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Tyra Banks Wants To Be The Black Gwyneth Paltrow

It’s not like people didn’t know that Tyra Banks was ridiculous and awful. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating everything in the medicine cabinet, but have you seen her facial expressions when she’s left to her own devices? She’s like an animatronic puppet on a ride about nightmares. “This vagina has teeth in it.” That’s what the narrator says. As your boat cruises into Tyra Banks’s giant vagina. Full of teeth. But now she is entering the lifestyle website industry. Just what the ladies need! Another rich and famous narcissist to help them figure out what’s what! From JustJared:

Tyra Banks will be launching an online magazine later today called TYRA: Beauty Inside and Out, focusing on beauty, fashion and healthy living.

“I’m really interested in helping women take control of their futures, take control of their destiny. One of my lines in my manifesto on the Web site is to be the CEO of your own life, be in control of your own life,” the 35-year-old talk show host said.

Yeah ladies, be the CEO of your own life, be in control of your own life. Just like Tyra Banks!

Tyra knows what the word CEO means because she had sex with one on a yacht onetime when she was a teenager just trying to break into the Berlin fashion world. Tough stuff! She knows that sometimes it can be hard to follow your dream of dressing up in a fat suit and pretending to be homeless for your self-indulgent, tertiary cable talk show. But it’s like they say: shoot for the stars and you might just land on 4pm slot at WPIX.

She is all about empowerment, too. Step 1: make a billion dollars by trading on your sexuality. Step 2: be empowered! She’s basically the best role model. And wait until you taste her cocaine and hundred dollar bill stuffed roast chicken. It is to die for. Literally. It is going to kill you.