No matter how bad things get in one’s life, there is always the held-out hope that they will eventually get better. We all dutifully push our own shopping cart through the falling ash as we carry our personal fire to the proverbial coast. But there are certain larger truths about the world we live in with which we must come to some sort of peace. And one of those truths is that this world was not made for us. We can find our own tiny, enshadowed corners to curl up in, but outside of those resting places it is an endless nightmare. I’m not saying that Jay Leno’s new 10PM talk show is an apocalyptic wasteland through which we have to trudge in the hopes of finding a lost world, but I am saying that Jay Leno’s 10PM talk show represents the cannibalized hopes and gray-wash dreams of a ruined society.
It really is a terrible show!
The show opens with a monologue. Really, a monologue? I mean, I knew there was going to be a monologue, but you also kind of hope that there won’t be a monologue. It’s such a failed, exhausted medium for archaic non-entertainment. Rushed jokes about current events that will be irrelevant tomorrow told with the casual air of someone trying to pass the time with their dentist. And this is a new show. NO RULES! NO DESK! Jay can do whatever he wants, and what he wants is to do more monologue jokes. That way he can slip in an incredibly tone-deaf joke about his AIRPLANE HANGAR FULL OF CARS. The joke went: “while we were off, the government started this program giving people money for their old cars. I made five billion dollars.”
The joke, I think, is that Jay Leno is so rich that he has amassed a small fortune in luxury collectibles, in addition to the money he uses to live his very comfortable life, and while millions of people across the country continue to lose their jobs as their homes are being foreclosed, Jay managed to gracelessly bully his way into a multi-million dollar job that did not need to be filled in the first place in order to continue buying cars so that he could have subject material for his obnoxious monologue jokes.
Then there were a couple of terrible “comedy” bits we don’t even need to talk about. It’s like all the advertising leading up to this show said: America says it wants more comedy! Right. Here you go, America, you fat fucking dumb baby.
Then Jay interviewed Jerry Seinfeld. Fine. If you look up the word “whatever” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of Jay Leno siting on an armchair next to Jerry Seinfeld sitting on an armchair, talking.
But as dull as the pre-Seinfeld “comedy” was, the worst “comedy” of the evening was Jay’s “interview” with Barack Obama, which he kept hyping up all night and saved for the second half, because something this good can’t be rushed.
I think the joke is that Jay Leno is wearing all the makeup. Or is the joke that Jay Leno HAS A LOT OF CARS? That is usually the joke, I guess.
And then, in the moment of the evening, I’m sure, Jay Leno interviewed a completely incoherent Kanye West about the VMAs controversy. Because Jay Leno is a hard-hitting journalist.
Classy question about Kanye’s mom, Jay Leno. You’re the new Walter Cronkite. What a jerk!
But easily my favorite part of the whole show was how after months of insisting that the new show would not have a desk, and that somehow not having a desk was BREAKTHROUGH TELEVISION, an important step forward in entertainment, it turns out that sometimes there will be a desk.
So that’s basically what happened, but can we talk about how weird this show is? Like, it uses the exact same color palette from Jay Leno’s Tonight Show? And there are all these number 10s painted on everything so that dumb people won’t get confused and think that this is the Tonight Show, because obviously the Tonight Show would have 11:30 painted everywhere, or whatever. It’s one thing for Jay to be proud of his show. Of course. He should be proud. Everyone should be proud of their accomplishments. But he seems to be celebrating the fact that he forced his way back on the air in the 10PM slot, which we all agree was doing Conan dirty, right? Like, even Jay’s biggest fans should be able to acknowledge that Jay did not act like a gentleman in this situation. But the whole show was built on celebrating his return to doing the exact same thing he’s been doing for 17 years after a three month paid vacation. Yay?! Huh?!
TARGET SIGHTED. BOMBS AWAY.
Of course, this show is probably going to be a huge success. Back to our secret caves of despair!