The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Kim Zolciak Is A One Woman Face/Off

Lisa and Nene go shopping. Nene and Kim get pedicures. Kim and Kandi eat nachos. All of these women obviously hate each other so much, but the strictures of the show that they have agreed to be on demand that they participate in activities together. It’s like BattleBots, basically. At one point in last night’s episode, when Kim calls Kandi to casually, and most importantly, NATURALLY ask her to dinner, Kandi can barely keep from cracking up. Because obviously there is a producer in the backseat of her car on a walkie talkie who was like, “are we a go on the Kim phone call about dinner? That’s an all systems go on the Kim phone call for dinner,” and then Kim called about dinner. TOO REAL. Is it just me, or has Kim’s own face finally turned on her? “Doctor…her body seems to be rejecting the face.”

“Get me 10cc’s of anti-face-melting medication, stat.”

“It’s too late, doctor. The face is gone.”

Kim is a real disaster! I know that has been said before, but, like, it’s getting worse. You know that part in Gone Fishin’ when Joe Pesci and Danny Glover have already, like, crashed their boat and totaled their car and blown up a porta-potty, and they’re sitting out in the woods with just the clothes on their back and their fishing gear, and they’ve built a fire to keep warm, and there’s a brief moment of calm and peace after their upsetting day, and Joe Pesci turns to Danny Glover and says “well, at least it couldn’t get any worse,” and just then there is a thunder and lightning storm? THAT IS A METAPHOR FOR KIM ZOLCIAK.

Look at her head!

When she goes to dinner with Kandi, literally the first thing that she says is “I need a waiter,” and then she shoots out one of her Skexie claws and grabs a waiter and goes “I need a bottle of wine.” People do that? Because Kandi is not drinking any of the wine. Do people just immediately order themselves an entire bottle of wine? Without checking what the other person is going to have, or if the other person even wants to have any wine? Kim probably just had too many shots of Goldschlagger and forgot her manners. Seriously look at her fucking face:

LOOK OUT! She won’t shut up about being a Taurus, and how that means something? “Taurus’s have a lot of haters.” Or whatever. She really is a dumb person. Also, this made me laugh:

Haha. Kim, your purse is too big! Much like how your face is too big! And your belief in voodoo magic is too big. You are too big in almost all ways!

Boy, I don’t like her. I think its because of how awful she is? Nene is organizing an “alter-ego photoshoot,” which is a photoshoot where everyone plays two different characters, like, a good guy and a bad guy, or Scully and Mulder, or whatever. Which is fine. Except that Nene keeps talking about it as if it’s a thing? “I’m organizing an alter-ego photoshoot, so naturally you immediately understand what that is since it’s a normal thing people always talk about.” We will have to wait until next week to see this photoshoot, but she is telling Kim about it over pedicures and she is like “your alter-ego is that you are black.” Hahaha. Sure. Then she tells Kim, “your alter-ego’s name is Kina.” And Kim gets mad? She is like “Kina? How did you come up with Kina?” And Nene is like “you’re black.” It’s a clinically retarded conversation, but I can answer that question, Kim: she came up with Kina based on how YOUR NAME IS KIM AND SHE HAS NO IMAGINATION.

Oof. This show.

So Nene goes with Lisa to Los Angeles for her grandmother’s birthday party. This whole segment of the episode is very unusual and actually kind of interesting. Lisa’s family is of modest means, and they are by the strictest definition a family. What I mean by that is they kind of don’t make sense? They’re all really different. But they love each other and they accept each other and they are a family together. It’s nice. Also: baby Lisa!

The show follows them to the retirement home for Lisa’s grandmother’s birthday party. Retirement homes don’t get a lot of airtime these days, especially on shows about how real life is all shopping and white wine. But it is true that we all get old and infirm and if we’re lucky, people come to visit us once a year. With a camera crew.

There’s also the whole Lisa visiting her brother’s gravesite, which is not really something that we need to be a part of, especially not for two drawn-out episodes. We get it! She is sad! She misses her brother! Not really our business! Back to the poorly decorated mansions and the City of Nothing but Party Planners.

I don’t even KNOW what this is:


Meanwhile, back in Atlanta, Sheree pretends like she’s got something going on that is worthwhile in her life. She doesn’t.