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You Can Make It Up: Roman Polanski Builds A Time Machine

Roman Polanski paced his Swiss jail cell, where he had been placed on decades old warrants related to the 1977 charges of raping and drugging a 13-year-old girl. For weeks he had carefully dug a hole into the soft clay wall of his cell, dropping the loose pieces through a hole in his pocket in the exercise yard, covering his progress with a Rita Hayworth poster the warden had been kind enough to provide him with. Finally, when the hole was deep enough, he used it to store the various bits and pieces he would need to complete his time machine, collected from the cafeteria, the laundry room, and the metal works. Now, there was only one piece missing, and he knew exactly what it was (a tiny twist of copper wire), and which he planned to extract from a shortwave radio in the kitchens that the guards let the assigned prisoners listen to music on while they cooked for their fellow inmates. Then, at midnight, he would install this wire as a connector between the important parts and he would be ready for his first voyage THROUGH TIME.

He got it! The piece of wire! The guards didn’t see him get it. There was not even a problem with the sloppy joes at lunch at all. And now it is midnight!

Roman Polanski threaded the essential piece of copper wire from the kitchen radio where it needed to go in the time machine and he pressed a switch that said “On.” The machine hummed to life, and its plutonium core glowed blue. He connected the connectors to his prison bed (eventually, when the options to this story were sold to Hollywood by the Estate of Roman Polanski, the movie was entitled Prison Bed Time Machine. It opened to mixed reviews), set the dials, and laid down.

“Forget it, Roman,” Roman Polanski said, “it’s Time Travel Town.”

There was a flash of electricity and the prison bed shook and then it looked like, you know how in those movies it’s like you’re traveling through a tunnel of light? They do it in movies about space and also the future, or whenever there is some kind of strange invention. You know what I’m talking about? Well that’s how it looked to Roman Polanski. He shut his eyes because he was getting dizzy from all this time travel!

When he opened them he was in Munich. He hid the Time Machine (which was also a prison bed) in a piano player’s apartment in Warsaw, and headed straight for the Nazi headquarters where he promptly KILLED HITLER.

Roman Polanski spent the next 24 hours (although time is relative and when you are traveling through time it is VERY relative, and also hard to keep track of, but let’s say it was basically 24 hours) going to various points in history and correcting the treacherous wrongs of humanity. He traveled to 1831 and prevented the Trail of Tears, and while he was there, he abolished slavery, thereby preventing the American Civil War. He traveled to 1994 Rwanda and convinced the Hutu never to take up arms against the Tutsi. Spanish Inquisition: more like Spanish Inquistayathomeandrelaxition. Again and again, Roman Polanski eased the suffering of millions of his fellow men, and created a harmonious world of peace and understanding. When he returned to 2009 there would be no record or memory of 9/11, the 100 Years War, or the Battle of Thermopylae. Deaths from natural disasters were also avoided through time, with Roman Polanski’s efficient and knowledgeable evacuation plans. Only buildings burned in the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. On Jan. 23, 1556, more than 830,000 lives were saved from an 8+ earthquake in Shansi China. And Petra Nemcova never had to take a break from modeling to recover from the trauma of the 2004 Tsunami in Indonesia, because no one was even in Indonesia when it happened. Roman Polanski made sure of that (somehow. 2004 was not that long ago and people would have known who he was. But he was very persuasive!).

Roman Polanski, tired from his frantic work traveling through time and around the globe to right the wrongs of the past, returned to Switzerland, 2009, and presented himself to the healthy and peace-loving peoples of his changed world. “People of Earth,” he declared, from the top of a mountain or some shit, “I have saved millions of lives and taught humankind to embrace and encourage its better instincts.” The people cheered, for it was true that in the past 24 hours, using his trusty Time Machine, that Roman Polanski had done many great things for human beings. And they knew, also, that he had made very many good films. Rosemary’s Baby, in particular, they liked.

“And now,” Roman Polanski said, “I assume that this more than makes up for the fact that I gave a 13-year-old girl quaaludes and then sodomized her, not necessarily in that order!”

“Uh, not really, actually!” said pretty much everyone except a few fucking assholes in Hollywood. “Thank you for saving all those people and stuff, but it’s still really fucked up that you gave a 13-year-old girl quaaludes and then sodomized her, regardless of the order.”

And then they took Roman Polanski back to jail because COME ON!