The 15 Types Of Strangers

This is a very important Public Service Announcement, obviously, and all American children should have to memorize these 11 types of strangers, as well as the exact scripted thing that they say each time (any deviation from the script means it’s probably safe to get into the car). Although, I’m pretty sure we could use a new name for Hero Trap since huh? Hero Bald Fashion Photographer Who Prefers Shooting In A Parking Lot For The Natural Light Trap? Total Hero Trap.

But also, there are a few strangers that the video missed, and they are important. You know, so that the children don’t get raped.

Garbage Trap
“Hey, I left you a present at the bottom of that dumpster. Why don’t you go find it. I will be in there in a second to help you celebrate!”

Helium Trap
“Have you ever heard how funny someone’s voice gets when they inhale helium from a balloon? They sound like they are in a cartoon! Do you like cartoons? Do you like getting raped and then watching cartoons?”

Sad Bubblegum Pizza Trap
“I was supposed to have a bubblegum pizza party with all my friends, but they canceled at the last minute. Now I have all these bubblegum pizzas and no one to share them with. My mother is in the hospital and it’s been really difficult living in the old house by myself. I really just need someone with a set of times tables flash cards to talk to.”

Dax Shepard Trap
“I’m Dax Shepard, get in my car!”

Jesus. This post is a nightmare. Sorry. (Via FourFour.)