That’s Your Girlfriend: Cat Massage Lady

“Come to bed. What do you mean, you ‘can’t’? What do you mean, ‘Champ needs you’? Champ did not have a hard day! No he didn’t! No, you cannot feel a lot of tension and knots in Champ’s haunches. Look, you’ve been petting him for four hours–fine, massaging. What? Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to demean what you do. I know that it’s more than petting. Are you crying? Will you stop crying, please. Why are you crying? If you are upset with me, would you please talk to me directly, and stop filtering everything through Champ. No Champ doesn’t think that. No, you think that. Well just say so. I’m not going to apologize to Champ. No. Because I don’t owe him an apology. Because he’s a cat. You know, when you say ‘he’s a cat, but he’s also a human being, and a true friend,’ it makes you sound crazy. I just want you to know that, in case you ever think about saying something like that in front of other people. Well, for one, because he’s not a human being. That’s like the biggest reason. Will you just come to bed now? You can massage Champ’s temples in the morning. You can release the stress in Champ’s tail in the morning, please. I love you and I want to have sex with you.”