America’s Next Top Model S13E04: Tyra Snaps Short Bitches

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate, and he currently has a tremendous one-man show at the UCB called No Answers. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of America’s Next Top Model.]

Episode 4 of ‘Le Cycle 13 Collection’ was all about the face, which meant very few reminders that the models this year are SHORTSHORTSHORTSHORT. The SHORT girls got some quick pointers from makeup artist Sam Fine, who taught them how to give themselves one black eye, so that clients will be so afraid of their what their made-up boyfriends will do that they have to hire them.

I…fell down the stairs…and then a…pigeon…flew into my eye…and then…

After lesson-time, it was challenge-time, which is the best time of day to pop in to L.A.’s #1 luxury clothing and beauty boutique, WAL-MART, to chat with celebrities like Nigel Barker and his wife Crissy. Nigel and Crissy always go to WAL-MART at night, to see what new cucumber-shaped self-heating items have hit the racks.

Our collection is big, but it is NOT BIG ENOUGH.

The girls’ challenge is to race through Wal-Mart, putting together a “model perfect” look for go-sees. The look must include CoverGirl’s Lash Blast Length Mascara, which Crissy Barker is proud (and definitely NOT under legal duress) to say contains a patented Elasta-Nylon formula which adds length and strength to your lashes. The product placement on Top Model is seamless, respectable, and highly informative; I’m writing this from a bathtub full of CoverGirl’s Lash Blast Length Mascara, and I can tell you–the weird stray hairs on my back and shoulders appear 80% longer, with absolutely no clumping.

The race through Wal-Mart turned out to be the perfect chance for the girls to show their true nasty-bitch colors. Erin took the cake, with her elbow-throwing, throat-scratching, taint-kneeing aggression, which some weak kindergarten babies were too delicate to appreciate. Here is Erin waterskiing off of Sundai’s arm, because Erin is no fool, and she knows that if she uses her own legs for too long in the race, her 16 daily calories will be spent and she will die:


Ashley, Bianca and Sundai had a big problem with Erin’s behavior, but she didn’t care. According to Erin (line of the week): “Races have no manners.”

That was a crazy thing for Erin to say about people of color.

Even though Erin’s high-fashion smackdown was authentic as all Hell, Sundai won the challenge, because her cheeks are cute, or some shit. Her prize? A photo on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The next day, the girls have to model in front of Tyra, because she is not only their abusive hate-Mommy, but also the photographer!

Sing into this shell, and then eat this apple, and then…

Tyra tells all the SHORT bitches that they need to produce a beauty shot, face only, with Pucci for Hermes for Wet Seal chemo scarves wrapped around their heads–like the one hate-Mommy wears, when she’s going to bed.

TYTYBABY42069: miss jay u there grrrrrrrrrrl?
RUNWAYBTTM (Auto Response): uranus or mine?
TYTYBABY42069: yo my Lean Pockets is burnt! How’m’i gonna get my turkey cheddar dreamz on?! Sheeeeiiit.

The shoot let Tyra do what she does best–act like she’s being helpful, but instead be an insulting and ruthlessly dumb asshole. Like when she draped cloth OVER Brittany’s face, and then told her it was her best shoot to date, or when she called Kara out for not trying hard enough, and “relying on her D.N.A.”

Jennifer got super horny during her shoot, and started pulling her own hair and screaming.

Ty-Ty lived for it, because it reminded her of her own favorite sex move, which involves tying her wig to a ceiling fan, standing on a trap door, then inviting Warner Brothers executives over to pull on her ‘lever.’

Erin had a great shoot, but her inner meanness came through on film. According to Tyra: “Erin knows how to model–she knows what to do with her face, what to do with her neck, what to do with her body, but she does not know what to do with her personality.” Tyra would know.

But even hate-Mommy herself could not resist orgasming over this stunning red-wine-diarrhea-oopsy moment:

Chemo makes me have very chic accidents

Regarding Bianca’s hideous face performance, Tyra was all Professor Linguist PhD: “Bianca is the verb, and not the noun, meaning she can model, but she is not a model.” Wait, that was actually pretty coherent and deep, but then again, of course it was, because Tyra graduated Gimme Summa Cumma from Quizno’s University, where she majored in Ranch Dipping Sauce, and minored in The Philosophy of Language.

Tyra and Mr. Jay decide that they are the Queens of Powerfulness, so they go ahead and pick Photo of the Week right there on the spot, instead of letting any other judge-bitches say their piece. They chose Brittany’s photo:

March of Dimes Ready to Wear Spring 2012

Brittany gets immunity, and then gets to have a very special extra photoshoot for Tyra’s website (it’s not up there yet), with two male model who Tyra discovered (discovered = kidnapped, castrated, and taught to deepthroat stilettos).

Papi on the right better learn how to work those smoky smize FAST or hate-Mommy’s gonna dump his ass back on La Cienega…

After the extra photoshoot, it’s judging time, and this week’s guest judge is SHORT supermodel China Chow (General Tso was bizzy). She’s only 5’3″, but she can do this:

AAAAAAAAAAND fuck Steve Coogan?! Per. Fect.

The judges skip Brittany, pretty much, because she’s already had her share of attention for the week. They love Erin’s photo, which is very X-Files Chic:

But they call her out on her bad personality yet again. Stop doing that! In order to be a model, you have to be the gnarliest, skinniest, angriest, phone-throwing-est, most self-centered and vicious woman in the room. Clearly, Erin has already won this damn game show, and the proof is in her excellent model-being-skills off-camera. Erin is the undefeated champ of giving other girls the stink-eye when they are doing well for themselves, and that, my friends, is fashion skill numero uno:

A proper snarl uses all 4 lips

My girl Laura finally had the good sense to show up to judging wearing one of her fashion-forward and hopelessly beautiful outfits that her grandma made her:

This is look is straight-up Katy Perry cum Marc by Marc Jacobs, a resort romper that sets the standard for adorable-ness and sophistication. The judges wanted to hate on her, but they couldn’t, because girl looks perfect. Oh, and what’s Laura’s couturier granny’s name? Fucking WANDA SUE, no doy, what else would it be–Janet?! You know Leighton Meester’s on the phone with Wanda Sue RIGHT NOW screaming “sew, bitch, sew”–these looks will revolutionize the red carpet from now until Bjork shows up.

Rae, who started off on top, then slipped a bit, was definitely back this week, with an icy shot that sent shivers through China Chow’s shame cave:

Sundai’s shot was very popular with the judges, but I think it’s a bore (read: “totally professional”):

For me, Bloody Eyeball was the major standout, and she clearly agreed, because she took time to congratulate herself with her right hand:

I know I’ve got a quarter in here somewhere…

Plus, she deserves extra bonus points for proper grooming–look at her elegant and manicured man-side-burns. CHIC:

Quick note to Chilli from TLC’s agents: amazing job purging the photos of your girls’ sideburns from the internet. It was a huge challenge to find this one, which hardly even tells half the story:

Miss Jay loses her shit over Jennifer’s photo, screaming “OOOOOOH, BABY, THAT FACE IS SNATCHED! YOU GOT WIND IN YOUR HAIR, WIND IN YOUR FACE, WIND TUNNEL….”:

Forget the eye, NICE ASS

In the end, Bianca and Ashley are in the bottom 2, because they both suck. Tyra chews Ashley out because during the shoot they had to change her chemo scarf 3 times before they realized it wasn’t the scarf’s fault that she is the worst. Tyra also said that Ashley doesn’t love the camera back, and so she should go to couple’s counseling. Kind of genius.

Bianca gets chewed out for being very bad at modeling; and, in the end, she FINALLY gets the boot, which has been a long time coming (not that long, it’s only been 4 weeks).

I can’t say I’m going to miss Bianca, but I’m happy for her, because now she can go back to being who she really is, without people judging her for it–a sad, busted trans-dork, with a banging body and a don’t-you-dare-bang-me-face/attitude: