Look, Flavor Flav on TV is like eye sausage. (Eye candy is for baby eyes.) It’s satisfying and bad for you, and you do NOT want to know where it comes from. “Well, first we take this drug-riddled, borderline-retarded casing, and we stuff it with ground up racial stereotypes.” STOP! Just put the sausage in my eyes! (That is what she said, because she is so confused about how “it” works.) But as great as the Flavor Flav eye sausage (it really is a gross metaphor and it makes me barf every time that I type it) has been so far, the latest Flavor Flav eye sausage (shudder) might be a sausage too far. From the Hollywood Reporter:
The original basic-cable ladies man is teaming with producer Eric Ortner to shop a new series to networks in which he returns to high school to receive his diploma.
Yiiiiiiiikes. No, sure, yes. There’s absolutely no way that this could possibly be anything other than uplifting and positive, I’m sure.
Teacher: I’m sorry, Flavor Flav, but you got an F.
Flavor Flav: Why you sorry? F is my favorite letter because it is in my name twice! FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAV!
Teacher: OK, well you got a Fail. Is Fail in your name?
Flavor Flav: HAaaaaAAAAAAAAAA
I’m pretty sure producer Eric Ortner recently changed his name from Michael Bluth, because he’s made a terrible mistake. This is the best part, though:
“I just want to show the world it’s never too late to get your diploma, and show kids they should stay in school and not wait until you’re old to get it,” Flav said. “Everybody sees me as this big love mogul. Now I got a baby girl, I’ve been there and done that and now it’s time for the next episode.”
Um, no offense Flavor Flav, but it’s not that you’re too old to get your diploma, it’s that you’re too having ruined your brain years ago on all of that crack addiction. Seriously, you’re a mess at any age. And no one sees you as a “big love mogul” because WHAT IS A BIG LOVE MOGUL?
Oh this is going to be a mess. Someone call Lakeview Terrace and see if they know the number for Race Jail. We are all going away for a long time.