T-Mobile Is For Assholes

I saw this ad on TV the other night. That’s right, TV! (Everybody loves a show off.)

Yuck! For one thing, Catherine Zeta-Jones hasn’t been a sexpot for a minute now. What, T-Mobile is trying to capitalize on that No Reservations heat? For as much as I know about what she’s up to, this might be an actual T-Mobile house call. Don’t get me wrong, we should all be so lucky to look like Catherine Zeta-Jones at her age, and cougars are super in these days. They’re the new sexting. But you need some background story in that case. If this guy was like “I know you haven’t really been in any movies in awhile now, and you’re getting older, as we all do, but you obviously take great care of yourself, and I’m no spring chicken either, and besides, I’m still harboring some erotic fantasies from 1999’s Entrapment involving you and a laser-grid security system that safeguards my dick, let’s see if you can beat the system, and all that put together makes this a very arousing moment for me,” then I would be like, “OK, I can see that.” But you can just drop Catherine Zeta-Jones into my lap and be like “boom, you get it.” I don’t get it. You know who gets it? Michael Douglas. And that’s gross.

But also what kind of brand image is this supposed to be building? “T-Mobile: your ugly husband disrespects you to your face.” Wait a second, you’re telling me that you have subpar cellular service, your favorite phone is a Sidekick, and you think that somehow a dopey philandering husband is appealing to me? GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND ALSO HEART, T-MOBILE, IT’S LIKE WE’RE BLOOD BROTHERS. Ridiculous.