Charlie Sheen’s 9/11 Fan Fiction

Oh wow, speaking of coconuts. Charlie Sheen (Terminal Velocity, Scary Movie 4) recently published a transcript of his 20-minute conversation with President Barack Obama (on a website called Prison Planet, which is how you know it’s not going to be completely nuts). As the transcript begins, Charlie Sheen explains that he wanted 30 minutes, but the President’s handlers would only allow him 20. Except that Charlie Sheen didn’t have any minutes with the President, the whole thing is made up. Which makes the whole wanting 30 minutes but only getting 20 minutes thing particularly crazy because it is make believe. But it turns out that is the least crazy part of this whole crazy thing, because the imagined conversation is mostly about Charlie Sheen’s 9/11 conspiracy theories, which is what we in the business call PERFECT. It includes a lot of naturalistic back-and-forth dialog, for example:

Charlie Sheen – Mr. President, are you aware of the number of days it took to begin the investigation into JFK’s assassination?

President Barack Obama – If memory serves I believe it was two weeks.

CS – Close. Seventeen days to be exact. Are you aware sir, how long it took to begin the investigation into Pearl Harbor?

PBO – I would say again about….two weeks.

CS – Close again sir, eleven days to be exact. Are you aware Mr. President how long it took to begin the investigation into 9/11?

PBO – I know it must have seemed like a very long time for all the grieving families.

CS – It was a very long time Mr. President – four hundred and forty days. Roughly 14 months. Does it bother you Mr. President that it only took FIVE HOURS for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld after the initial attack to recommend and endorse a full scale offensive against Iraq?

PBO – I am not aware of any such purported claim.

CS – I have the proof Mr. President, along with scores of documents and facts I’d like you to take a look at. Here.

(I hand him another file – much thicker than the first)

PBO – I see you came prepared Charlie.

CS – No other way to show up Mr. President. When in doubt over prepare I always say.

PBO – Now you sound like the First Lady.

CS – That’s quite a compliment sir.

PBO – As you wish. Please continue.

HAAAAAAAA. Those last three lines slay me. You can just see Charlie Sheen pacing back and forth in his office, squeezing a stressball in his hand, trying to make sure he got it absolutely right. And boy did he ever. Am I reading a piece of deranged lunatic fantasy, or the latest Broadway drama? I will leave that up to the Tony Awards voters to decide.

Read the whole thing here, bananahead. (Thanks for the tip, Justin.)