True Blood: A Bull In A Dress With Claws

At one point in last night’s episode, Marianne uses her blood sugar sex magic to make Tara and Eggs (haha! Eggs!) devour a “hunter’s souffle,” that was made with Daphne’s heart. Yuck, but OK. Then she makes Tara and Eggs start slapping each other in the face as hard as they can, and kicking each other in the balls (Tara may or may not have balls, but the important word here is MAY), and then she makes them fuck each other on the living room floor, all of this as she stands around in the doorway giggling and going “hmm.” NOW, perhaps this is just what maenads do: hang out at people’s best friend’s dead grandmother’s houses, cooking human hearts into pies, and making everyone slap-fuck each other. That is the maenad’s business. But maenads aren’t actually watching this show, human beings are. And something about this scene struck me last night, because we’ve been along for the Marianne ride for awhile now, and I don’t know what kind of monster Alan Ball thinks that I am, but I actually don’t like watching two possessed, black-eyed demon bags fighting and fucking each other. It is weird! If it was scary, maybe the point would be to scare me, but it’s not scary. So what is it? It’s not funny. It’s not sexy. I don’t know! Huh?!

Anyway, Godric rescues Sookie from the rapist in the church basement and snaps his neck, although not before the rapist manages to say “Godric, it’s me!” which I sort of hoped they would explain later, why they were buddies, but they never really did.

And then some other stuff happens!

Like, Vampire Eric shows up. Godric tells him to rescue Sookie. He is so calm! Must be the sleeveless sweatshirt. Very breathable. Eric and Sookie go upstairs, but the alarm has been sounded, and everyone is filing into the church with stakes and crossbows for the “lockdown.” Huh? I thought the lockdown was just going to be a funtimes sleepover jam, with a vampire murder in the morning, not a military exercise. Whatever, Eric beats up some dudes but then there are too many dudes and Eric agrees to allow himself to be killed because Godric told him not to hurt anyone. Sookie is like “he’s your maker, isn’t he?” and Eric is like “don’t use words you don’t understand.” Um, relax Eric. I think we all UNDERSTAND. He is the one who MADE you into a vampire, which is why you use the word MAKER. Vampires always think they are so much smarter. Sookie is like “you love him,” and Eric is like “don’t use words that I don’t understand.” Later, of course, Hugo’s vampire girlfriend will admit that she loves him, and Godric will be like “I see that you love him,” and also Vampire Bill’s “maker” (whatever that means, I guess) will tell him that she still loves him, and she will get in a fight with Sookie over who loves him more. But for the time being, vampires don’t know what the word love means. Keep up.

Eventually, those Texas vampires come to the church, and they are going to kill everyone, but Godric is like “don’t kill everyone,” and they’re all like “aww shoot!” Meanwhile, remember when Sarah shot Jason Stackhouse at the end of last week’s episode? Well, she shot him with a paintball gun. Lame! He finds out that the church has abducted his sister, so he runs to save her. He shoots Steve in the head with a paintball. They rescue Eric, oh also Bill shows up because he hit some vampire in the head with a plasma screen TV, which I guess that works? So everyone gets into place for Godric’s big speech about vampires and humans living in harmony, and Steve is like “Fuck you!” and Godric is like “let’s all go home, guys.” So they all go home, except for Steve, who is home. On his way out, Jason Stackhouse punches Steve in the face for being such a jerk, except Steve is the one who has been consistent. He’s always been like this. Jason is the one who has changed. Unfair.

Sam Merlotte gets a phone call from his restaurant. We know this because there is a close up of his phone and it says “Merlotte’s.” Really? Sam owns the restaurant and it’s named after him. He uses the proper name in programming his phone? Sure. He goes to the restaurant and finds Daphne’s body in the freezer, with a gaping hole in her chest where her heart used to be. He is about to call the police, but the police are already there! He’s been framed! Except, that’s not exactly how crime works! But let’s pretend that it is! I mean, I get the fact that there are now two different women who have been found on Merlotte’s property with their hearts removed, and certainly that would warrant him being a suspect, but is there no other evidence in the case? “Well, you probably did it because you were the only person here when we showed up. Police work.” Andy Bellefleur bursts in and says that Sam is an innocent victim, but no one believes Andy Bellefleur. He’s crazy! Come on, Andy Bellefleur, go home to your hospital. That is what everyone says to him.

Then there’s the whole hunter’s souffle thing. Fucking. Whatnot.

Meanwhile, back in Texas, Godric receives a line of well-wishing vampires who have come to pay their respects to him in his Eames chair. It is really a nice chair. Godric keeps telling everyone how important it is to treat the humans with respect, as equals. He tells Eric that vampires are scary, and that they haven’t evolved. OK, so Godric is clearly going to die, right? Martin Luther Vampire Jr. forced to sit at the back of the bloodmobile over here. (I prefer my metaphors mixed, thank you.) Vampire Bill’s maker shows up and she is about to bite Sookie and Godric is like “don’t bite Sookie!” and then he kicks her out of his modernist “hive.” Vampire Bill walks her out. She is so ashamed. Vampires can feel shame? I am so confused about the Emotion Rules. But also in walks that dude from the church. He has strapped himself up with an entire Hot Topic’s worth of silver jewelry, and he is going to suicide bomb himself in all the vampires’ faces. Uh oh.

SIDENOTE: Vampire Jessica? Has sex? For the first time? And is about to have sex again? When she realizes that her hymen has grown back? Um? LOL?

Next week: