Dude Who Plays Rufus Humphrey Is Just As Bad As Rufus Humphrey!

In yesterday’s “A Night Out With” column in the Sunday Styles section of the New York Times, they spent a night out with Matthew Settle, the actor who plays Rufus Humphrey on Gossip Girl. On the show, Rufus is a self-absorbed, criminally-negligent father with a superlame emo-streak. Rufus is just awful. And in real life, Matthew Settle is kind of equally awful!

LAST Friday evening, Matthew Settle, who plays Rufus, the ex-rocker father of Dan and Jenny on “Gossip Girl,” was cannonballing through Times Square at rush hour on his skateboard, dodging cabs and swerving between idling trucks and packs of tourists crossing Seventh Avenue.

High-speed skateboarding in traffic is a bit risky, acknowledged Mr. Settle, 39. But it’s the most authentic way to get around town, he added. Darting through crowded intersections on a slalom board, you feel the city, you don’t just see it. You experience the whoosh of New York at street level.

“It gets you into the ebb and flow of the city,” he said. “It’s kind of like if you go to Rome, you have to be on a scooter to appreciate it.”

HAHAHA. OH YUCK. He reminds me of someone! Two people actually! What is it with cars in New York not running people over when they are doing things in the street they shouldn’t be doing? PEDAL TO THE METAL, CARS. This is ridiculous. Authentic. You know what is an authentic way to get around the city? In a subway or a taxi cab, like every other fucking person. That’s like saying “the most authentic way to cross the East River is in a Water Taxi. What? This guy is ridiculous, and he only gets worse:

Mr. Settle may be a far cry from the level-headed patriarchs in cardigans who reign on Nick at Nite — indeed, he is merely a slightly older heartthrob on a show filled with young heartthrobs. But he was not ignoring his paternal duties to his TV children. Accompanied by his friend Justin Hall, a television documentary producer and former competitive skateboarder, he was shopping for presents for Taylor Momsen (Jenny), who just turned 16, and Penn Badgley (Dan), whom he wanted to repay after cadging protein shakes from Mr. Badgley’s dressing room.

Yuck some more! It’s one thing to share protein drinks with your 23-year-old castmate, it’s another thing entirely to tell a reporter about it as if that’s a cute story. Because it is not a cute story.

We all have to grow up sometime, and Mr. Settle acknowledged that he did — to a degree — when he made the leap to playing a father on television.

“It’s like crossing a bridge. You say, ‘But wait, I was supposed to be the young action hero!’ ” he said. “And then you just get Zen about it, and the gates of heaven open up.”

That would be a totally acceptable anecdote as an expression of how none of our lives quite match up to the visions we had for them when we were younger, and all of us cross turning points in our lives where we realize that certain dreams are lost, and we have to accept and find joy in the realities of our existence. But at the same time, this came right after a paragraph about him talking about how his wife just gave birth to their first daughter. So, you know, MAYBE WHEN HE BECAME A REAL FATHER IN BIG BOY WORLD IS WHEN HE SHOULD HAVE GROWN UP. Stop skateboarding in the street, you goddamned dad. Why don’t you get Zen about going home and being with your family.

Gossip Girl returns to the CW September 14th.