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Who Should Replace Jon Gosselin?

Today’s big reality TV news is that when the new season of Jon & Kate Plus 8 begins this November*, it will just be called Kate Plus 8! OMG, or whatever. From People:

In a stunning announcement, TLC said Tuesday morning that as of Nov. 2 Jon Gosselin would no longer appear on the popular reality series Jon & Kate Plus 8. The program would undergo a name change, to simply Kate Plus 8

“Given Jon’s recent antics, there was no way the show could continue to portray him as a doting Dad, not while all this other crap was going on,” a source close to the show tells PEOPLE.

Sure. I mean, that’s obviously true. Dude is clearly more doting on Christian Audigier than he is in doting on his kids. But it’s not like Kate is some great paragon of motherhood, said the cover of Duh Aficionado magazine. I mean, why not cancel the show entirely because it’s terrible, put both of the parents in jail, and send the kids off to foster care where their lives will be slightly less ruined?

But in the meantime, let’s figure out who is going to be the new Jon Gosselin. Because as the Greatest President of All Time, George W. Bush, used to say, “children should be raised by one self-obsessed man and one nightmarishly narcissistic woman.”

John Cho

He’s probably hitting the nail too on the head, if you know what I mean. But you have to admit that it would be an easier transition on the children. You have to admit that because you’re racist and that’s what you think. Jon Gosselin and John Cho are completely different people! The transition would be just as hard as if it were anybody else!

Parade King Val Kilmer

If he’s good enough to lead the 2009 Bacchus Parade in New Orleans, he is surely good enough to help Kate Gosselin half-heartedly take time out of her busy self-promotional schedule to raise her children. Besides, he is certainly not doing anything else.

Famed Character Actor, James Cromwell

He can play any role!

Elle Fanning

It’s 2009, and we need to be more open-minded. Although I suppose that this suggestion renders my pre-jump George W. Bush joke illogical. Oh well, it was totally worth it. It’s funny to imagine Kate Gosselin married to Elle Fanning. It is not funny, however, to imagine Kate Gosselin married to Dakota Fanning. Yuck.

Alfonso Ribeiro

Perhaps Alfonso Ribeiro, best known as Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, would be a nice replacement for Jon Gosselin. The only way to find out for sure is to cast him on this show. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

I’m sure I have covered all of the ridiculous and non-sensical suggestions for a casting decision that isn’t even real. There couldn’t possibly be any others for you to leave in the comments. Sorry.

*Also, how many new seasons of this show premiere every year? It seems like there have been three “new season premieres” since the spring! I don’t get it. And it’s weird that I’m not more familiar with how shows on TLC, my favorite network, are scheduled.