boy Found in Cave, is a paranoid schizophrenic who is “bothered” by the number five, underground parking, most television shows and believes his mother Jodie to be impregnated by aliens. That’s when Jodie’s GARGANTUAN aorta tumor starts pulsating and you HOPE the episode will just go with it and it doesn’t thereby squandering the second opportunity to become paranormal and truly sophisticated.
Since the hospital can’t keep a cardio attending and is basically screwed in that department since Hahn stormed out, Cristina is making nice to cuter, more-savory-as-half-of-Callie’s-lesbian-couple, Arizona, in the far stabler pediatric department reasoning, PRESUMPTUOUSLY, that “no one likes a dead kid.” As you know, Cristina is not great with the youth and Arizona pins bear FLAIR on her lapel Cristina APPARENTLY does stuff during rounds to evince her discomfort around children but you basically have to be like a really expensive, super intuitive au pair or something to see that shit because what normal person enjoys talking to children?
Lexie babysits Tom while Jodie gets her tumor scanned. Despite Jodie’s growth being massive, she declares she can’t leave her son long enough to get cut because she is the only person in the universe up to the task of babysitting Tom which… hmmm… lemme see… OH GAWD… means Lexie’s screwed. Little Grey gets brutalized by the lout who cannily deduces that she is in cahoots with the alien forces because she is without nametag and he pushes her and tears out. This immediately makes Lexie fear for her job security because this is the correct reflexive response to physical assaults.
Tom falls down the stairs and ruptures his spleen. They do an ultrasound and Lexie checks up on him because she’s Lexie like that and Tom is quietly having an episode because he’s convinced that during the ultrasound they installed a camera in him. Lexie shows him the films and shows him there’s no camera which shocks me because any schizo worth a tuppence should know that the ultrasound IS OBVI THE CAMERA-EYE VIEW. But this, sadly, is not that episode and the ultrasound reveals a bleed that makes it possible for Tom and mommy to have surgery together zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Then–and this is kinda the only exciting part in that it’s just gross–this one baby is MESSED UP because apparently if you tug on a baby’s arm it can just COME APART IN YOUR HAND and this lesson is illustrated by this horrorshow Anne Geddes moment where the baby’s all new and cute and serene except it is Laura Palmer blue and has tiny spaghetti nerves and string bits falling out of its gaping armpit hole which is somehow rendered EVEN CREEPIER by the baby’s determined little baby fist. And the person who broke the baby is this nuts-looking Asian chick with aggro eyebrows who you just know is MAD SALTY that the only other Asian female in the place is a superstar who despite not being good with the kids is at least not running around maiming them. But they fix the kid.
Izzie’s scrubbing in on a 5-hour cranioplasty and Alex yells at her for not taking her meds, feeds her her meds and a banana. She’s sweating like crazy so McDreamy’s about to make her leave his OR but she gets all Kim Cattrall but instead of tossing the shit asunder makes nurses peel the steaming, sodden piece off which is a gnarly job that you certainly didn’t go to school for. But of course, it’s Izzie, so without her wig she looks insanely gamine and cute with these precious moments eyes and peach fuzz that isn’t brittle and weird but all Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby-ish not Mia Farrow circa defeated by life, incesto-philandering, and self-inflicted famine. Basically just adorable, especially with dramatic mascara and a pale lip.
Then Webber tells Shepherd that the people who are fired will be notified by e-mail by HR because he’s cold blooded. The pregnant intern whose storyline we’re relieved to hear will be abruptly snuffed because, really, where was that going? is fired. So is nurse Olivia who I guess will be proverbially buried with George like he’s freaking Tutenkhamun or something since all of her storylines had to do with him. Olivia, as you’ll remember, was not only the first person George shagged to get over Meredith but also gave him Karev’s syphilis when once upon a time time Alex was patient zero for every venereal disease in that place because this was before Sloan existed and PEOPLE HAD SOME SEX ON THIS DAMN SHOW.
Then, and only then, 58 minutes into it all, does someone mention George and that he’s dead which in this barmy episode where ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL HAPPENS is the cue for everyone to begrudgingly play baseball. I wish I was kidding.