What’s Your Damage, Hollywood?

A Heathers reboot? For TV? Right. Big fun! Teenage Suicide, just do it. That’s how it goes, right? From Variety:

Dear Diary: Fox is developing a contemporary take on the 1989 Christian Slater/Winona Ryder feature “Heathers.”

Dark comedy will be adapted for TV by scribe Mark Rizzo, with an assist from “Sex and the City” alum Jenny Bicks. Sony Pictures TV, where Bicks is based, will produce, along with Lakeshore Entertainment, which holds the rights to “Heathers.”

Rizzo is still kicking around ideas on how to update “Heathers” 20 years after the film became a favorite among the underground set. But the characters from the movie are all expected to be there — Veronica Sawyer (played in the movie by Ryder), J.D. (Slater) and the “Heathers.”

Whatever. Would you ask the sun not to shine on the set of the Goonies remake? Would you ask the rain not to fall upon The Neverending Story: Kindle Warz’s craft services table? Hollywood is just doing what Hollywood does at this point. But they could at least show us all the respect of face-raping the past without the empty justifications:

The idea for a “Heathers” revival came from inside UTA, where reps for Rizzo and Bicks decided the title was ripe for revival and contacted Lakeshore about potentially dusting off the franchise.

For Lakeshore, the project, which is in the script stage at Fox, reps its introduction to the world of TV.

“We had the title, and talked about doing a film remake at times,” said Lakeshore prexy Gary Lucchesi. “But doing it for TV seemed like a fresh and original idea.”

It’s not a franchise if there’s just one movie, and it doesn’t need dusting off if people still care about it. More importantly: doing it for TV isn’t even a fresh and original SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT MEDIUM, much less “idea.” They literally don’t have a clue what that word even means anymore. “I want an everything bagel with idea cheese, and a no-fat venti ideaccino.” Jerks. (Thanks for the tip, Amanda.)