UK Film Executive 1: We need an idea for a movie, guv’nah.
UK FIlm Executive 2: Yes, guv’nah, well I was thinking, guv’nah, what about The Picture of Dorian Gray? That ought to put a dash of the old wooly bully in the Queen’s crumpet!*
UK Film Executive 1: That’s a good idea. From now on, though, let’s talk about it like we’re from America.
UK FIlm Executive 2: Jolly awesome show.
UK Film Executive 1: The Picture of Dorian Gray? Do you think the kids will go for it?
UK FIlm Executive 2: They will if we use computers to make him look like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings.
UK Film Executive 1: Can Colin Firth be in it?
UK FIlm Executive 2: Colin Firth can totally be in it.
UK Film Executive 1: Hmmm. It could work. Now, this is just going to be a period piece, right? A Merchant Ivory style adaptation of a classic work of literature? That seems vaguely appropriate, and surely the only way to do The Picture of Dorian Gray without it being laughable. You want to be true to the text, sure, but the world has simply changed far too much for anyone to honestly consider the idea of a magic painting locked in the attic that disguises a violent, homosexual playboy’s amorality to actually be frightening.
UK FIlm Executive 2: What if we drop The Picture from the title, just call it Dorian Gray.
UK Film Executive 1: Oh my, I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
UK FIlm Executive 2: Fist bump**.
UK Film Executive 1: Bloody rad, dude!
UK Film Executive 2: Bollocks…not!
*I’m great at this. I could write super authentic British slang all day.
**Of course, in England they call “fist bumps” “fist lorries.”