Whoa. Whatever facts about high school may have been gently fudged during the first two seasons of Gossip Girl (almost all of the facts, covered in fudge), they’re going even further with their depiction of college, obliterating generations of human experience in service of a nonsense make-believe fantasy world. Like, I’m willing to believe that an Upper East Side private high school allows students to drink martinis in the courtyard at lunch because I never went to an Upper East Side private high school. But I did go to college (that’s right, I’ve been to college). And they did not allow heavily publicized sushi and saketini parties in the freshmen (or any) dorms. And they did not allow keg parties on the roof of the dorms. And no one was the most popular kid on campus after two days of orientation sessions. And you can’t just walk up to a desk in the housing office and have your roommate selection changed with a verbal agreement. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Blair intends to move into the NYU dorms despite Chuck’s protests (“the only queens at NYU are the ones with tickets to see Liza at Carnegie Hall”) because she knows that there will be impressionable freshmen there just looking for someone to impose ridiculous social constructs around their brand new lives in the greatest city in the world. Uh oh! I have a feeling this isn’t going to work out so well! Blair has Derota hand out gift bags full of Tiffany bracelets and headbands, and the girls are like “huh?” but before Blair even has time to be confused about why her foolproof plan isn’t working, in walks Georgina. THEY ARE GOING TO BE ROOMMATES! Blair is like “the only solution to this problem is to throw a well-publicized sushi and saketini party in the dorm’s common area.” I do have to hand it to this show: they remain as true as they possibly can to the belief that parties are the source of all of life’s problems and solutions.
But no one shows up to Blair’s sushi and saketini party. Because they’re all in Vanessa’s room watching her bullshit documentary and eating pizza. Come on. I mean, it’s 2009. The only thing less believable than a well-publicized sushi and saketini party in a dormitory common area is the idea that no one would show up. EVERYONE would go to a sushi and saketini party. Sushi is delicious, and sake is made out of the alcohol that 18-year-olds crave. Anyway, Georgina and Vanessa are friends now, and they are shutting Blair out of the NY social scene. Boo hoo, I’m sure. Also, how cheap is this show? Can’t they get more than one prop pizza?
Oh, Nate is still dating that girl. The whole thing is very Dangerouzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Liazzzzzzzzzzzzz. Who cares.
Georgina and Vanessa organize a rooftop keg party. Sure, you know how it is. 18-year-old college freshmen are not awkward and scared about everything at all, they’re totally capable of efficiently organizing a Campus and New York State Law breaking dormitory rooftop keg party (at 5:30 in the afternoon).
Asher Roth is like “THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS WHOLE TIME!”
But Blair is not invited to the party. WILL SHE NEVER BE THE NON-EXISTENT SOCIAL QUEEN OF A MULTI-THOUSAND PERSON UNIVERSITY? She asks Dan to be his date, and Dan knows what it is like to not be invited to a party, so he brings Blair. Georgina is like “you should know that Blair is just using you to get to this party.” Uh, of course she is? I didn’t even think that was a secret. But Dan puts on his thinking face.
And Blair is like “figuring out the comprehensive ruling structure of college social life is hard!”
But Blair’s secret plan to become the non-existent singularly important social figure at a multi-thousand student university is already launched! She has invited Georgina’s church camp pals from the end of last season to embarrass her in front of everyone. And it seems to work. Everyone is leaving the roof to pile into one of Blair’s waiting limousines, which will take them to Monkey Bar (so hot right now). It’s probably the actually kind of amazing t-shirts.
But Dan decides that NYU is his time to be the non-existent singluarly important social figure at a multi-thousand student university, so he hops on the mic and is like “Blair is a jerk. Who wants to ride in a limousine with a jerk to Graydon Cartern’s latest fine-dining establishment, and who wants to hang out on this roof with me?!” And everyone cheers? And supposedly gets back out of the limo? And heads back up to the roof? Jeez. NYU students are very easily convinced to change their plans constantly.
Oh, and you know how Serena was going to go to Brown? Which would make the show kind of complicated, what with an entirely separate plotline taking place in Providence, Rhode Island every week? Well, the producer figured out a super smart way of solving that problem: Serena’s just not going to go to Brown. PROBLEM SOLVED. What she is going to do is stick around New York and be a real fucking cunt to everyone. She ruins Chuck’s business proposal (which is apparently the extent of Gossip Girl’s treatment of the current global economic crisis) TWICE! And then there is this:
Thanks for the talk. Serena Van Der Cwordsen. I hope she gets a job working at a gas station and the gas station explodes, not killing her, but covering her body in third degree burns. After years of therapy to deal with her post-traumatic stress from the gas station explosion, Serena is finally able to get a job working as a grocery bagger at a local D’Agostino’s through their outreach program with the halfway house where she lives. You know, or whatever.