“Listen, Drake, it’s about your new music video. It’s got some problems. For one thing, you’re performing in an empty nightclub? I mean, a handful of girls walk down the stairs at the beginning of the video, but perhaps they are walking down the stairs to exit the club, because after they walk down the stairs there is no one in there. Actually, no, one girl stays, standing by a meager bar with, like, six bottles of vodka behind it? I hope your crew likes vodka, but not too much vodka. Also you are performing on a two-story platform? That is on fire? Why are you doing that, Drake? Nevermind, don’t answer that. It’s not any worse than Kanye West’s performance in absolute darkness, or Weezy’s refusal to even get up off the couch to deliver his verse, or Eminem’s 2002-sports-drink-commercial-soundstage. No, performing atop a two-story platform to an empty nightclub is not even your biggest problem at this point.
“Your biggest problem, Drake, is that with your hoodie pulled up and your mirror-rehearsed snarl, you think that you look very tough but you do not look very tough. You look like a 12-year-old about to start his first day of junior high who has spent all summer practicing looking tough alone in his room. Whoops, the bullies are unimpressed. Whoops, the bullies are beating you up. Whoops, now you’re wearing your hoodie as pants because your real pants are in a dumpster or toilet somewhere.
“Also, I’m pretty sure the “dissolve” button on this video editing machine is broken.
“But don’t worry, Drake! I think I’ve got a solution that will fix the whole video. Sure, it’s lazy and aesthetically unpleasant and you look like a wimp in your outfit and your face, but all of those things can be fixed and/or distracted from if we just THROW A BUNCH OF BASKETBALL PLAYERS IN THERE*. Perfect. Cut and print. That’s a wrap everyone. Bartender, a round of a tiny little bit of vodka, on me.”
*I know that this song is on the LeBron James Soundtrack, but so what, it’s still lame.