Mike Tyson Pro-Tip For A Successful Weekend #11: We all like to have fun, but sometimes things get out of hand, and it’s important to keep your head on straight. A successful weekend often means hanging out with friends and relieving the stress of the work week, yes, but on a more fundamental level a successful weekend is also a safe weekend, when you don’t end up in the hospital or jail. If you find yourself in a tense situation, you can often talk your way out of it. Violence is almost never a good solution. Perhaps a boast might work. If you feel threatened by someone at a bar, nightclub, movie theater, community center pottery class, or murder mystery dinner party, try telling them that you will fuck them in the ass if they don’t leave you alone. If that doesn’t work, tell them that you will eat their asshole alive. Something to show them that you are a powerful, heterosexual man, who is not afraid of them. At this point, you should probably extricate yourself from the situation completely. Remember: there is no shame in just walking away. In fact, that is the most courageous thing to do. If, however, you find yourself stuck somewhere and must defend yourself (verbally, if things get physical, have a friend call the police from a payphone) remind your aggressor that they are a faggot, and that you will fuck them until they love you. When they look at you confused, kiss them, and then make your way home. You have a brunch to get to in the morning, mister!* (Via FourFour.)
*Do not do any of this.