Gossip Girl: Children Take Their Scotch Neat, You Know That

Blair, who uses gloves to turn dormitory door knobs (of course she does), walks in on Dan and Georgina up in each other’s gutz. CAUGHT! Dan is like “I was just in here to get a book called Our Bodies Ourselves, but suddenly all of the buttons on my shirt broke and I fell face first on top of her body. You know how it is.” Blair tells Dan that going from Serena to Georgina is a long fall, even for Dan Humphrey. EVEN FOR DAN HUMPHREY. But Georgina tells him not to worry about Blair because she thinks that Vanessa, Serena, Jenny, and Rufus will all be supportive. Huh? Why will they be supportive? That statement seems based on basically zero facts. But sure. And besides, college freshmen often have somewhat skewed ideas about the way the world works. Anyway, that is when Dan is caught in the hallway by Serena, the Queen of Being Supportive Constantly. She asks if he is on a walk of shame, and he tries to lie about having just visited Vanessa with his shirt unbottoned and no shoes on and probably Georgina juice all over his face (gross, sorry, but kids in New York GROW UP SO FAST) but Vanessa pops her head out of her room and is like “I thought I heard your guys’s voices,” because apparently Vanessa sits in her room in absolute silence listening like a hawk to the things that happen in the hallway outside. Waiting. Patiently. To strike. So Serena and Vanessa agree to tease Dan endlessly, but they also agree to support him in his…well, his fucking of Georgina. I mean, they’re not really dating, and Dan lies about it to everyone. So the only thing to support is their sex.

“Yay, Dan, we are so proud of you.” — Dan’s friends and family.

And then Serena and Dan go for a walk for some reason.

Whoops, nevermind, Dan, now Serena is walking with Carter Baizen.

Normal walk stuff. That happens constantly on walks, probably. Just an average amount of time between two completely separate social interactions. Anyway, Serena is like “Carter Baizen, I love you,” and Carter Baizen is like, “Serena, I am getting interrupted by a girl who claims to have slept with me very recently,” and the girl is like, “You’re the Carter Baizen who likes his scotch with one ice cube in it and is known for liking to have had sex with me very recently,” and Serena is like “jealous jealous jealous, you haven’t changed” and Carter is like “Serena, you know that I take my scotch neat.” I think we all know how Carter Baizen takes his scotch. Because this is a show about children, by children, for children.

Serena just needs some time!

Meanwhile, Blair is sexually frustrated! Her and Chuck haven’t had sex in five days. All of the 12-year-olds who watch this show are like, “oh my God, I would kill myself if that ever happened to me.” But the one thing that brightens Blair’s spirits is a really clumsily hand-written invitation to La Table Elitaire, a supposed secret society, which Blair insists on name-dropping for the rest of the episode.

You know how secret societies are. Always sending out really poorly hand-written invitations on dollar store stationery with absolutely no information on them whatsoever.

So Blair is excited to join this secret society despite the fact that it will turn out not to exist, duh, which is weird that Blair takes it at absolute face value despite being a supposed doyenne of New York social life. But in any case, in order to be admitted to the society, she needs to buy a dumb photo from the Sotheby’s auction that everyone is going to tonight (obviously, why wouldn’t everyone, including teenagers in their very first week of college, go to a Sotheby’s auction?). But UH OH. Chuck Bass needs to buy that same photograph in order to secure a business deal with a New York nightlife business legend. Huh? I mean, I didn’t go to business school, but when the sassy office assistant tells him that the best way to secure a business deal is to recognize the other businessman’s past, that is already kind of odd. Like what on Earth does that mean? And when Chuck takes it to mean that he should buy an old photograph at auction and present it to the businessman at their rescheduled meeting, I feel almost as bewildered and confused as I am when people start talking about credit derivative swaps. No wonder I’m not a millionaire entrepreneur! I have never bought anyone anything of personal value at Sotheby’s in order to close a deal! (Obviously, I have bought people tons of stuff with no personal value whatsoever, for no reason at all. We’ve all done that.)

Well, you can imagine that between the lack of sex recently (HEAVEN FORFEND!) and this latest competition of wills and desires, things get pretty tense between Chuck and Blair. They’ll probably break up!

Meanwhile, Taylor Lautner, Rufus and Lily’s illegitimate forgotten son, is jamming with Rufus.

No Lily, No Cry!

Kind of. He strums, like, half of a chord. Rufus is like “you’ve gotten so good so quickly, you’re basically a natural whose biological father is probably a highly talented musician in his own right.” Sure. I mean, I understand how narrative conventions work, and the minimum amount of detail you need to provide in order to effectively move the characters forward. Fair enough. Based on the lazy half-chord strummed before breaking back into expository dialog, I’m sure he’s so good at guitar. Anyway, Taylor Lautner is just about to tell Rufus EVERYTHING, but in comes Jenny and that little boy, and Taylor Lautner gets nervous and leaves. He and Rufus give each other a fist-bump. Aw!

Typical Vanessa Face, or V-Face

But Vanessa has been doing some digging into her boyfriend at the registrar’s office (naturally), and discovers that Scott is not who he says he is. She confronts him, and he tells her everything! She is like “you have to tell them the truth, also your parents told Rufus and Lily that you were dead. I know all this because this is the kind of information that adults who are not even your parents share with you all the time when you are just a friend of their emotionally immature teenage children.” And he is like “I have to take a bus back to Boston first. It has been 20 years, what is two days more.” Well, I guess that is true, kind of. A phone call might be easier. (It will turn out that a phone call is easier, when instead of going all the way home, Taylor Lautner makes a phone call.)

But now Dan has found out that something weird is going on with Taylor Lautner. He is not sure what, so he asks Georgina to help him Google it.

It is unusual for college freshmen to have any grasp of how to use Google on their own, so this part just makes sense. Anyway, they find out that Taylor Lautner is not who he says he is. He’s not even in Twilight: New Moon! Dan is like “everyone should know that this is the same guy who wrote me a fan letter when I published a story in the New Yorker, so he might be dangerous, because I published a story in the New Yorker. The New Yorker. Story. Me. New Yorker. Danger.” We get it, Dan. You’re awful.

THE SOTHEBY’S AUCTION! IT’S FINALLY HERE! Naturally, the paparazzi are all out front.

Thus concludes the Nate Archibald portion of the episode.

So Blair and Chuck have a bidding war for this magical photo that will solve all their problems. But as they are arguing, someone else has won the auction from beneath their feet. Who is it? It is Serena. She did it in order to confront them for what they did to Carter Baizen, which she discovered…somehow? Did I miss the scene in which she discovered this? And, to be fair, she could have confronted them without spending 10,000 dollars on an auction item, or whatever, but sometimes when you are 18 years old you just need to make a point to your friends. Anyway, Chuck and Blair are like “we did it because this episode needed a 1,000,000th confusing plotline.” Fair enough. And that is when Serena realizes that Blair’s secret society, La Table Elitaire, is just another plot by Georgina with her trademark oversized child-scrawl G’s! Serena gives Blair the photo and leaves to confront Georgina. So Blair gives the photo to Chuck, because she loves him. And Chuck takes the photo to the businessman’s office, where he has realized that the sassy office assistant was working with Georgina to pit him and Blair against each other. Chuck is not happy about that, you can be sure!

So Dan breaks up with Georgina because she hasn’t changed at all. And Georgina erases him from her MacBook Air desktop wallpaper image.

And Taylor Lautner decides not to go through with telling Rufus the truth, and instead says that he is the brother of Rufus’s dead son. Vanessa is like “you have to tell them one day.” Uh, no he doesn’t. And then she says “promise me you will tell them one day.” What? Who the fuck does Vanessa think she is? Promise me that you’ll mind your own business, Vanessa. Oh, and something something to do with Carter Baizen and Nate’s girlfriend? And Carter Baizen had single-handedly traveled the globe looking for Serena’s father out of some romantic impulse? This show is so complicated! It’s almost as if you need a college degree to understand it. If only they taught Retarded Stuff Studies in college.

But finally, in light of his embarrassingly soured business deal, Chuck has bought a hotel. And he got the courage to do it because Blair believes in him? That is a risky move to make based on the historically fickle emotional state of an 18 year old NYU freshman. But what’s even more insane is that he says that he cashed out all of his Bass Industries stock in order to make the purchase. HUH? We’re supposed to believe that Chuck Bass was a billionaire who owned half of New York, but that his entire fortune, when liquidated, is worth one hotel? Yikes. SOMETHING JUST DOES NOT ADD UP, AND THAT SOMETHING IS THE FUNDAMENTAL ECONOMICS OF THIS SHOW.

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