America’s Next Top Model: Super Smize Me

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate, currently has a tremendous one-man show at the UCB called No Answers. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of America’s Next Top Model.]

Episode deux de “Le Cycle 13 Collection” was light on the Francais, but heavy on the made-up English. It was the week of “smize”-ing: a word Tyra made up for ‘smiling-with-your-eyes,’ and then emailed to everyone at Bankable Productions in hot-pink Curlz MT font. There was probably one dummy there at the office who was like “shouldn’t it be ‘smeyes,’ so the word ‘eyes’ is still in it?” To the family of that dummy: I’m sorry for your loss, but when you get an email from Tyra in hot-pink Curlz MT font, don’t ask questions!

The episode starts out with all the [SHORT] models going in for a meeting at their maybe-future modeling agency, Wilhelmina. The girls get coveted one-on-one time with the agency’s president, Sean Patterson, and Top Model judge (“noted fashion photographer”) Nigel Barker (meow).

My girl Lulu made the first oops-y, when she admitted that she loves fashion, but pays no attention to famous fashion photographers. That made Nigel so upset that he texted me ‘grrrrl, my feelingz is so hurt right now, I’m cumming ova 4 kissing time, k?’

Jennifer, a girl who I now realize I didn’t even get a mention last week (step up yo game, Jennifer!) also made a mistake at her Wilhelmina meeting. She had the nerve to show up with a medical problem: ptosis of the eye, or as it’s known on the streets, ‘wonk-eye.’ One’s closed-er than the other, which is VERY disrespectful.

Best quote of Le Cycle so far goes to Nigel Barker, after Jennifer left the room:
“she can’t model, and have a career, and work, just squinting the whole time.” Why’s that hilarious? Oh, because Jennifer looks like this:

NIGEL!!! DON’T say that about the ONLY Asian girl! Good thing he didn’t try to talk any of that ‘squint’ nonsense about Sheena from Cycle 11, or he woulda found his sorry ass on two different floors of the same H&M.

But, the real dud in the Wilhelmina meetings was poor Rachel, whose ize are HUGE, but who made the mistake of saying that she loves to do musical theater (BIG MISTAKE #1), and then couldn’t even think of a song to sing when Nigel asked her to perform on the spot (BIG MISTAKE #2). I woulda been all “five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred reasons…you and I should pick up and move to Brazil! I’m talkin’ bout looooooove, loooooooove…”

Anyway, Nigel and Sean Patterson pulled a Top Chef from last week, and sent old big-ize Rachel packing on the spot. Bye, Rachel!!!!!!

Then the girls were off to what they think is a photo shoot. They show up to a studio, and there’s some bespectacled queen there with a camera, who barks at them to give him the perfect photo in just one shot. YIKES-SIES! He is super abusive, but also super improv-club-y, and the girls are too dumb to realize they’re in the middle of one of Tyra’s famous sketch comedy seizures. All of a sudden, Tyra, dressed in a trench coat and geek-for-Halloween glasses walks in the studio, and gets yelled at by the “photographer.”

Mami hates getting yelled at, so she pulls an Incredible Hulk, rips off her coat, and “becomes” her version of a super-hero: SUPER SMIZE!!!!

According to the “photographer,” Super Smize “can stomp the runway to dust in just one stomp,” which I think is a dig at Tyra’s weight, but like, two cycles too late (she looks PRETTY good this cycle, no?).

Super Smize gets to work teaching all the girls how to smize, and her instructions sound like a homeopathic cure-all for lady-aches:

  1. stand with your feet shoulder-width apart
  2. shoulders down
  3. neck long, like there’s a string coming out the top of your head
  4. hand on your stomach
  5. imagine something delicious
  6. (don’t ask about why I’m not mentioning your ize in these instructions)

Tyra gets so into her “sketch comedy acting” during this challenge (Jan Hooks just rolled over in her grave), that during her one-on-one smize lesson with Courtney, she couldn’t help channeling a hungry Louis Farrakhan. Quote, verbatim:
Courtney: [I’m imagining] pizza.
Hungry Louis Farrakhan: What’s the topping…
Courtney: Pepperoni.
Hungry Louis Farrakhan: Turkey pepperoni, or the real pork swine?

LOLOLOLOLOL, “the real pork swine.” Yikes???!!!???

Then, the girls change into full-body, spandex, punishment-tards for the real challenge: a smize-off in Tyra’s ‘Fortress of Fierceness’!

The winners get to have dinner with Sean Patterson of Wilhelmina at Tyra’s fav restaurant in L.A.: Carl’s Jr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK, JK, it’s a place called The Bazaar, which according to food blogs, is a very good Tapas/Molecular Gastronomy joint. My girls Laura and Lulu, along with Brittany, Kara, Courtney and Bianca win the challenge, and at dinner, the rest of the girls have to wait on them, and then do the dishes. Burn!

The next day is photo-shoot-day, and the girls find themselves meeting Mr. Jay at Santa Anita Park–a horse-track made famous by Seabiscuit (yes, srsly). The girls have to pose topless with lots of fake care covering their teeny-tiny nipple-only ta-ta’s, alongside a horse and a real jockey named Norm. I’m pretty sure next week they’ll be posing bottoms-less with a Rottweiler and a big jar of Skippy, but I’ll have to double check on that.

My girl Laura is super-psyched about the shoot: “I’m thrilled to work with a horse, and it’s nude, so that makes me even MORE thrilled, because I love nudity!”

Jennifer’s horse just won’t cooperate, but then again, neither will her ize, so who’s really to blame? Courtney gets all sulky because Mr. Jay makes her keep a huge boot on her broke-ass foot, which throws her off her game. At one point, Mr. Jay tells her she looks “like Barbarella in a wrestling ring” (he/she would know).

When complain-y Bianca shows up to set wearing a long blonde wig from the Kim Zolciak Chemo Collection, she is none-too-pleased, and it shows in her ize. Halfway through the shoot, Mr. Jay tells her that Isis, the transgendered model from Cycle 11 looked more feminine than her (he/she would know).

Brittany, Erin, Laura and Nicole nailed their shoots, and the panel was very pleased. This week, the guest judge was award-winning-television-actress Lauren Conrad (there’s an Emmy for Least Amount of Moustache Bleach Used on Cable, right?), who is also a famous fashion designer. Her latest line of pajama-striped, backless, stretch-jersey frocks are currently available here:

Even though I would’ve chosen Lulu’s photo

the judges deem Erin’s photo best of the week!!!

According to Tyra:
“This is why we wanted to do this photo shoot: to incorporate the girls’ hair with the horses’ hair, and the smize, and semi-nudity.” Girl, you better start citing Keats when you quote him on-air, you’re too pretty to go to jail.

Courtney’s sent home for being a quitter, and Bianca just barely squeaks by for the second week in a row. I would’ve been happy to see her go, but I’m sure it’ll happen next week. Third time’s a charm, grrrrrrrrrrrl.