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The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: King Tut Is Rolling In His Sarcophagus

I did not recap last week’s episode because I was on vacation, and I’m never going to recap last week’s episode. That’s one of the rules of The Real Housewives, you can never look back. If you do, you will be turned into a pillar of margarita salt (terrible). But of course the one time I choose to go away, for one day, and I miss the episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta in which one of the housewives goes to lunch with T-BOZ?! How did no one tell me this? How were there not hundreds of emails flooding my inbox that said “Excuse me, T-Boz.” Unbelievable. You slept on this one, you guys. Anyway, last week: fake fight, trumped up wig-pulling that wasn’t even wig-pulling, She By Sheree (ha!), etc. No big deal. Seriously, that fight was bullshit. I want to see a murder! (No I don’t. That would be terrible. I was pretending to be The General American Sentiment. We are getting grosser and more horrible I think, just like Running Man always said we would.) (Speaking of, this story is getting way worse and more horrifying by the second!)

So:

Lisa Wu Hartwell’s older brother died a few years ago, and while she knows that he is gone, she is not sure if she is ready to visit his grave, she says, in the weight room, between sets. She interviews that he used to drink a lot and he was also on some medications, which is why no one knows how he died? Um, OK, look, I’m not going to get mixed up in someone’s personal tragedy. This is sad and it is none of my business. However Lisa wants to make peace with what must obviously be emotionally devastating is up to her, and is beyond reproach. However Lisa wants to tell people who know her and care about her that it’s impossible to determine her brother’s cause of death because alcohol and also medicine = eternal mysteries, again, that is her decision. So let’s just not talk about it? Bravo? Can we not talk about it, Bravo? I’m sure that Andy Cohen is like “let’s get Lisa Wu Hartwell on (No One Wants To) Watch What Happens? and ask her some tough questions about the afterlife. Ugh, Andy Cohen.

“Dustbin of history? I have an order for pickup.”

Meanwhile, Kim has hired a nanny. Sure. Lots of people have nannies. But of course she has to give a classic Real Housewife Divorced From Logic or Meaning explanation. “I didn’t have any nannies for the first five years, but when I find somebody that I love I want to keep them.” HUH? Does that mean that you didn’t have a nanny for the first five years because you just couldn’t find a nanny that you liked? And then she adds: “without them I wouldn’t be able to enjoy some of the parts of life that I get to enjoy.” Right. We all know what that means. A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE WITH BREAKFAST. But also this is depressing:

Yeah, Kim, it’s a catch-22. You definitely know what a catch-22 is. It’s when you have to ask your 10-year-old daughter for help on your grammar because all of your word smarts was stored in your real hair. Bye bye. (Boy, she is really kind of dumb.)

Later, at the end of the episode, everyone meets up in this weird private room, which I guess it turns out is in a museum, but it looks like the set of a ’60s game show. Later, the women will all get a private tour of a new King Tut exhibit, because if there is one group of people who can appreciate important historic artifacts and who can absorb the profound experience of discovering yourself on a miniscule pinprick of existence within the vast and outstretched thread of human experience, it is the Real Housewives of Atlanta. But BEFORE they all have their minds blown staring into the abyss of time, Nene shows up and walks over to greet Kim, who says “I can’t get up, I’ve had too many shots of Goldschlagger.”

“I can’t get up, I’ve had too many shots of Goldschlagger.”
–Kim’s tombstone.

SERIOUSLY? GOLDSCHLAGGER? AT A MUSEUM? WITH YOUR KIDS? YOU ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE, AND I TAKE BACK ALL OF THE OTHER TIMES I HAVE CALLED OTHER PEOPLE NIGHTMARES BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, BUT NOW I DO. Yuck. Although I do kind of feel bad for her when all the other housewives are making fun of her as if they are so great.

A little bad. Not that bad.

Also, there is a speed dating event, which almost everyone goes to even though the only Housewife who does the speed-dating is Sheree (who is loving being single by the way, LOVING IT) and Dwight, who is really forcing his way into this season as if he has no sense of boundaries or self-awareness (he does, though right?). Kim isn’t there, although she is single. Everyone on this show is either single or homeless, obviously. Anyway, this guy is great:

I don’t like how they edit it to make him seem boring and nerdy, because the reality is that he is sitting across from one of the least desirable women on the planet (seriously, Sheree is just plain awful) and he is actually being polite. Kahdooz to him. It’s a wonder that he doesn’t get up and throw his seltzer water in her face. Her haughty air of unearned superiority and her fake ass fashion line. She would get all the attention at a speed-HATING event. Zing by Gabee.