True Blood: Stick A Fork In This, It’s Dumb

At a certain point this season, I was momentarily won over by this show. I’m not afraid to admit that. It was just as ridiculous as always, but there was something endearing in how bad it was. You wanted to pat everyone on the back and congratulate them for trying their best. Everyone is a winner! The show also seemed to be indulging and reveling in its campiness in a way that the first season didn’t. The first season was very “Alan Ball Presents.” In the publicity run up to season 2, I heard an interview with Ball on Fresh Air with Terry Gross, and he talked at length and with little-to-no humor or self-awareness about the search for the right consistency of fake blood. Relax, Doctor Ball. Season 2, though, had loosened the reins on the gay rights metaphor, for one thing, and it had just stopped taking itself so seriously in general. But watching last night’s episode I realized that maybe it stopped taking itself so seriously TOO MUCH. This show should take itself A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY.

(I had started categorizing True Blood recaps under “soap opera” but I have moved them back to their original categorization of “hate-watching.”)

So, Sookie comes down from the roof where Godric got a killer suntan (UGH, yes, but perfectly in the spirit and tone of this horrible show) and kisses all the blood tears off of Eric’s crybaby face (how is it that vampires can cry blood but they can’t feel emotions? Nevermind, I’m sorry, that’s just me being so silly and trying to use logic and reason to understand the constantly changing rules of this show) and then they start doing it and then Sookie wakes up and it had all just been a dream. I wish she would wake up and this show would all just be a dream. She is in a chauffeured car with Jason Stackhouse and Bill’s transport coffin (cracks me up every time). When they roll into BonE Temps, everything is a mess!

What happened in this wonderful town? A couple of possessed people are like “we’ve got to kill Sam Merlotte,” and Jason is like “OK, but what happened to your eyes?” They head over to Bill’s house, where Vampire Jessica and Hoyt are trying to restrain Hoyt’s mom, who also has black eyes and talks about killing Sam Merlotte. And still, no one worries at all about Sam Merlotte. They all talk about how the town is so messy and about how there is no one at the police station and about how something “weird” is definitely “going on.” Good work, Sherlocks! You cracked the case! Eventually Jason does decide to head over to Merlotte’s restaurant to look into this whole killing Sam Merlotte thing. And Bill and Sookie head over to grandma’s house. And Hoyt’s mom plays Wii. (When you are possessed by a Maenad you can still play Wii #MaenadFacts #WiiFacts.)

At Sookie’s house, they find a giant Wicker Man sculpture in the front yard. They go inside and everything is overrun and Sookie calls Lafayette to find out where Tara is and Lafayette tells them to get out of the house, but not before Marianne surprises them. “This is my house now,” she says. Why? The other house she had was nicer than this house. She should have kept that house. Sookie is like “ENERGY FORCE FIELD ON YOUR FACE!”

Then Bill bites her neck and starts throwing up (blah! blah!) and the whole time Marianne just laughs because even she can’t figure out what the fuck is going on (seriously? Sookie has force field powers now?) so there is nothing to do BUT laugh. Sookie rescues Bill and Marianne is just like LOL.

Sam gets tricked into going to Merlotte’s (with Andy Bellefleur, who will not stop exaggeratedly drinking from a fifth of whiskey even when he is in a life or death situation, as if he was a 12-year-old boy in a junior high school play in the role of “Wino”) and is suddenly surrounded by all the possessed townspeople, who are being led by Andy’s cousin Terry. HERE AGAIN: I do not understand the rules of being possessed, I guess. Because it used to be that Marianne would just possess everyone and make them do what she wanted, but now possessed people are able to make strategic decisions? And bargain? Sure. Whatever. Sam and Bill lock themselves in the walk-in cooler. Then Jason Stackhouse shows up with a chainsaw and a nail gun because “this is the war [he has] been training for.” You know, teh chainsaw-nail gun war in a bar of 2009. He almost rescues Sam, but then he doesn’t rescue Sam, and then Sam gives himself up to everyone because there is no way out, and they tie him to the roof of a car. But then Jason puts on a gas mask and pretends to be Dionysus and Sam turns into a fly and I’M DONE, BECAUSE I AM AN ADULT AND ADULTS DON’T HAVE TO DO THINGS THEY DON’T WANT TO DO LIKE TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS SHOW.

Meanwhile, Tara is possessed by Marianne and tied to a chair by her mom and Lafayette. Sookie and Bill show up, and Sookie tries to read her mind but all she sees is black. Bill says “you are going to have to go deeper into her mind than you have ever gone before.” Ha and also Ha. Immediately, on her first try, Sookie starts to see some of Tara’s memories of the past few days. So that was actually a lot easier than she thought. She should have just tried harder the first time. But she can’t seem to snap Tara out of it. So Bill decides to Glamour Tara, and tells Tara to let Sookie in. At one point, Bill is Galmouring her (I guess) and it looks really hard, like he is sweating and his face is all strained out. So Galmouring is strenuous now? I mean, I would understand if Glamouring either worked or did not work, depending on whether or not the person was possessed by a Maenad, but Glamouring can’t just become exercise all of a sudden. Anyway, Sookie goes back into Tara’s mind and sees everything that happened over the past four episodes and ta-da, Tara is saved. It takes about 30 seconds. Good work, everyone. You made that into a really big deal even though it seemed pretty easy in the end. Tara starts to cry. I start to cry.

No one knows how to kill Marianne, but one time during the 1920s Bill read a book about monsters while wearing a silk smoking jacket so maybe that is a clue?

He goes to see the Queen of the Vampires, because of course he goes to see the Queen of the Vampires. Oh good, ANOTHER CHARACTER, I was worried that we were going to run out of characters on this show! (I was not worried.) Next week: