Gossip Girl: It’s Not A Real Soap Opera Until Someone Gets Amnesia

Wow, the summer really is over. TIME TO LEAVE THE HAMPTONS. Or whatever. Are the Hamptons gauche now? I don’t know. TIME TO LEAVE THE MOON. Old money is all about summering on the moon now. Of course, the season kicks off with a welcoming voice over from our very own Gossip Girl, whose “inbox is overflowing” (that’s what she said!). Is it really, Gossip Girl? Because I find it hard to believe that in the fast-paced world of adolescent attention spans all the hottest gossip centers around people who graduated four months ago. We’ve all been to high school. We know that within days of graduating, returning seniors seem like withered perverts bent over their cum-stained walkers. “What are they doing here? Shouldn’t they be in a rest home jerking off to swing music somewhere?” That is what the new seniors ask. Who cares about high school graduates? People in-between their childhood and their unformed adulthood are the most worthless people on Earth (NO OFFENSE TO ALL OF THE VIDEOGUM READERS!).

Anyway, Chuck Bass is flirting with some girl!

He’s like “I have a girlfriend,” and she’s like “Chuck Bass doesn’t DO girlfriends.” He should have been like “Chuck Bass doesn’t NOT do ANYBODY.” She’s like “I’m in need of refudje, it’s too hot,” and Chuck is like, “it’s never too hot,” and she’s like, “care to test that theory.” And then they cover their bodies head to toe in garbage bags and go jogging through Central Park. After passing out and being given a rehydrating IV drip by paramedics, Chuck turns his beet-red face to the girl. “I guess you were right,” he pants. “Sometimes it is too hot.”

Seriously, though, what is happening? Where is Blair?! Oh, here she is.

It would seem that Chuck and Blair have spent their summer developing an incredibly elaborate system of sexual intrigue. You know, summer after high school graduation stuff. Supposedly, this helps keep them from getting bored with each other the way everyone gets bored after you date someone for…three months? That is what the show names as the magical cut off. Sure, this show. Always with your pulse on the finger of America’s youth. Although, the funny thing about Chuck and Blair’s cruel intentions is that it’s not so much what attractive young people do to liven things up, it’s what bored middle-aged people do to keep from losing everything in an inevitable divorce. Eyes Wide Shut was a movie about existential despair, not sexual ingenuity. Later, though, Chuck will say “I’m not Chuck Bass without you,” which is, you know, superromance.

Dan spent his summer getting matching haircuts and linen shirts with Rufus.

Meanwhile, Nate had the best summer of all, apparently, spent fucking modestly attractive girls on helicopters.

And pretending like he knows how to read.

Uh oh! The girl he fucked on the helicopter is from his family’s political rival’s family! It’s a classic Shakesperean romance! Capulets and Montagues! Maybe they will all drink some poison! I wonder how this will all shake out at the Vanderbilt Charity Polo Match. (Phew, it’s been 10 minutes since this show featured a party.)

Chuck puts on his best bellboy outfit to meet up with his good friend Nate and catch up about the summer.

Who has treated the occasion with equal formality by putting on all the makeup.

Nate is still struggling with his grandfather because he doesn’t want to do the internship at the mayor’s office. Boo hoo hoo, I’m sure. Chuck is like “you should keep fucking that girl, because my name is Captain Advice.” So Nate decides to give back the Lamborghini (oh, btw, Nate got given a Lamborghini halfway through this episode, you know, for fun) and takes Juliet to the Polo Match, but Juliet freaks out because she is on the outs with her family, and Grandpa is like “Nate, i don’t care what mayor’s office you do your fall internship in, or who you are fucking on helicopters. Here, drive the Lamborghini around,” and Nate is like, “OK, but just know that I hate having to drive this Lamborghini,” and then Grandfather is secretly like “MENACING SCHEME!”

Whatever. I don’t really understand why Nate doesn’t want to do the internship at the mayor’s office, or what happened to his trip to Europe with Vanessa, or where Lilly Van Der Woodsen is, or why the paparazzi care about Serena. It’s going to take a few weeks to catch up. Needless to say, Rufus is not happy when he finds out that Serena was not in the ashram she said she would be in (so many Eat, Pray, Love jokes made this episode, topped only by the Goop reference. Well played, Mr. Schwartz) and is instead blasted all over the tabloids. Right. Last summer he abandoned his kids completely to take a juvenile road trip with his old garbage band, this year he’s being an outstanding father to an 18 year old who is not even his child? DUST OFF THAT FATHER OF THE YEAR MOUSEPAD.

But something mysterious did happen while Serena was in Ibiza or whatever. Carter Baizen is like “something mysterious happened while you were in Ibiza or whatever.” She is like “I’m going to take my top off in front of the paparazzi to get you to shut up.”

Huh? A) What is that method of communication? And B) what happened? Did Serena not kill someone again? At the Vanderbilt Charity Polo Event, Blair and Dan are like “Carter Baizen, you got served. With a restraining order.” I guess restraining orders are easier to come by on the Upper East Side. Everyone has a “restraining order guy.” He’s like a dry cleaner, or a cobbler. Anyway, Carter is like “do you want to tell them or do you want me to tell them,” and Serena is like, “ride off on a polo horse because this show is retarded,” and Carter is like, “I will chase you on another horse, because you are right, this show is retarded.” And then together, in unison, they are like “stop riding horses in this beautiful copse of trees for serious talking and secret fucking, WHAT IS GOING ON?!”

So I guess they are in love now, but Serena is determined to find her father, and that is why she is being so weird? Whatever. She is paying the paparazzi to put photos of her in the magazines so that her dad will see them, wherever he is, and he will be like “this photo of my long-lost estranged daughter riding a horse in a polo match in Connecticut that I am seeing in one of the popular gossip magazines that I love to read all the time has showed me the error of my ways.” I don’t think Serena has thought this through.

OH LOOK! A black guy on this show!

Don’t worry, he’s just a security guard.

Meanwhile, Dan has turned into a rich kid now. He’s like “my designer wallet is for carrying my 100 bills.”

He says he’s going to ride the six train, but he is not going to ride the six train, he is going to ride the limo train.

Vanessa is like DIRTY LOOKS!

Whatever. Vanessa is so mad at him because she doesn’t care if he’s rich, but she wants him to be himself. What does that mean? She wants him to be terrible? Because he is! Still! But Dan is like “you don’t understand.” Mo money, mo problems, I guess. And what Vanessa doesn’t see is that later, Dan has a cup of coffee in the old Williamsburg loft, because he NEVER FORGETS WHERE HE CAME FROM, which is an INCREDIBLE MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR LOFT.

Oh, and that one kid who is actually Rufus and Lilly’s kid, meets Rufus for the first time, and he is clearly about to blow the lid wide open on this whole thing. Except maybe he should get a DNA test first, because he does not look anything like Rufus or Lily.

Dear Hollywood, not every “teenager” needs to look like Taylor Lautner to be believable as a teenager. Thanks.