What Should Jessica Alba’s Awkward Meet The Fockers Name Be?

Jessica Alba is in discussions to join the third installment in the Meet the Parents series. Now, the most important thing, of course, is that there is going to be A THIRD INSTALLMENT IN THE MEET THE PARENTS SERIES. Thank goodness. Basically the best series of films of all time*, and they should keep making them forever because they’re important and we need them. But it’s great that one of the most intelligent actresses of all time is joining the ensemble. From the Hollywood Reporter:

[Jessica Alba] is in negotiations to join the Ben Stiller-Robert DeNiro comedy “Little Fockers.” She’d play the role of an attractive pharmaceutical rep whose looks wreak havoc on male characters in the story.

The picture is expect to pick up where 2004’s Meet the Fockers left off, with Stiller’s Gaylord Focker and Teri Polo’s Pamela Byrnes having a child (or children — reports abound that they could be having twins).

Reports abound! But while pretty much everyone has been talking about how many make believe babies are in the make believe womb of a make believe character, the more important issue appears to have gotten very little attention: what will Jessica Alba’s awkward, double-entendre laden last name be?

  • Ashley Hole
  • Megan Widekunt (“It’s pronounced widdekoont. This movie is terrible.”)
  • Julie Loves Bigcock (“Loves is my mother’s name, and my father is 1/8 Cherokee. This movie is terrible.”)
  • Sarah Diarrheastein
  • Eleanor Blowdudesevelt
  • Kate AIDS

I’m sure it will be one of those.

*One time I was waiting in a line behind two NYU students who did not know each other but had struck up a friendly, semi-flirtatious conversation. The girl kept asking the guy about recent movies. “Have you seen Requiem for a Dream?” she asked. The guy shook his head, “no.” “Oh,” she said, “it’s really powerful. Super intense. Have you seen Dancer in the Dark?” Again, the guy said no. “Bjork is amazing in it, and Lars Von Trier is probably one of the most interesting directors working today.” There was a long pause, and finally the guy said, “Have you seen Meet the Parents?” The girl, clearly disappointed and turned off, said that she had not. “OH MAN!” the guy said, “it’s so funny. So, like, Ben Stiller goes to like meet the parents, and imagine the worst that things could possibly get in that situation. OK? Imagine, like the worst case scenario? Yeah, well, it gets so much worse than that.”


Don’t get me wrong, Ms. Anthology Film Archives wasn’t any better than Mr. Meet the Parents. They were both ridiculous. It’s just a funny story for you. ONLY IN NEW YORK, PROBABLY.