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NYC Prep: Money Can’t Buy Not Being The Worstness

Why are Jessie and Camille cross-eyed? They are both so cross-eyed! Obviously, who cares, God didn’t make no junk*, but at the same time, if you knew you were going to be on TV, don’t you think you’d get your face situation worked out. Being cross-eyed is something they can fix, and Jessie and Camille are supposedly the type of people who can afford for things than can be fixed to be fixed. Fix your faces, ladies! Camille probably thinks it’s silly to get your cross-eyes fixed because she read somewhere that Voltaire had cross-eyes. She saw an article about how cross-eyed students were more likely to be in the 90th percentile or higher on their verbal SATs than non-cross-eyed students. Camille loves the SATs and one day she is going to marry them. And Jessie probably just hasn’t fixed her cross-eyes yet because they’re towards the middle of a long list of things she’s working on. It goes mouth, face, personality, voice, cross-eyes, body, decision making skills. One at a time!

That’s not nice. It’s not nice to pick on children who are going through a difficult transitional phase in their life. Everyone is testing out the boundaries of their sense of self, which is a long and arduous process full of shame and humiliation that requires patience and understanding. Haha, oh well! Jessie’s a thumbhead.

She is organizing an event for Operation Smile. She’s like “everyone’s asking me to model, and I’m like leave me alone.” We all say stupid stuff when we’re 17, but kids in New York grow up so fast that the stupid stuff they say is REALLY STUPID. Asked her to model what? Braces and corrective eyewear? That is mean. You know what else is mean? Jessie. She’s a monster. Sometimes, when she talks, I get scared.

HELP! IT’S GOING TO EAT ME!

Jessie is upset because PC goes out too much and doesn’t focus on her school work, and she feels like she is going to fail, and she can’t let her fail, but she also can’t save her anymore. Him! I mean him!

Sorry, PC. Sorry about all the:

I don’t know what Jessie’s problem is. If she’s worried about anything, she should be worried about PC always drinking ice coffee in the dead of winter.

ONLY IN NEW YORK! Seriously, what is that? Don’t drink ice coffee on a park bench in the middle of winter, you fucking dummies. Although maybe I’m the one who’s missing something, because in the very next scene, Sebastian is playing soccer in short sleeves?

Weather in New York grows up a lot faster than weather in other places. But anyway, if Jessie doesn’t calm down, she is going to end up on Lexapro for the rest of her life.

Kids say the darndest things.

Camille goes to visit Harvard, because she really wants to go to Harvard, because she read somewhere that going to Harvard will cure the crushing insecurity and self-loathing that she feels and make the sucking inner void go away. Probably not, but you can’t blame her for trying. On her visit, she meets your girlfriend:

Haha. One of the first genuine LOLz while watching this show. Scarlet does have a weird voice and she does bother me. Litrature. Who says that? Why, people who are on this show, of course. I’m sure Camille got home and wrote in her diary “must start pronouncing it ‘litrature’ the way the powerful women of Harvard doth.” And then she cried all her makeup off and went to sleep in her clothes.

Naturally, we don’t need to talk about Sebastian, the pussy-seeking human dowsing rod (or so we are told, by this show, which was created by and is marketed towards adults!), but where Jessie and Camille can’t get both of their eyes to look in the same direction at once, what is it with Sebastian and his inability to look at anything other than the ceiling?

Hey Sebastian, the show is down here! There are no cookies or apple juice up there, guy!

Meanwhile, things aren’t going so well between Taylor and Cole. Trouble in paradise. The honeymoon is over. The bloom is off the rose. He is smothering her by, you know, calling her and stuff. Sure. Cole tries to find her at PC’s secret penthouse party, which looks like a LOT of fun, btw. Just six high school kids and a camera crew, asking each other invasive questions and drinking warm white wine out of tall water glasses. Time of their lives, I’m sure. But Taylor isn’t there. Cole talks at PC on the balcony while PC rolls his eyes, because PC doesn’t have time for all this high school bullshit. I will tell you something: while I understand the feeling of not having time for all this high school bullshit, it’s very hard to make that argument when you are LITERALLY IN HIGH SCHOOL. All you have is time for high school bullshit. All day. Every day. Not that anything PC says makes much sense. During his relaxing ice coffee break he says that he’s excited to go to college where he can just have a clean break and reinvent himself. Yes, that will go great. You timed your appearance on a reality TV show perfectly. Your new friends are going to be completely respectful of that as a previous phase in your life that deserves no mention. Smooth sailing ahead.

So Taylor and Cole break up. Aww. Who doesn’t remember the first time they ended a romantic relationship. In front of a camera crew. Surrounded by ogling people. In Union Square?

Don’t worry, Taylor! It gets easier! Or at least it gets less crowded!

Next week: I keep waiting for the promo to say “on next week’s Season Finale,” but it never says that. Is this forever?

*Let’s be honest, God made a little bit of junk.