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Relax, Forks, Washington

Forks, Washington, is where Stephanie Meyers’s Twilight series is set. Fair enough. It has to be set somewhere, and since Narnia was already taken, Forks is as good a place as any, I suppose. But Forks needs to relax. It’s one thing to have Twilight prom in your high school (you know, for the kids), but do you really need to call your Chamber of Commerce “the home of Twilght? That’s like Gatlin, Nebraska officially changing its name to “Gatlin, Nebaraska: Home of the Children of the Corn.” Do you see how it is creepy? Are there no adults left in your town?

And now there is going to be a documentary about Forks? Called Twilight in Forks? But it’s not about the making of Twilight or the Twilight phenomenon, it’s just about Forks? Like, the history of the town? With occasional interviews with people who look like characters in Twilight? Do we need that? We don’t need that.

From the press release:

Filmed in HD by three-time Emmy Award-winning Director Jason Brown, Twilight in Forks – The Saga of the Real Town, documents the story of the rainiest city in the U.S. – Forks – and the untold tales of its hidden history, culture and mysticism. Since the Twilight movies were not filmed in Forks, this is the chance for fans to see where Stephenie Meyer based her epic teen romance novels.

Are there truly vampires and werewolves in and around Forks? Hear from the real people living their lives in the town Twilight fans know and love. Fans will meet the Chief of Police and hear as he recounts the meal he cooked for Stephenie Meyer, the Forks Outfitters’ employee who gets mistaken for Bella, the vampire transplant who plays the real-life role of Alice, hear self-described Jacob’s grandfather tell the legend of how the Quileutes descended from wolves, and many more of the people and places, including the Cullen House, Swan House and police station, that make Forks the perfect setting for the Twilight Series.

Oh, I can answer that question: NO, THERE ARE NOT TRULY VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES IN AND AROUND FORKS. (Also, in and AROUND? Ha.) There, I saved you the trouble of watching a whole documentary to find out that answer.

Fans will meet the Chief of Police. Unbelievable. “I was on the edge of my seat waiting to meet the Chief of Police.” (I was not on the edge of my seat.)

It makes sense for Forks to be proud. I’m sure that it is the most excitement in Forks in a long time. All these teenagers with their cameras and their costumes and their questions and their misguided senses of how human love and relationships work. But just relax, Forks. Take it easy. You are a town, not a little girl. Act like it.