America’s Next Top Model: To Thine Own Self Be Taller

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate, and currently has a tremendous one-man show at the UCB called No Answers. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of America’s Next Top Model.]

This week’s episode of ‘Le Cycle 13 Collection’ started off with a whole lot of Bianca-hating, which I was all for. She’s the worst kind of tranny: a stuck-up one with actual girl-parts. Big mistake. All her SHORT housemates thought she was definitely going home last week, and are pissed that she didn’t. Me too, sisters, me too.

Not much drama has taken place yet in the house, but this week some bitches fiiiinally started talking smack (thank you Ashley and Lulu), which Bloody Eyeball really didn’t like. Bloody Eyeball was all about being nice and supportive, which is DISGUSTING/WRONG. She even had a heart-to-heart with Bianca in the hot tub.

I think they talked about how weird it is to never eat lunch or dinner, but still do pushups, or at least they should have talked about that (I watch this shit on mute).

This week, the girls got some more runway tips from Miss Jay. But, since the girls are SHORTSHORTSHORTSHORT, and need constant reminding of that, Jay brought along a 9 year old to show them how it’s done. BURN.

The 9 year old is Diva Davanna, and she’s already walked in over 200 fashion shows!

“Sup, ya short cunts?”

Is there any way to just put her parents and all her adult neighbors in jail right now, preemptively, before she ends up in pieces? Just a thought. Here she is showing up for the first day of 2nd grade:

The girls have to learn how to “walk tall,” and some of them kind of pull it off. They also have to learn how to walk in tandem, wearing matching outfits (a.k.a. Miss Jay & Tyra’s morning voodoo ritual). No one’s as good as Diva Davanna, so they all get eliminated. The End.

J/K, the girls have a real challenge this week: they have to walk in a Kevan Hall runway show in Malibu. Kevan Hall is a designer with a C- list of celebrity clientele. Here’s fashion (surgical scars) icon Tara Reid rocking one of his gowns at the 2006 premiere of ‘Black Christmas’–a Lacey Chabert holiday thriller!

But, he also outfitted Salma Hayek for the Oversized Mohair Sweater Awards one time, so he’s PRETTY famous.

Anyway, the girls have to share the runway with models who are 5’10” or taller, and hold their own. My girl Lulu’s a dud, and disappointingly, she turns out to be one of those girls who thinks she has a ‘signature walk,’ and refuses to change it. Lame. Brittany wins the challenge, and gets to model Xcite-brand prom dresses for Seventeen Magazine.

Here’s an actual look from their chic and stunning 2009 collection:

HI, THE GIRL IN THE BAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES! GRAB that abs-ball backdrop and WORK.

Brittany gets to take 2 friends along for the Seventeen shoot, so she chooses Kara and… Wait, I forget. Who was the second one?


The Seventeen shoot started out with a lobotomy and a whole lot of estrogen tea; then, after 99 hours of water torture with a Hello Kitty doll stuffed in their mouths, Brittany, Kara and Laura turned out one hell of a shot:

Then it was time for the real photo shoot. This shoot was all about the girls pretending that they have other people’s skeletons–tall people’s skeletons!!!! Kara, Jennifer, Nicole, Sundai and Erin really impressed Mr. Jay on set. Upon Erin, he bestowed the ultimate compliment: “You don’t have to go home and cry, this is disgustingly gorgeous.” Ugh, Jay, fuck you AND your Slavendaint (Tyra-speak for Silver and Lavender Spray-Paint) hair spikes!!!

But my girls Lulu and Laura fell SHORT. Even after Lulu obediently submitted to Jay during mandatory sex roleplay time…

…he was uninspired.

Oh, and Bianca needs to think about Jesus to look pretty, turns out. Snore.

The guest judge this week was Jaime Rishar, who used to be a major supermodel, and is only 5’6″.

Now she goes by the name Beef Twiggy and runs a Slim Jim store from home.

Tyra showered 2 girls with praise.

Tyra, to Bloody Eyeball (channeling Pythagoras): “You look like you’re 5’13″”
Tyra to Bianca (really fishing): “You do a really good job of modeling with the back of your neck.”

In the end, Kara wins photo of the week…

Now THAT’s some side-tit, am I right??!!

I would’ve chosen Jennifer (who totes cures her VERY RUDE eye problem)…

…or Erin, because this photo and those shoes make me wanna Freaky Friday her BAD. Fierce.

Brittany, the challenge winner, found herself in the bottom 2, along with my girl Lulu (told you my good wishes were the kiss of death, sistergirlfriend (Laura: hope you haven’t unpacked yet…)). Lulu gets the boot, which is RIDIC, because other than her lazy-girl walk and the big tattoo on her chest, LULU IS PERFECT. M’oh well. Now that you’re back in Brooklyn, look me up.